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September 17, 2014 / 22 Elul, 5774
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Posts Tagged ‘Rosh Chodesh’

My Machberes

Wednesday, January 4th, 2012

Igud Rosh Chodesh At Kingsbrook

On Monday, Rosh Chodesh Teves – the sixth day of Chanukah, December 26 – more than thirty member rabbis convened at Kingsbrook Jewish Medical Center in Brooklyn to participate in the Rosh Chodesh Conference of the Rabbinical Alliance of America-Igud Horabbonim. Speakers included Rabbi Noach Bernstein, Rabbi Michoel Chazan, Rabbi Yaakov Spivak, Rabbi Yehuda Levin, and this writer.

Rabbi Chazan, chaplain of Kingsbrook, described the invaluable work being done by the chaplaincy staff. He told of a volunteer who attended to elderly patients at the hospital, particularly in helping them with their tefillin for daily prayers. The volunteer sought the blessing of Rabbi Yoel Teitelbaum, zt”l (1886-1979), Satmar Rebbe. The Rebbe encouraged the volunteer to continue his good work and blessed him with long life. The volunteer lived into his late 90s. His work is being continued today by his son. Rabbi Chazan also noted that the greatly respected Bikur Cholim of Satmar began its citywide mission and operations at Kingsbrook Jewish Medical Center.

This writer, in his capacity as Igud director and rav of B’nai Israel of Linden Heights, called for the re-staffing and re-empowerment of New York State’s Kosher Law Enforcement under the direction of Rabbi Luzer Weiss. New York has become synonymous with kosher food, and kosher consumers today include vegetarians, the lactose intolerant, Hindus, observant Jews and others. Any erosion in the perception of kosher quality will hurt New York’s kosher food production as well as its economy.

A resolution was unanimously approved urging the governor and the state legislature to embolden and increase the office of Kosher Law Enforcement, led by the universally respected Rabbi Luzer Weiss, thus ensuring that the state’s kosher food industry would continue to grow – a critical consideration in this time of increasing unemployment.

Rabbi Yaakov Spivak, rav and rosh kollel of Ashyel Avraham in Monsey as well as a columnist and radio and TV commentator, focused on the dangers of smoking. In 1964, Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, zt”l (1893-1986), author of Igros Moshe, did not prohibit smoking “in particular because a number of great Torah sages, in past generations and in our own, smoke” (see Igros Moshe, Yoreh Deah 2:49 [1964]; Yoreh Deah 3:35 [1973]; and Choshen Mishpat 2:76 [1981]).

This, plainly, was because those venerable sages did not yet know that smoking was dangerous. On the contrary, smoking tobacco was perceived as beneficial and healthful. Indeed, when Rabbi Israel Meir Hakohen, zt”l (1838-1933), author of Chofetz Chaim and Mishnah Berurah, heard from doctors that smoking was dangerous for those who are “weak,” he ruled that, even if one is addicted, it is necessary to stop.

Rabbi Spivak stressed that no one is permitted to begin smoking – especially young yeshiva students. Rabbi Spivak called on Torah leaders to take the initiative in stopping smoking by our youths.

Students who earned their semicha at Kollel Ashyel Avraham and are now Igud member rabbis presented Rabbi Spivak, their Torah mentor, with a plaque expressing their deep appreciation of his Torah leadership and guidance. Rabbi Spivak and the other rabbis present were moved by the expression of deep, heartfelt appreciation.

Kingsbrook Jewish Medical Center is located at 585 Schenectady Avenue in the East Flatbush section of central Brooklyn, moments away from Crown Heights. It was founded in 1925 as a chronic care facility to serve the Jewish community within a cultural context.

As the community has evolved and diversified, Kingsbrook has expanded its services and programs to meet the needs of the area’s large, culturally diverse communities. The rabbis met in the Chaim Albert Synagogue, which serves as a full service synagogue as well as the Jewish chapel for the hospital. The high vaulted ceiling and tall stained glass windows with more than 7,000 memorial name plaques adorning its walls, some dating back to 1873, confirm the shul’s status as an emblem of the community’s rich Jewish history, recalling the time when great rabbis lived in a thriving Jewish neighborhood.

