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April 21, 2014 / 21 Nisan, 5774
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Posts Tagged ‘PTA’

“…And There Were No More Tears…”

Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009

The argument raged on in its typical, predictable way. It was a one-sided argument where he ranted at her for something or other that she was guilty of, something he felt made her deserving of a punishment tantamount to “verbal death.” She, sitting there silently, indefensible, head bowed, saying nothing for fear of escalating or prolonging this gut-wrenching episode that has played out throughout their endless, loveless and hollow union. And when finally it was over, his anger for the moment spent, the door banging mercifully shut behind him, only then did she allow herself to exhale, to take in the sour air he left in his cruel wake, and to feel again. This was the pattern of her married life and for 39 years she lived it, always with the pitiful hope that it would change and somehow get better. But this time was different. This time there was none of the relief that usually marked the end of an episode, and the hope that it would get better did not follow. This time there was a comforting emptiness inside her that said “…no more…. this is the last time…no more!” This time, there were no tears.

She sat there with this new found sense of calm, not knowing quite how to digest it or how to process the emptiness inside her. So much time had been invested in fantasy, in dreams and hopes that would never materialize, certainly not at this late date in her married life. There had been so many sessions with marriage counselors in the past, which had yielded only momentary pockets of respite, lasting seconds in time, before they vaporized completely into oblivion, leaving him to go back to his old ways. So many apologies and promises on his part, after the vicious, cruel words he spat into her face during his vile and angry tirades, and she fell for them time and time again, in the hopes that this was the last time, but there was always a next time. So many tears at the realization that she could never please him enough, love him enough, or fill the voids that formed the cracks in his dysfunctional character. So many tears, wasted on the dining room rug, splattering the kitchen counter tiles, soaking the bedroom linen. So many wasted tears.

She recalled her courtship with him and saw the signs that were there even then. But way back in the day, who understood such things? Then, a girl was expected to be Mrs. So and So by the ripe old age of 19 or 20, or it was assumed that there was something wrong with her. And so, when he came along, with a similar background to hers, one that posed no culture shock or threat; they wanted the same kind of home; they were both children of Holocaust survivors, who wanted to escape their parents and this was the only avenue for their independence. She remembered the simple thrill of it all – these were the underlying catalysts that drew them to each other. He was 22 and she was 18 and the year of the commencement of her life sentence was 1970.

The evidence of her mistake in her choice of mate presented itself during the first days of their sheva brochos and set the pendulum in motion, his anger, for whatever reasons, spurred him to release at her the venom and bile he could not direct to the source of his malcontent. She, never having seen this in her girlhood home between her parents, where love and mutual respect and consideration were the cement that bound her family together, sat silently, breathlessly waiting for the maelstrom of abuse to pass, thinking “this is the last time…”. And for 39 years, so it went. As each of their seven children made their presence into this world, she thought that with this child, it would become better, but it never did. As each child entered their lives, he had another reason to berate her, how much weight she gained, how she was never dressed and made up like his friends’ wives, how she could never find the time to devote to his issues – only those of the kids! And the tears kept falling, silently, in huge satiny streams from her wincing eyes and down the sallow furrows of her cheeks they fell. Until today. Today there were no tears.

How strange the feeling was. How absolutely liberating the thought that she no longer cared what he said to her in his anger. How numbing and comforting to understand that she was finally freed from the emotional bloodbath that espoused her life with him and that she no longer welcomed or wanted his empty apologies that were sure to follow. She no longer hoped or dreamed that the frog would turn into a prince. She knew better now, because this time, there were no more tears. As she sat and contemplated this new and alien state of her being, she took stock of herself and another odd thing happened, she began to think of what she wanted to do with her life. All these years she had put him and the children and their needs before her own. She had helped out in the Sisterhood and worked for the PTA and done whatever she was called upon to do, all the while working part or full time to help pay the bills. In the last years she added caring for elderly and ailing parents to that list, all without complaint, and often with a false smile painted on her face to mask her aching heart. But not today. Today, for the very first time she thought of what she wanted to do – without a trace of guilt or a single tear.

She understood that he would never become selfless enough to love her in the way that she wanted and needed. He would never give her the compliments she craved or the respect that would elevate her to the heights she already knew she could rise to. He would never sacrifice his own needs and comforts to give to her in her times of need. And suddenly, that didn’t matter anymore, because she now knew that she could do that for herself. She also made a very solid choice – she acknowledged to herself that she would probably never leave him. She understood that life would not change to any large degree and that, too, was suddenly very doable. She would grow old lying in the “bed” that she chose for herself, not caring to risk falling into a “bed” with more lumps and bumps than the one she already had and that someone else cast out. As she thought these absolutely novel thoughts, she felt a smile touch her lips from corner to corner. A smile that was rusty and unused for so long it almost creaked as it made it way across her face, lighting up her saddened eyes and pushing away the last of what might have been tears were they allowed to progress, so that her once vibrant, cheerful and positive personality suddenly awoke.

And she stood up, straightening her simple skirt around her frame, catching her reflection in the wall mirror. Visages of an 18 year old girl with bright blue eyes, auburn hair and a world of promise peeked out behind the mature face and frame of her 57 years saying, “I’m still here waiting to do and feel and taste all that life still has to offer…. let’s do them now!” As she stared at her reflection, she felt the burdens lift, the shackles snap open and the gates of her private prison unlock. As she mentally walked into the next dimension of her life, one freed of the pain and misery she would never allow another person to inflict on her again, she squared her shoulders, raised her head and grew a full head taller invisibly. Collecting herself she said a silent prayer of thanks to the Almighty for this empowerment and renewed sense of self and purpose that He had blessed her with. She also made a vow that unless they were out of joy, love and happiness, there would never be tears again.

The ‘P’ in PTA: How Parents Can Make The Grade At The PTA Meeting

Wednesday, January 7th, 2009

It’s PTA time again. That means lots of studying for kids, test grading for teachers, and standing in line for parents. It also means lots of opportunities, as the adults in a child’s life get together on his or her behalf. There’s much more than sore feet on the line at the three-minute conference. PTA can be a catalyst for tremendous growth, if parents and teachers work together.

Ideally, parents should have some clue about what is going on in the classroom, way before the PTA meeting. Test grades, satisfaction levels, and children’s stories and attitudes speak very loudly. So do teachers’ communications – in the form of notes or the all-important phone calls some teachers make to parents, early in the school year.

Still, the Parent-Teachers conference, and the accompanying report card, put a stamp of authority on the facts.

There is much a parent can do to maximize the opportunities presented at the conference.

The Goal – Your Child’s Success

Parents and teachers may sit on opposite sides of the desk – but they must be on the same page. The goal of the meeting is to bring out the best in your child. That means that everything said at the meeting must be consistent with that goal.

If the teacher gives you a raving report, and thinks your child is the next gadol hador, it’s easy. Your job is to reap the nachas and repeat it to your child, to build his or her self-esteem. It’s also easy to throw in a compliment to the teacher – why not, for a person who thinks so highly of your child?

The challenge is more daunting when the teacher brings up an issue that needs improvement. Many parents instinctively get on the defensive, and even finger-point, blaming the teacher, her methods, or her classmates.

“My daughter is doing very well in English. It’s only in your class that she’s getting below 90%”

“Pinchos is an angel at home. I can’t believe that he is chutzpadik. Maybe you’re just not controlling the class.”

“You say Malky needs to be nicer to the girls? But they’re not nice to her. This is a terrible class.”

Of course, some complaints are legitimate, and should be aired. It is only a question of how to go about it.

Parents who are focused on their children will be solution oriented, rather than accusatory. They will work with the teacher to come up with ways to improve their child’s marks, behavior, or social skills.

Such parents will communicate effectively. They may use “I” messages, or other non-confrontational techniques, to bring across a point. They will also take the teacher’s comment a step farther, and look for a solution. A parent might say,

“I’m concerned about my daughter. She’s not doing well in your class. Is it possible that the level is too high for her?” What do you suggest we do to help her? [A change of seat, a tutor, a modified program or test, etc.]”

“I’m very surprised to hear that Pinchos is chutzpadik. There is never an excuse for poor middos. I will [speak to him, consult with an expert, etc.] and let him know that I expect him to speak with derech eretz.”

“I’m a little shocked to hear that Malky is not friendly, but thank you for bringing that up. It could be that someone is bothering her, but I’m going to keep an eye out for it at home. I may look into getting her help with social skills.”

