Dear Mr. President,
In recent days you have called for a freeze on all construction activities in the southern Jerusalem neighborhood of Gilo. It is your opinion that this is “occupied territory” because it lies outside the 1949 ceasefire lines that separated Israel from the Kingdom of Jordan while the latter illegally held East Jerusalem until 1967.
Gilo of course has also been the target of numerous terrorist attacks from the very same chaps your State Department would like to see seize control of Gilo – and of Jerusalem’s holy sites in the Old City.
Well, Mr. President, I have taken your words under careful consideration and concluded that you are correct. It is indeed time to put a stop to construction in the capital city in the area of disputed ownership beyond the Green Line. The disputed area must remain as it is, with no new building at all, until a new state is erected that can take it over and perhaps even establish its national capital there.
I am of course referring to Alexandria, Virginia. Alexandria – as is true of all the Virginia territories that lie across the Potomac and were seized by the United States using force of arms – is outside the legitimate boundaries of Washington. Alexandria and the other Virginia territories lie across the Green Line, by which I mean the Potomac River, which turns green in the summer. Obviously, Alexandria is part of the sovereign state of Virginia.
Now, it is true that no Confederacy exists today, just as no Palestinian state exists. But who’s to say that none will ever arise within the framework of diplomatic free exchange? And if the Confederacy does achieve statehood and independence, its leaders will naturally wish its capital to be in Alexandria. Richmond is a little too far away.
Since the ultimate status of Alexandria is a subject of contention, the only fair thing to do is to halt all American construction activity there at once. Ditto for Arlington. To continue to build there is a provocation and an obstacle to peace. And we really do think the time has come to remove that military outpost and illegal settlement you maintain in Arlington known as the Pentagon.
I realize that some people reject the idea of an independent Confederacy as inherently racist, and that various extremist groups would be happy to see such an independent state. But those groups are light years more progressive, peaceful and tolerant of ethnic differences than are the Islamists to whom you are trying to grant statehood in the Palestinian-occupied Jewish homelands.
And, Mr. President, speaking of Palestinian liberation, I have come to the realization that the only way to create stability and peace in the Middle East is through creating a new independent state in Palestine, and moving all the Palestinians into it.
I refer to Palestine, Texas.
As I am sure you know, there is a town deep in the Texas heartland, Bush country really, named Palestine. And, frankly, I think it would be a wonderful place to erect a homeland for Palestinians.
The weather there is not all that different from what we have here in the area of the Land of Israel, referred to incorrectly by some people as Palestine.
Moreover, there are oodles of advantages to moving all the Palestinians to Palestine (Texas).
First, their water problems would be solved. Palestine, Texas is home to the lovely Lake Palestine. Second, the largest employer in Palestine is the Texas Department of Criminal Justice. Who better to host the large number of Palestinians moving into town and make them feel snug and comfortable?
Moreover, Palestine has a rich cultural and historic heritage. The town’s web page claims there are more than 1,800 historical sites in the town. It even has its own Old City, called “Old Town.”
It also has a wonderful history of accommodating itself to those with strong religious beliefs. David Koresh, the prophet who ran the religious cult calling itself the Branch Davidians, set up his first religious camp in Palestine, Texas.
The Palestinians could name the site “Al Aksa,” if they wish. After all, they have as much bona fide theological connection to that site as they do to East Jerusalem. The founder of the Branch Davidians wanted to set up the new Kingdom of David smack dab in Palestine, Texas. And he also liked the idea of having dozens of virgins as his reward.
Palestine, Texas has parks and a library and a YMCA – just like Jerusalem! There is a nice branch of the University of Texas at Tyler that operates in Palestine. I am sure it could be renamed Bir Zeit or Ben-Gurion University. It has a gazebo. And there is even some oil in the ground nearby.
Best of all, it is not that far a commute to Fort Hood – just in case any Palestinians would still want to protest their “occupation.”
Jerusalem – Capital of Israel