Kosher Chaplains

In 2006, a number of observant Jewish chaplains serving at medical facilities throughout the United States and Canada joined to participate in the first Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) course specially tailored for observant Jews.

Successful completion of the CPE course by chaplains is desired by hospitals and medical establishments. However, since the regular presentation of the course does not address issues that affect observant Jewish patients, who are dealt with by observant chaplains on a daily basis, a special presentation was organized by Rabbi Chazan. Rabbi Chazan is also director of the Central Council of Rabbinical Chaplains (CCRC). In these capacities, Rabbi Chazan is the dynamic leader of observant chaplaincy services throughout the United States.

In 2008, CCRC held a gathering at Kingsbrook’s aforementioned chapel. More than 30 rabbinical chaplains from the tri-state area participated. Keynote speaker at the event was Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski, renowned spiritual leader, psychiatrist, therapist, and author. Rabbi Twerski addressed many issues and concerns that confront hospital rabbinical-chaplains daily.

Mitzvah Shopping

Thursday, December 22nd, 2011

He must be a very important person to get such an important mitzvah, I heard them say, as Mr. Loewenstein, the local assemblyman, stepped up to recite the Torah blessing before the reading of the Ten Commandments. And Mr. Kleppish was too embarrassed to tell his wife that he only got third galilah on Shabbat Rosh Chodesh Chanukah.

Meanwhile, in the neighborhood shtiebel, Maftir was sold for $500 and petichah was sold for $20. Do we know which mitzvah is more important than another? Should we give priority to an “important” mitzvah over an “unimportant” mitzvah?

Thinking about the kohen performing the rituals of the daily morning sacrifice provides us with an illustrative answer. Which mitzvah was he to perform first? The distinguished task of preparing the menorah for the evening kindling, or the menial task of sweeping the altar from yesterday’s ashes? First he swept off the ashes and then he prepared the menorah. Because, explains Resh Lakish, the altar was closer to the door through which the kohen entered the sanctuary than the menorah, so that the kohen reached the altar first. “Ein maavirin al hamitzvot” – do not offend a mitzvah by postponing it, says Resh Lakish. First do the mitzvah that first comes your way.

Even if the mitzvah that first comes your way is considered by the halacha to be less holy than the second, most agree that the less holy mitzvah should be performed first. The tefillin shel rosh is holier than the tefillin shel yad because it has more letters of God’s name on it than the teffilin shel yad. Yet the tefillin shel yad is put on first.

This, explains Rashi, is because the arm is closer to the hand than to the head. For the same reason, explain the Tosafists, when replacing the tefillin back in their bag, the tefillin shel rosh should not be placed on top of the tefillin shel yad, for by doing so one would violate the rule of ein maavirim al hamitzvot. This is because the tefillin shel rosh would have to be put aside the next morning while the tefillin shel yad was being donned first, in order to comply with the sequence in which the Torah introduces them, “Bind these words as a sign on your hand and let them be an emblem in the center of your head.” Similarly, when reciting the verse “You open Your hand and satisfy the need of every human being,” the tefillin shel yad should be touched first.

The correct order for donning tallit and tefillin is tallit first and then tefillin. This order respects the rule of maalim bekodesh, ascend in the order of holiness. The rule of maalim bekodesh gives way, however, to the rule of ein maavirim al hamitzvot in the following situation: If one pulls the tefillin out of the bag before the tallit, then according to the Shulchan Aruch, tefillin should be donned first in order not to violate the rule of ein maavirim al hamitzvot. In order to avoid this conflict, the tallit should be put back in the bag on top of the tefillin. The correct order for reading the Torah on Chanukah Rosh Chodesh Tevet is first the portion of Rosh Chodesh and then the portion of Chanukah.

This order respects the rule of tadir kodem – perform first the mitzvah that occurs with higher frequency. The rule of tadir kodem gives way, however, to the rule of ein maavirim al hamitzvot in the following situation: If, according to the Taz, one mistakenly began reading the Chanukah portion first, he should, in order not to violate the rule of ein maavirim al hamitzvot, not interrupt this reading with the Rosh Chodesh reading.