The question parents really have to ask themselves is, “What are my accusations doing for my child?” Chances are that they are doing more harm than good. Teachers are, after all, human. They do not think well of people who accuse them, shout at them, or blame all of their child’s problems on them. And altruistic as they may be, teachers are far more inclined to help a child when they feel that the parent is working along with them.

Parents should also consider that the way they present their complaints says a lot about them. A parent who treats a teacher with disrespect may give credence to the argument that their child is disrespectful. The teacher will think, “like mother like daughter,” or “no wonder he speaks that way. That’s what he hears at home.”

So maintain your focus on the child – your precious gem, who may, in fact, need some polishing. And remember to compliment the teacher. Find something to compliment. Even if your child is not having a good experience, there is always something – a beautiful Shabbos story, interesting stencils, a fun game – and when you say something positive to the teacher, it can only work in your child’s favor.

On The Mark On Academic Performance

School is often geared to the average student. That means trouble for both the below average and the gifted student. The below-average student may be floundering; as he or she tries to keep up in a setting that grows ever more complicated. Such a child is at risk of losing self-esteem, and feeling hopeless and frustrated.

At the other end of the spectrum, the gifted child may be just as frustrated. Such a child is often more neglected than the child who is not keeping up. Bored and under stimulated, he or she may act out, or even tune out.

PTA can be a boon to both below average and above average students – if their parents take advantage of the opportunities it presents. Parents can work with the teacher to create a modified program for the below-average student, or an enrichment program for the gifted student.

“I had a student who was totally lost in Chumash.” says one teacher. “She didn’t know a thing. At PTA, we worked out a plan that she would study one pasuka day. The change was unbelievable. She knew ‘her’ pasuk perfectly. Her self-esteem went up tremendously, and as the year progressed, she began to study more pesukim. The year that began so miserably ended up being a tremendous success.”

It’s Not Just Marks

School is not just a place of learning; it is also a social setting. The classroom is, in fact, a social microcosm of the world. Children can be bullied, excluded, or ignored – all with devastating consequences. This occurs in both yeshivas and girls’ schools, at every grade level. One high school girl told me that she spends every recess in the bathroom, so that her classmates wouldn’t notice that she doesn’t have a single friend.

The PTA conference presents parents with an opportunity to intervene on behalf of their socially hampered children, by letting the teacher know about the situation. If the teacher is aware, she can help the situation – by staying in the classroom over recess, changing seats, or providing students with opportunities to work together.

She might also observe the child objectively, and let the parent know if she believes that professional intervention is necessary.

An Opportunity To Share Information

The PTA conference presents parents with an opportunity to share important information. As a Very Important Person in a child’s life, a teacher should be told anything that might help him or her relate to the child. A sibling’s wedding, a death in the family, or an impending move, all can influence your child’s routine and behavior. So can the fact that she has a lot of responsibility at home, or that he suffers from low self-esteem.

Although it may be uncomfortable and awkward for both the parent and the teacher to discuss certain sensitive issues, such as sickness or divorce, a parent who overcomes this discomfort does the child a great service.

Medical conditions should be brought to the teacher’s attention way before PTA. But if you somehow neglected this very important issue, now is the time. If the problem is not life threatening, some parents prefer to wait a month or two before informing the teacher, so that the teacher can get to know their child before labeling the student as “the one with the problem.” But in the case of conditions such as diabetes, asthma, or severe allergies, information can save a child’s life.

Give the teacher emergency medications, such as Benadryl and an EpiPen, as well as a briefing on emergency first aid. At the same time, make sure to reassure the teacher that the child is otherwise perfectly fine and normal, and should be treated like everyone else in the class.

Positive information should also be shared. If your child has a talent or special aptitude in a particular subject, tell the rebbe or teacher. Such talents include art, singing, drama, story telling, or leadership qualities. The information can help the teacher give your child opportunities to shine.

PTA – A Means; Not An End

The PTA conference is just one step in a parent’s partnership with the teacher. And the parent-teacher partnership is crucial to a child’s success. A United States Department of Education survey determined that the amount and degree of parental involvement is the most influential factor in determining success in school. That involvement may begin at the PTA conference – but it must continue on throughout the year.

“Involvement” must also include commitment. Did the teacher suggest help in academic or social skills? Did the rebbe say that your son is tired in class? Did the teacher suggest buying flash cards, a Chumash with translation, or a pencil grip? Demonstrate your commitment by taking action immediately.

