web analytics
October 20, 2014 / 26 Tishri, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Meir Panim with Soldiers 5774 Roundup: Year of Relief and Service for Israel’s Needy

Meir Panim implements programs that serve Israel’s neediest populations with respect and dignity. Meir Panim also coordinated care packages for families in the South during the Gaza War.



Who Am I?

By:
Twenties-013114

I look back at a photo of me that sits wedged between a tehillim and the wall on my bookshelf. The picture is a couple of years old. In the picture, I am single. I am smiling, carefree, and seem confident in myself. My hair is loose, my smile reaches my eyes and the picture seems to exude laughter and positivity.

Where is that me now? Why do I feel so far away from her? My entire being yearns to be back in that picture, to feel the joy, to understand the vibrancy and, most of all, to touch the certainty.

I don’t understand what happened to the certainty. I used to be fearless. I was my own biggest fan and I don’t mean that in an arrogant way. I believed in myself. I would set my mind to something and once I did, I was sure that I could and would do it. I was a fighter, a worker and yes, I was powerful, powerful in that I could achieve, I could accomplish, I was someone.

I don’t know if the sense of achievement was that which fueled the confidence or if the confidence fueled the strive for eventual success in my achievements. It’s almost like the mystery of the chicken and the egg; which one came first? The chicken or the egg? Regardless, chickens have been reproducing since time immemorial by hatching their eggs.

Somewhere along the way, my own mantra got lost and fell to the wayside. Now, that certainty has been replaced by doubt. By comparing. By looking over my shoulder at others and seeing that they do more, they have more, they know more, they have more than me.

There are times I look in the mirror and wonder about the person I see. Who is this? Who are you? What makes you, you?

(Then, I wonder why I’m having a mid-life crisis in my twenties.)

My family tells me they never see the “old” Rosie anymore. I was the one who would tell corny jokes and laugh so hard at them that the laughter itself made everyone else laugh. I was the one who would take silly, wacky pictures of myself and put them on my family group chat. I was the one who would suddenly burst into uncontrollable giggles at the tale end of the Shabbos meal and not remember why I did two minutes later. I was prone to periods of random hyper moods and would have a ball while I was in them.

Then I got married. And had a baby. And had challenges. And frustrations.

And real life kicked in.

And the more real life became, the more negatively I reacted. The more things unwounded and unraveled, the more knots I detected. And the more knots I detected, the more the “old Rosie” deteriorated, until I was a stranger to myself.

I know I have had perhaps more challenges than others my age or at my stage, challenges that I won’t enumerate in this article. But I don’t like the person I’ve become.

I was speaking to my best friend the other day and I wondered aloud, “Gila, why do I feel so negative? Why do I feel like I used to be a whole different person, like life was perfect and it suddenly became marred with heavy clouds, the kind that prelude a thunderstorm!? What happened to me? Where did I go?”

And she couldn’t answer me except to confide that she feels the same way. A bitterness accompanies her life as the circle of life moves on and more stress and complications arise.

“I think it’s normal,” she told me. “It’s just life. We’re not kids anymore. We have commitments and responsibilities and that makes us stressed and yes, bitter.”

No.

I don’t want to be bitter.

I love my best friend, but I didn’t like her answer. I don’t believe that’s the answer. Because if that’s the case, there are hundreds of adults walking around the world right now and they are all sad and depressed and have negative and dark thoughts.

I am the old me. I know that’s who I really am – it is! The old me is still there, somewhere beneath the piles of shattered confidences and broken dreams. The old me is still smiling, still carefree and free spirited. The old me is waiting patiently for the mounds of confusion and disappointments to shift, so that it can raise even a pinky finger and say, “Hi!  I’m still here!”

And it does sometimes. There are days where the old me manages to peek out and remind me who I really am for a few minutes, a few hours. Recently it’s been happening more often.

I think that the old me is the real me. I think I’m having a hard time with who I am now because it isn’t me.

And I can’t wait to be myself again.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Who Am I?”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Aerial view of Yemenite Village of HaShiloach, Old City of Jerusalem and Mt. of Olives.
Jews to Double Presence in Old Yemenite Village of Shiloach, Silwan
Latest Sections Stories

Sadly, there are mothers who, due to severe depression are unable or unwilling to prepare nourishing food for their children.

Michal had never been away from home. And now, she was going so far away, for so long – an entire year!

Though if you do have a schach mat, you’ll realize that it cannot actually support the weight of the water.

Social disabilities occur at many levels, but experts identify three different areas of learning and behavior that are most common for children who struggle to create lasting social connections.

Sukkot is an eternal time of joy, and if we are worthy, of plenty.

Two of our brothers, Jonathan Pollard and Alan Gross, sit in the pit of captivity. We have a mandate to see that they are freed.

Chabad of South Broward has 15 Chabad Houses in ten cities.

Victor Center works in partnership with healthcare professionals, clergy, and the community to sponsor education programs and college campus out reach.

So just in case you’re stuck in the house this Chol HaMoed – because there’s a new baby or because someone has a cold – not because of anything worse, here are six ideas for family fun at home.

We are told that someone who says that God’s mercy extends to a bird’s nest should be silenced.

Our harps have 22 strings. This gives musicians a wide musical range and yet stays within Biblical parameters.

More Articles from Rosie
Twenties-013114

Somewhere along the way, my own mantra got lost and fell to the wayside. Now, that certainty has been replaced by doubt. By comparing. By looking over my shoulder at others and seeing that they do more, they have more, they know more, they have more than me.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/teens-twenties/who-am-i/2014/01/31/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: