A unique and prestigious residential project in now being built in Mekor Haim Street in Jerusalem.
Earlier this month, I spent the July 4th weekend at an out-of-town Shabbaton. Getting together with other people is always an educational experience for me in terms of being exposed to quirks - both good and bad – of other human beings. There is always something to learn when people interact with strangers and friends alike.
I therefore was not surprised by the various attitudes and verbalizations I witnessed during the course of the weekend. Predictably, some were positive and inspiring – others could be
considered funny – if they weren’t so sad. There were the usual manifestations of the three dysfunctional C’s - Critical, Cranky (kvetzy in Yiddish) and Cheap. These traits are actually
symptoms of unhappy individuals who do not allow themselves to be b’simcha due to impaired self-esteem.
For example, there were a few of what I call the “born again” health food enthusiasts who pointed out the cholesterol-raising fried chicken, the fatty mayonnaise-drenched salads, the bleached white flour rolls, the high-sodium whitefish, and the artery clogging kishka. Instead of just enjoying the meal and quietly avoiding the food they felt was not for them – they felt compelled to complain and be negative – traits that are not conducive to attracting potential mates.
As it is known to happen on hot, humid days, the air conditioning conked out on the bus that was made available for those wanting the convenience of door to door service. There were
many disgruntled consumers who vented and focused on their discomfort.
I too was hot, but we weren’t in a sweltering cattle car headed to Auschwitz, so how could I possibly complain? Compared to what our ancestors had to go through since the Churban haBayit and the Exile – we have it amazingly good. A few inconveniences here and there in our comfort zones are just that – inconveniences. (Putting things in perspective can do wonders for your mood and your mental health.)
Rides home were sought for those who refused to go back in the bus – even though the evening ride would be cooler – and drivers approached who had room in their car. Some insisted on monetary compensation for taking on a passenger - in the $30 to $40 range. I
couldn’t help but wonder what happened to the concept of just doing a chesed.
But compassion for the people who are captives of the Almighty Dollar is in order.
Life must be miserable for men and women who allow themselves to be imprisoned by money. Their daily lives are spent in conflict and self debate – arguing with themselves if they should
buy this or that or forgo it, wondering if they got the best possible price for their trip, their outfit, or their car. They do not allow themselves the freedom – after doing some reasonable accounting and justifiable bargaining – to part with their money, go on with their lives, enjoying their purchases or expenditures. Day after day, they worry if they got the ” best deal” and miserably berate themselves if they didn’t. Their energy and thoughts revolve around
pennies - instead of unconditionally embracing life.
Case in point – a participant in the Shabbaton who got lost on the way asked for a partial refund on the cost of the weekend because of extra money spent on gas. No doubt this person’s ability to have a good time was frustrated by a sense of financial loss.
Towards the end of the weekend, I saw both men and women with frowns etched on their faces. Again, they “didn’t meet anyone”. These people are also enslaved – by their relationships or lack of them. They can’t be happy unless they are “seeing somebody” and even then, they allow a lot of stress and distress into their lives.
These have not yet come to the realization that the key to one’s happiness doesn’t lie in a “significant other.” It lies within.
A comment I heard at the Shabbaton sums it up. “The only thing marriage cures is being single.” In other words, if you are an “unhappy camper” single, your problems won’t be fixed by marriage. You’ll just be a married unhappy camper and very likely make your spouse miserable.
You have to like yourself; you have to respect yourself first. It is very unlikely that a spouse can change you if you feel you are not worthy of being liked or respected. And you will sabotage any attempt to do so - without meaning to consciously.
Years ago, I heard a rather disturbing saying which I reflect upon from time to time. “Singles wish they were married, and the married wish they were dead.” This statement puzzled me until I realized that single people who are unhappy think marriage will resolve their woes. Once married, they see that nothing has changed and since their last hope for happiness – marriage – wasn’t the “magic pill” they were counting on, they “wish they were dead.”
Feeling good about yourself has to come from within yourself. Marriage isn’t a quick fix for what ails you. You need to like yourself in order to be happy – single or married.
How to feel good about yourself? Be a good sport when things don’t work out 100%. Don’t sweat the small stuff, especially the loss of relatively minor amounts of money that at the end of the day won’t affect your lifestyle. Look at the whole picture and appreciate the blessings you have. Taking them for granted cripples your ability to value and take pleasure in your day to day activities – like dressing yourself, feeding yourself, and climbing up stairs.
Most importantly, like yourself and be b’simcha. When your yetzer hara tries to make you critical of yourself – and hence others - remember – you are one of a kind, and G-d put you here because He felt you could improve the world by your existence. Hashem knows your value – it’s time you did as well.
There is a well known song with the lyrics: “When you smile, the world smiles with you.” Try it – it works!
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Regardless of age, parents play an important role in their children’s lives.
We peel away one layer after the next, our eyes tear up and it becomes harder and harder to see as we get closer to our innermost insecurities and fears.
Some Mountain Jews believe they are descendents of the Ten Lost Tribes and were exiled to Azerbaijan and Dagestan by Sancheriv.
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A fascinating glimpse into the rich complexity of medieval Jewish life and its contemporary relevance had intriguingly emerged.
Dear Dr. Yael:
My heart is breaking; my husband’s friend has gotten divorced. While this type of situation is always sad, here I do believe it could have been avoided.
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She was followed by the shadows of the Six Million, by the ever so subtle awareness of their vanished presence.
Pesach is so liberating (if you excuse the expression). It’s the only time I can eat anywhere in the house, guilt free! Matzah in bed!
Now all the pain, fear and struggle were over and they were home. Yuli was safe and free, a hero returned to his land and people.
While it would seem from his question that he is being chuzpadik and dismissive, I wonder if its possible, if just maybe, he is a struggling, confused neshama who actually wants to come back to the fold.
I agree with the letter writer that a shadchan should respectfully and graciously accept a negative response to a shidduch offer.
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A young lady in her early 20’s, “Sarah” was redt to “Shlomie” a boy from her home town who learned in an out-of-town yeshiva. The families know each other well, which in today’s shidduch scene is a big plus – since it was therefore unlikely the kids would “fall in” due to misinformation and misinterpretations.
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and that is precisely what almost always happens in situations where a reference knew someone had serious but hidden emotional issues, but did not reveal the information to the person making inquiries.
Time never stood still for anyone – why would I be the exception? In my hubris, I thought that somehow I would live forever – and I suspect we all have secretly felt that way, even though we know it’s a fantasy.
One can argue that forgetting something on a regular basis is a sign of advancing age and it’s time to for a neurological evaluation, but based on the number of young people who need to replace a lost smart phone (too bad it’s not smart enough to warn its owner that that they have become separated – or is there an app for that too?), I safely can say that losing “stuff” cuts across the generations.
For quite a few days in late December, Toronto was transformed into a breathtaking – literally and figuratively – frigid winter wonderland, where every twig, leaf, car door, and outdoor wire and cable was totally encased in ice. When the sun shone the landscape was blindingly brilliant as if billions of diamonds had been glued to everything the eye could see.
Outside is a winter-white wonderland replete with dazzling trees, wires, and sidewalks seemingly wrapped in glittery silver foil. It’s quite lovely to look at, which is about all I can do since I’m stuck indoors. Icicle-laden tree branches are bent and hunch-backed by the frozen heaviness of their popsicle-like burden, and the voices squawking from the battery-operated transistor radio I am listening to are warning people not to go out since walkways and roads are extremely slippery, and there is real danger from falling trees.
The necessity of speaking up when you “have a hunch” applies even more when it comes to shidduchim. One little girl did just that – she said something – and I was fortunate enough to be in town for the very joyful, lively wedding that resulted from her speaking up.
Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/whining-and-dining-nickel-and-dimeing/2004/08/11/
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