When you act quickly on the suggestions made, you demonstrate to the teacher and to your child that you are seriously committed to your child’s success.

Ultimately, parents’ attitude and level of commitment to their child’s success, determines the outcome, not only of the PTA conference, but also of the entire school experience.

Mrs. Rifka Schonfeld founded and directs the widely acclaimed educational program, S.O.S. (Strategies for Optimum Success), servicing all grade levels in secular as well as Hebrew studies. She is a well-known and highly regarded educator, having served the community for close to 30 years. As a kriyah and reading specialist, she has successfully set up reading labs in many schools and yeshivas. In addition to her diversified teaching career she offers teacher training and educational consulting services. She has extensive expertise in the field of social skills training and focuses on working with the whole child. She can be reached at 718-382-5437 (KIDS).

When It’s Time to Stop Being Nice!

Wednesday, November 5th, 2008

     Is there ever a time to say, “Enough! No more Mr. Nice guy for me!”

    Think about this one before responding with a knee-jerk reaction − it’s not an easy question: Which quality would you like to impart to your child − how to be a nice person, or how to be a successful one?

   In response, you’ll probably wonder if the two are necessarily mutually exclusive. Are they ever?

    We define a nice person as someone who cares about others and is sensitive to their feelings. We’ve all met these sorts of individuals. These are the people who are selfless, seeing beyond their own wishes and putting the needs of others before their own. These are the people we love to be around.

     On the other hand, we identify successful people as those who assert themselves to ensure that their personal goals are being met, irrespective of the needs, wishes or opinions of others. We’ve all met these types of individuals who guiltlessly step on anyone who gets in the way of their climb up their proverbial career or social ladders. These are the types whom we try to avoid − at all costs, but who, nevertheless, seem to be getting what they want out of life.

   So, can the two co-exist?

   Ideally, we’d all like to teach our children how to be accommodating to the perspectives of others. We’d like to teach them how to share their toys, their time on the swing and their snacks. We like to view ourselves, too, as considerate people who willingly give up our seat to the elderly or handicapped, who generously toss a few coins to the outstretched arms of a homeless indigent and who support the neighbourhood PTA. We value talking politely and criticizing sparingly. Until that is, we have a run-in with someone who so blithely takes advantage of our good heartedness.

   Ever had a situation where you are being neglectful to yourself (or your family) by tending to the whims of fussy Uncle Ben, critical cousin Sally and selfish neighbor Rhonda? Are you being considerate − or a wimp − by being a ‘”yes man” to your boss’s opinions or by kowtowing to your tyrannical co-worker’s quirks?

   There are times when decidedly un-nice behaviour is the best response. Our traditions give the wise advice: “With a sly person, be sly.” To achieve the greater goal, the correct response may be to deal deceitfully − or arrogantly, or selfishly, or sternly − with a person who only understands that negative language. With people who can’t see beyond the little circle of their ego, ask yourself, is being nice the correct approach or will a more stern method ultimately achieve the greater good?

    How do you draw the line?

    Maybe the answer lies in evaluating our motives.

    Ask yourself, “Why be nice?” Do you believe this is the right way to approach life? Or do you just want to be thought of as a nice person? Do you genuinely believe that your child should share the coveted park’s swing with others, or is it your fear that he will be labelled as the ill-mannered bully? Why are you giving a rubber stamp approval to your friend or co-worker? Is it because you agree with what s/he is doing, or are you reluctant to appear disagreeable? Why are you generously offering your time and energy to others − do you want to be considered kind, or do you genuinely believe in the cause?

    Perhaps the key is developing an inner strength.

    Let’s impart to our children − and demonstrate to ourselves − the backbone to stand strong, whether that means having the courage to act with kindness and sensitivity (which should always be our default) or to act with deceitful slyness or gruff sternness to those that only understand that language − to achieve the best outcome.

    Some of the most self-centered people look strong on the outside, but are weak within, completely incapable of overcoming their personal biases and whims. And some of the nicest, kindest people may seem weak on the outside but have the steely determination within − to do the right thing. Whether that means saying an accommodating, sweet “Yes” (in most cases) or an unkind, stiff “No.” Not because they are affected by how others will view them, but by how their Creator does.

   What do YOU think? When is it time to stop being nice?

    Watch Chana Weisberg’s two-minute videocast on www.chabad.org/intouchfor your dose of weekly inspiration. Chana Weisberg is the author of several books, including Divine Whispers − Stories that Speak to the Heart and Soul and Tending the Garden: The Unique Gifts of the Jewish Woman. She is an international inspirational lecturer on a wide array of topics and an editor at chabad.org. She can be reached at chanaw@gmail.com.

When It’s Time to Stop Being Nice!

Wednesday, November 5th, 2008

     Is there ever a time to say, “Enough! No more Mr. Nice guy for me!”


    Think about this one before responding with a knee-jerk reaction − it’s not an easy question: Which quality would you like to impart to your child − how to be a nice person, or how to be a successful one?


   In response, you’ll probably wonder if the two are necessarily mutually exclusive. Are they ever?


    We define a nice person as someone who cares about others and is sensitive to their feelings. We’ve all met these sorts of individuals. These are the people who are selfless, seeing beyond their own wishes and putting the needs of others before their own. These are the people we love to be around.


     On the other hand, we identify successful people as those who assert themselves to ensure that their personal goals are being met, irrespective of the needs, wishes or opinions of others. We’ve all met these types of individuals who guiltlessly step on anyone who gets in the way of their climb up their proverbial career or social ladders. These are the types whom we try to avoid − at all costs, but who, nevertheless, seem to be getting what they want out of life.


   So, can the two co-exist?


   Ideally, we’d all like to teach our children how to be accommodating to the perspectives of others. We’d like to teach them how to share their toys, their time on the swing and their snacks. We like to view ourselves, too, as considerate people who willingly give up our seat to the elderly or handicapped, who generously toss a few coins to the outstretched arms of a homeless indigent and who support the neighbourhood PTA. We value talking politely and criticizing sparingly. Until that is, we have a run-in with someone who so blithely takes advantage of our good heartedness.


   Ever had a situation where you are being neglectful to yourself (or your family) by tending to the whims of fussy Uncle Ben, critical cousin Sally and selfish neighbor Rhonda? Are you being considerate − or a wimp − by being a ‘”yes man” to your boss’s opinions or by kowtowing to your tyrannical co-worker’s quirks?


   There are times when decidedly un-nice behaviour is the best response. Our traditions give the wise advice: “With a sly person, be sly.” To achieve the greater goal, the correct response may be to deal deceitfully − or arrogantly, or selfishly, or sternly − with a person who only understands that negative language. With people who can’t see beyond the little circle of their ego, ask yourself, is being nice the correct approach or will a more stern method ultimately achieve the greater good?


    How do you draw the line?


    Maybe the answer lies in evaluating our motives.


    Ask yourself, “Why be nice?” Do you believe this is the right way to approach life? Or do you just want to be thought of as a nice person? Do you genuinely believe that your child should share the coveted park’s swing with others, or is it your fear that he will be labelled as the ill-mannered bully? Why are you giving a rubber stamp approval to your friend or co-worker? Is it because you agree with what s/he is doing, or are you reluctant to appear disagreeable? Why are you generously offering your time and energy to others − do you want to be considered kind, or do you genuinely believe in the cause?


    Perhaps the key is developing an inner strength.


    Let’s impart to our children − and demonstrate to ourselves − the backbone to stand strong, whether that means having the courage to act with kindness and sensitivity (which should always be our default) or to act with deceitful slyness or gruff sternness to those that only understand that language − to achieve the best outcome.


    Some of the most self-centered people look strong on the outside, but are weak within, completely incapable of overcoming their personal biases and whims. And some of the nicest, kindest people may seem weak on the outside but have the steely determination within − to do the right thing. Whether that means saying an accommodating, sweet “Yes” (in most cases) or an unkind, stiff “No.” Not because they are affected by how others will view them, but by how their Creator does.


   What do YOU think? When is it time to stop being nice?


    Watch Chana Weisberg’s two-minute videocast on www.chabad.org/intouchfor your dose of weekly inspiration. Chana Weisberg is the author of several books, including Divine Whispers − Stories that Speak to the Heart and Soul and Tending the Garden: The Unique Gifts of the Jewish Woman. She is an international inspirational lecturer on a wide array of topics and an editor at chabad.org. She can be reached at chanaw@gmail.com.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/jewess-press/when-its-time-to-stop-being-nice/2008/11/05/

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