Good morning and welcome to our new series, which should last forever or end by next week, depending on the stars, the cosmos and whether or not I get up early enough:

Here’s a really insightful one:

New pope to bind simplicity with ‘complexity’

Mind you, only the complexity part gets the quotes on either side, simplicity gets by unscathed. Just one question — what the heck does it mean? Is it the same as “New pope to bind thinness with ‘obesity’”?

This one’s from the Guardian:

Pope Francis, first day after election – live updates

How do you deliver on such a promise — live updates on the new pope? Pope had breakfast. Pope meditated. Pope answered the phone. Pope fed parrot. Billions of believers want to know.

Another journalistic jewel from the Guardian:

Dennis Rodman at Vatican as cardinals choose new pope – video

I mean, wasn’t that the first thing all of us were eager to know — did Dennis Rodman make it to Vatican City in time for the announcement? And if so, can it be proven with an authentic video?

The Times of Israel had a calming message:

New pope hopes for ‘renewed collaboration’ with Jews

Because, let’s face it, the old collaboration against Jews was no fun at all.

This one, from Reuters, is rather colorful:

New pope? Unbelievers shrug, carp, titter

When was the last time you had a good carp? And why didn’t those unbelievers cod, or, better yet, snapper?

This AFP headline could be read wrong on so many levels:

New pope pays homage to Virgin Mary on first outing

Either someone has outed the pope — which was to be expected — or, much worse, someone has outed the Virgin Mary.

And finally, this rather dubious speculation from The Daily Maverick:

New pope, new Chinese president: Who’d win in a fight?

My money is on the Chinese guy — younger and looks to be in better shape.