web analytics
September 30, 2014 / 6 Tishri, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Meir Panim with Soldiers 5774 Roundup: Year of Relief and Service for Israel’s Needy

Meir Panim implements programs that serve Israel’s neediest populations with respect and dignity. Meir Panim also coordinated care packages for families in the South during the Gaza War.



Who Am I?

By:
Twenties-013114

I look back at a photo of me that sits wedged between a tehillim and the wall on my bookshelf. The picture is a couple of years old. In the picture, I am single. I am smiling, carefree, and seem confident in myself. My hair is loose, my smile reaches my eyes and the picture seems to exude laughter and positivity.

Where is that me now? Why do I feel so far away from her? My entire being yearns to be back in that picture, to feel the joy, to understand the vibrancy and, most of all, to touch the certainty.

I don’t understand what happened to the certainty. I used to be fearless. I was my own biggest fan and I don’t mean that in an arrogant way. I believed in myself. I would set my mind to something and once I did, I was sure that I could and would do it. I was a fighter, a worker and yes, I was powerful, powerful in that I could achieve, I could accomplish, I was someone.

I don’t know if the sense of achievement was that which fueled the confidence or if the confidence fueled the strive for eventual success in my achievements. It’s almost like the mystery of the chicken and the egg; which one came first? The chicken or the egg? Regardless, chickens have been reproducing since time immemorial by hatching their eggs.

Somewhere along the way, my own mantra got lost and fell to the wayside. Now, that certainty has been replaced by doubt. By comparing. By looking over my shoulder at others and seeing that they do more, they have more, they know more, they have more than me.

There are times I look in the mirror and wonder about the person I see. Who is this? Who are you? What makes you, you?

(Then, I wonder why I’m having a mid-life crisis in my twenties.)

My family tells me they never see the “old” Rosie anymore. I was the one who would tell corny jokes and laugh so hard at them that the laughter itself made everyone else laugh. I was the one who would take silly, wacky pictures of myself and put them on my family group chat. I was the one who would suddenly burst into uncontrollable giggles at the tale end of the Shabbos meal and not remember why I did two minutes later. I was prone to periods of random hyper moods and would have a ball while I was in them.

Then I got married. And had a baby. And had challenges. And frustrations.

And real life kicked in.

And the more real life became, the more negatively I reacted. The more things unwounded and unraveled, the more knots I detected. And the more knots I detected, the more the “old Rosie” deteriorated, until I was a stranger to myself.

I know I have had perhaps more challenges than others my age or at my stage, challenges that I won’t enumerate in this article. But I don’t like the person I’ve become.

I was speaking to my best friend the other day and I wondered aloud, “Gila, why do I feel so negative? Why do I feel like I used to be a whole different person, like life was perfect and it suddenly became marred with heavy clouds, the kind that prelude a thunderstorm!? What happened to me? Where did I go?”

And she couldn’t answer me except to confide that she feels the same way. A bitterness accompanies her life as the circle of life moves on and more stress and complications arise.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Who Am I?”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Jews Against Genocide mimicked and blasphemed the ALS Ice Bucket  Challenge with their anti-Israel "Blood Bucket Challenge."
‘Jews Against Genocide’ Take ‘Blood Bucket Challenge’ at Yad Vashem [video]
Latest Sections Stories
Mindy-092614-Choc-Roll

I should be pursuing plateaus of pure and holy, but I’m busy delving and developing palatable palates instead.

Schonfeld-logo1

Brown argues that this wholehearted living must extend into our parenting.

Twenties-092614-Abrams

If we truly honor the other participants in a conversation, we can support, empathize with, and even celebrate their feelings.

Twenties-092614-OU-Mission

I witnessed the true strength of Am Yisrael during those few days.

She writes intuitively, freely, and only afterwards understands the meaning of what she has written.

“I knew it was a great idea, a win-win situation for everyone,” said Burstein.

Not knowing any better, I assumed that Molly and her mother must be voracious readers.

“I would really love my mother-in-law …if she weren’t my mother-in-law.”

For each weekly reading, Rabbi Grysman begins with a synopsis of the Torah portion, followed by a focus on a major issue.

It’s Rosh Hashanah. A new year. Time for a fresh start. Time for a new slate. Time for change.

Governor Rick Scott visited North Miami Beach/Aventura on the morning of Wednesday, September 17.

While the cost per student is higher than mainstream schools, Metzuyan Academy ESE is a priceless educational opportunity for children with special needs in South Florida.

Challah-pa-looza helped get the community ready and excited about the upcoming Jewish New Year.

Miami businessman and philanthropist Eli Nash had many in tears as he shared his story of the horrific abuse he suffered from age 8 to 11.

More Articles from Rosie
Twenties-013114

Somewhere along the way, my own mantra got lost and fell to the wayside. Now, that certainty has been replaced by doubt. By comparing. By looking over my shoulder at others and seeing that they do more, they have more, they know more, they have more than me.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/teens-twenties/who-am-i/2014/01/31/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: