web analytics
February 1, 2015 / 12 Shevat, 5775
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


Who Am I?

By:
Twenties-013114

I look back at a photo of me that sits wedged between a tehillim and the wall on my bookshelf. The picture is a couple of years old. In the picture, I am single. I am smiling, carefree, and seem confident in myself. My hair is loose, my smile reaches my eyes and the picture seems to exude laughter and positivity.

Where is that me now? Why do I feel so far away from her? My entire being yearns to be back in that picture, to feel the joy, to understand the vibrancy and, most of all, to touch the certainty.

I don’t understand what happened to the certainty. I used to be fearless. I was my own biggest fan and I don’t mean that in an arrogant way. I believed in myself. I would set my mind to something and once I did, I was sure that I could and would do it. I was a fighter, a worker and yes, I was powerful, powerful in that I could achieve, I could accomplish, I was someone.

I don’t know if the sense of achievement was that which fueled the confidence or if the confidence fueled the strive for eventual success in my achievements. It’s almost like the mystery of the chicken and the egg; which one came first? The chicken or the egg? Regardless, chickens have been reproducing since time immemorial by hatching their eggs.

Somewhere along the way, my own mantra got lost and fell to the wayside. Now, that certainty has been replaced by doubt. By comparing. By looking over my shoulder at others and seeing that they do more, they have more, they know more, they have more than me.

There are times I look in the mirror and wonder about the person I see. Who is this? Who are you? What makes you, you?

(Then, I wonder why I’m having a mid-life crisis in my twenties.)

My family tells me they never see the “old” Rosie anymore. I was the one who would tell corny jokes and laugh so hard at them that the laughter itself made everyone else laugh. I was the one who would take silly, wacky pictures of myself and put them on my family group chat. I was the one who would suddenly burst into uncontrollable giggles at the tale end of the Shabbos meal and not remember why I did two minutes later. I was prone to periods of random hyper moods and would have a ball while I was in them.

Then I got married. And had a baby. And had challenges. And frustrations.

And real life kicked in.

And the more real life became, the more negatively I reacted. The more things unwounded and unraveled, the more knots I detected. And the more knots I detected, the more the “old Rosie” deteriorated, until I was a stranger to myself.

I know I have had perhaps more challenges than others my age or at my stage, challenges that I won’t enumerate in this article. But I don’t like the person I’ve become.

I was speaking to my best friend the other day and I wondered aloud, “Gila, why do I feel so negative? Why do I feel like I used to be a whole different person, like life was perfect and it suddenly became marred with heavy clouds, the kind that prelude a thunderstorm!? What happened to me? Where did I go?”

And she couldn’t answer me except to confide that she feels the same way. A bitterness accompanies her life as the circle of life moves on and more stress and complications arise.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Who Am I?”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
The United States condemned Iran for honoring Hezbollah terrorist Imad Mughniyeh but is not so bothered when Abbas honors PA terrorists.
CIA, Mossad Collaborated on Killing Hezbollah No. 2 Leader in Damascus
Latest Sections Stories
South-Florida-logo

The musical production was beautifully performed by the middle school students.

South-Florida-logo

Greige offered a post of her own. She said, “I was very cautious to avoid being in any photo or communication with Miss Israel.” She contends that she was photobombed.

South-Florida-logo

This year, 40 couples were helped. The organization needs the support of the extended Jewish community so that it can continue in its important work.

In the introduction to the first volume, R. Katz discusses the Torah ideal, arguing that the Torah’s laws are intended to craft the perfect man and are not to be regarded as ends unto themselves.

A highlight of the evening was the video produced by the Kleinman Family Holocaust Education Center on the legendary Agudah askan Reb Elimelech (Mike) Tress, a true Jewish hero.

Until recently his films were largely forgotten, but with their release last year on DVD by Re:Voir Video in Paris they are once again available.

Though the CCAR supported the Jewish right to emigrate to Eretz Yisrael, it strenuously objected to defining Palestine as the Jewish homeland.

“Well, you are also part of this class! If someone drills a hole in the boat, the boat will ultimately sink, and even the innocent ones will perish as well. The whole class must be punished!”

Nouril concluded he had no choice: He had to become more observant.

I find his mother to be a difficult person and my nature is to stay away from people like that.

Here are some recipes to make your Chag La’Illanot a festive one.

Does standing under the chuppah signal the end of our dream of romance and beautiful sunsets?

We aren’t at a platform; we are underground, just sitting there.

More Articles from Rosie
Twenties-013114

Somewhere along the way, my own mantra got lost and fell to the wayside. Now, that certainty has been replaced by doubt. By comparing. By looking over my shoulder at others and seeing that they do more, they have more, they know more, they have more than me.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/teens-twenties/who-am-i/2014/01/31/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: