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April 23, 2014 / 23 Nisan, 5774
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Posts Tagged ‘Answer First’

Complaint From Husband About Wife Who Is Constantly Screaming

Wednesday, December 29th, 2010

Question: My wife screams and curses at me. For years I have been asking her to stop, but she hasn’t. Now she’s begun doing the same thing to our children, ages 10 and 7 – and they cower in fear. Actually, we are all afraid of her. She never hits, but I think the verbal abuse and screaming is worse.

Often this happens when she is nervous about getting somewhere important on time. For example, last week we were getting ready to go to her nephew’s wedding. Our son (age 10) was not ready and actually did everything he could to slow us up. I suggested we just leave him behind with a sitter but my wife refused.

We have gone for counseling, but as soon as the counselor begins to address what she does, she stops going. I saw no reason for me to continue on my own.

I don’t know what to do. I hate making her seem like a monster when she does so many wonderful things, but I’m writing this letter because I can’t handle thinking about what it’s doing to my kids. Friends tell me to divorce her, but believe me that will only frustrate her and as she will still be spending time with the children – without me as a buffer. To me, this is not a solution. Is my situation hopeless?

Answer: First – and most important – get yourself and your children to a counselor immediately (possibly even before you finish reading my answer). You were on the right track, but when you stopped after your wife refused to return, you lost a crucial step in helping your family. You need to understand how you can help your children, yourself and your wife. It’s also possible your wife will return to counseling if she knows that you and the children are continuing to go. She may return if only to be sure she’s not being talked about in a negative way – that will still give the counselor an opportunity to talk with her about making changes.

It’s probably best if you find a different counselor for your children than the one you choose for yourself and, hopefully, your wife. This will allow their counselor to focus on their needs and not be drawn into emotional territorial battles with your wife. You don’t want her to be able to say that you marred the counselor’s opinions. If the counselor only sees your children (after an initial session where you have explained the situation) then the counselor’s opinions will be formed from her impression of the children and no one else.

It sounds like your 10 year old has found a way to go to battle with his mother. His inaction (not being ready on time regularly) causes his mother to get angry at him. This is commonly known as passive aggressive behavior – your child is being aggressive (doing something that pushes his mother’s buttons) through a passive action (not being ready, moving in slow motion as she’s trying to get out of the house to an event). While he may be doing this as a backlash against his mother’s angry outburst, he doesn’t realize that this emotional struggle may be behind the tardiness. This is where a skilled child counselor comes in and can identify behavior and find methods to help the whole family make changes. Allowing your 10 year old to have a “voice” and talk to the counselor may diminish his need to “get back” at his mother. The counselor will hopefully be able to help your children dialogue with Mom in the safety of the counselor’s office.

Keep in mind that your wife may have reason to get angry, but there is no reason to demonstrate that anger in the way you describe. This means that if the two of you are in joint counseling, your attitude should be one that looks at yourself and what you can do to minimize the pressure in your home. Taking some responsibility for your actions may help your wife take responsibility for hers, instead of feeling that you and the counselor are ganging up on her.

It’s important that you find an experienced marital counselor, as you won’t get many chances to get your wife into the office. It’s the counselor’s job to confront your wife while making her feel safe and not ganged up on. It’s a skill that many counselors have and the last thing you want is for a counselor to be so afraid of your wife’s attitude that he or she won’t confront her or to have someone who is so heavy handed that there’ll be “straight talk” that will chase your wife away. This counselor has to be sensitive to your children, as well as your wife and help her see why she needs to change for all of your sakes.

Connect To Love

Wednesday, November 17th, 2010

Dear Gary, I’m very upset with the younger generation today and the way they treat their marriages. I’ve been married for 56 years and admit that it hasn’t always been easy. If I thought about getting divorced each time my husband upset or annoyed me, we wouldn’t have gotten past the week of sheva brachos. It seems to me that today’s newlyweds don’t want to make any sacrifices and think only of themselves. My grandson, the father of two beautiful young children, is getting divorced. He says its because he didn’t make his wife happy enough and spent too much time working at his new job. This is outrageous. Do you think this younger generation is too selfish?

Answer: First of all, congratulations on 56 years of marriage. As you note, it wasn’t easy – and it’s not supposed to be. It is always inspiring to hear stories of a life long commitment to marriage. I only wish you would share with us some of your secrets to marital longevity. Surely, your primary one was the expectations you had going into your marriage. There’s no doubt that marriages today begin differently than those of yesteryear. Whereas I’m not comfortable calling an entire generation “selfish,” I am comfortable discussing your sage point about sacrificing.

Successful marriages have some commonalities, one of them being the realistic expectation that each spouse will make sacrifices. Taking it a step further, it’s really about contentment. We live in a world where we are often taught not to be content. While we are expected to consistently strive for more, this doesn’t mean we should live in a perpetual state of unrest. The successful couple is one who is looking to expand their devotion for each other into something more, while at the same time, recalling the ongoing love that already exists. You can want to spend more time having fun with your spouse while simultaneously being grateful for the positive relationship you now have and the time you presently spend together.

Contentment lies at the heart of a happy marriage and life. However, some confuse contentment with a lackadaisical attitude; if I’m content, I won’t work hard to change. But contentment is about counting your blessings, knowing things could be worse and not taking for granted the positive in your marriage. The beauty of being content with your spouse is that it inspires you to make those sacrifices for each other and not feel that something has been taken away from you. Rather, you’ve added significantly to the marriage, the family and the love that is being nurtured. You have done this by thinking of each other and putting some of your wants on the back burner.

Naturally, this style of marital behavior works when both spouses are in sync in this concept. It becomes unhealthy if only one spouse is comfortable sacrificing and the other is quite happy being sacrificed for. (That is why no one from outside the marriage relationship can judge, because we can’t know the balance or lack thereof.) Relationships are built on a reciprocal give and take. It’s never an exact quid pro quo, but there has to be a feeling that each one wants to make the other happy and a desire to find that ongoing contentment together. Surely, there are those whose very “needs” are not being met. But again, the definition of “need” versus “want” is in the eyes of the beholder.

Try telling yourself you want to be content. Remove the word sacrifice for a while because it always sounds like something’s being taken away. When your spouse isn’t the way you’d like him or her to be, don’t tell yourself you have to accept it and make the sacrifice. Instead, use that moment to recall some of the wonderful things about your spouse, reminding yourself that no one has it all. Make that sacrifice gracefully, with love and the knowledge that this is part of what marriage is all about. Remember that you want your spouse to overlook some of your less than spectacular traits and find you wonderful. You don’t want him or her always thinking about all the sacrifices he/she needs to make living with you.

Connect To Love

Wednesday, September 29th, 2010

Question: My husband and I have been married 14 years, have 6 children, each one in a yeshiva and are so overwhelmed. Between shuttling the kids and homework, I feel like my marriage is non-existent. My husband tells me it’s normal at this stage in our life but my mother tells me to do something about it. Where do I begin?

Answer: First of all, listen to your mother. That is not to say that your husband is not right – it is normal. However, this “stage” called childrearing doesn’t end for many years to come, if ever. Couples who wait until the kids are older to find time to spend together, find that they have become so emotionally separated that repairing the marriage is almost impossible.

In my upcoming book, Connect to Love, I focus on research which shows that couples who spend on average of over 30 minutes a day talking to each other have a significantly higher rate of happiness than those who spend less time speaking. It makes sense and if nothing else, is the most important thing to make sure happens. This means you have to get the younger ones settled in bed and then explain to the older ones, if they’re still up, that Mom and Dad are spending some uninterrupted time together. If you can’t accomplish this in any common area of the home, go into your bedroom and close the door. You have to create some secluded space for your couplehood. Turn off your cell phones and every other distraction for 45 minutes. Plan for this time to be relaxing – have some tea or a drink, catch up. At first, you may feel pressure to discuss things. But try not to; get back to chatting as quickly as you can. If you’re like many, you’ll be thinking, “chatting, who knows how to chat anymore.” Don’t worry, force yourself to chat – and if you can keep this 45 minute period going for 3 nights per week, you’ll be on the way to reconnecting.

Next, set up a date night – the same night each week. Arrange for a babysitter to come on those nights, no matter what, so she’ll be there whether or not you are too tired to go out. This will help you resist the urge to not go out. On your date night, spend a minimum of two hours together, without another couple, and DO something. And not always the dinner and movie routine. Check local listings and find events, interesting places to go. Avoid the phone calls from children.

It’s easy to have “no time for marriage.” But what really happens is that we have time for everything else that is a pressing need and then we have no energy left for the non-pressing need – marriage. Successful couples don’t have any magic formula and aren’t simply better matched. Successful couples keep their eye on the prize – a loving relationship – and are constantly working to nourish it with enough time and love so that it can always continue to grow.

This is just the beginning, but it is the pre-requisite for getting back to a fluid, loving relationship.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/connect-to-love-3/2010/09/29/

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