I have always felt that Hashem’s Will was my will.
I always accepted everything, telling myself that everything was for the best. I trusted that it was Hashem’s Will.
It was and still is.
Throughout the years, I experienced some medical problems, but I never let that stop me. I went for the usual medical exams and continued on my merry way, living the life that was given to me by our merciful Creator. I was blessed with precious parents, a wonderful life, and a dear family. I was busy and did not have time to waste on illness.
However, sometimes we have to accept that we are not in control, and that is exactly what I had to learn.
At one of my medical appointments, my doctor informed me that I would need surgery to correct a problem that had been developing for the past few years. I trusted my doctor, and after more tests confirmed his findings, I met with the surgeon to make arrangements for the operation. This was not the first surgery I had. There were so many times before this when surgery was necessary to keep me on my feet. I was never afraid, because I knew that it was for the best. I knew that Hashem was always with me.
My family was supportive and I planned and prepared so that all would be well while I recuperated. Unfortunately, things did not go as planned. The doctor could not finish the surgery since my heart began to fail under anesthesia. They did whatever they could, but had to stop. It was too dangerous to continue.
I spent a few months recuperating but did not improve. I was worse than before the surgery. Then I found out that I would need another surgical procedure to get me out of danger. I was not happy. Oh, dear Hashem, why was this happening to me? But of course I knew that He had His master plan and that it was the best for me.
I was right. The doctor explained that the surgeries had saved my life.
I am still trying to get back to “myself,” whoever that is, since “she” has not been around for a while! But, I know “she” is there, just waiting to reappear.
I was always so active and able to accomplish so much, and now, I function in slow motion. I have residual problems following the surgery, but, with Hashem’s help, I feel I will get stronger. I just need a lot of patience, and I am developing more of it as I go on. I accept that all is for the best.
I had a dream during the first surgery. I must have been in a very deep sleep . I remember walking through large soft white clouds. There was nothing around me except the white clouds, when suddenly I saw two faint figures. As I approached them, I realized in utter joy that they were my father and mother, of blessed memory. I missed them so much and I was ecstatic to see them. They looked so young and beautiful, not ill and suffering as the last time I had seen them. I ran to meet them when my dear father put up his hands and told me quietly to go back. Confused, I looked at my dear mother, and she gently motioned to me to listen to my father.
I wanted so much to run to hold and kiss them again, but I was an obedient daughter, and I did not move. My father’s hands were still up, as if to create a barrier. He softly and lovingly repeated to me, “Go back!”
I do not know how much time passed, but when I finally regained consciousness, I was gagging on the breathing tube in my throat. I wanted to say Baruch Hashem, but I could not speak. I was in the ICU in the hospital. I felt tears in my eyes as I tried to call out to Hashem and to my parents, but I had no voice.
Some time later, I remember hearing the doctors discussing my surgery and how they were losing me, but got me back.
I am so fortunate Hashem allowed me to live, and also gave me the gift of seeing my dear sweet father and mother for a few precious moments. Baruch Hashem, I am back, and I continue to feel my parents’ presence. I feel them encouraging me to get stronger and stay happy.
So you see, it was all for the best.
Name Withheld Upon Request