The Radvaz was once asked whether a prisoner who was given a one-day furlough each year should take it at the earliest opportunity or wait for Yom Kippur. After all, on Yom Kippur one can perform more important mitzvot. Based on the precept of ein maavirim al hamitzvot, he ruled that the prisoner should take it now even though it was an ordinary weekday. The Chacham Zvi disagreed. If you can be certain, he says, that the authorities will not change their minds, it is preferable to wait for Yom Kippur.

Raphael Grunfeld’s book “Ner Eyal on Seder Moed” (distributed by Mesorah) is available at OU.org and your local Judaica bookstore. His new book, “Ner Eyal on Seder Nashim & Nezikin,” will be available shortly. Any comments to the writer are welcome at rafegrunfeld@gmail.com.

Parshas Miketz

Wednesday, December 21st, 2011

Vol. LXII No. 51 5772
New York City CANDLE LIGHTING TIME
Dec. 23, 2011 – 27 Kislev 5772
4:13 p.m. NYC E.S.T.

Sabbath Ends: 5:24 p.m. NYC E.S.T.
Weekly Reading: Miketz
Weekly Haftara: Roni VeSimchi (Zechariah 2:14-4:7)
Daf Yomi: Bechoros 39
Mishna Yomit: Yoma 6:5-6
Halacha Yomit: Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:2-6
Rambam Yomi: Hilchos Mechirah chap. 19-21
Earliest time for Tallis and Tefillin: 6:18 a.m. NYC E.S.T.
Latest Kerias Shema: 9:37 a.m. NYC E.S.T.

This Shabbos is Shabbos Mevarchim. We bless the new month of Teves. Rosh Chodesh is two days, Monday and Tuesday. The molad is Sunday morning, 20 minutes and 17 chalakim (a chelek is 1/18 of a minute) after 7:00 a.m. (in Jerusalem).

This is Shabbos Chanukah as well. Friday night we light the Chanukah candles first, and then the Shabbos candles. We use larger candles or more oil to assure that these candles, which we lit earlier, remain lit at least a half hour after shekia. Following Shacharis we recite whole Hallel. We then take out two Sifrei Torah: in the first we read from Parashas Miketz, we call up 7 aliyos. We then place both Sifrei Torah on the bimah and recite half Kaddish. Following the Hagbaha, we read the Maftir in Parashas Naso, from Vayehi Beyom Chalos Moshe (Bamidbar 7:42-47). Haftara same as above. We do not say Av Harachamim. Otherwise the order continues as usual, with the exception of the inclusion of Al Hanissim in the Musaf Shemoneh Esreh. We conclude the service with Mizmor Shir Chanukas Habayis. Mincha: usual Kerias Hatorah, then we add Al Hanissim in the Shemoneh Esreh. At Maariv we say Vi’yehi Noam. Motza’ei Shabbos, in shul we first light Chanukah candles, then Havdala. At home the order is reversed.

The order of the day for Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday (the last day of Chanukah) is as follows: in the Shemoneh Esreh and Birkas Hamazon we say Al Hanissim, no Tachanun or E-l Erech Appayim, whole Hallel followed by half Kaddish (except on Rosh Chodesh, when we say whole Kaddish and Musaf). We then read from the Torah, beginning [on the fourth day] in Parashas Naso (Bamidbar 7:30), each day the first two Aliyos from the Nasi of that day. The third Aliya is from the Nasi of the following day. On the eighth day, the third Aliya concludes in the beginning of Parashas Beha’aloscha (Bamidbar 8:4), half Kaddish, no Yehi Ratzon. After the Torah reading we say Ashrei, U’va LeTziyyon, we omit Lamenatze’ach and at the usual conclusion of tefilla we add Mizmor Shir Chanukas Habayis.

Rosh Chodesh Teves (two days this coming Monday and Tuesday): Sunday evening; Maariv, we add Ya’aleh VeYavo as well as Al Hanissim.

Monday morning: Shacharis we add Ya’aleh VeYavo as well as Al Hanissim. Since it is Chanukah we recite whole Hallel, we then call the first three aliyos and read from Parashas Pinchas (Bamidbar 28:1-15) and the fourth aliyah from the Nasi of that day (Bayom Hashi’shi – Bamidbar 7:42-47) followed by Musaf of Rosh Chodesh. Tuesday second day Rosh Chodesh same as yesterday.

Kiddush Levana at first opportunity, or at the latest until Tuesday January 10th at night.

The following chapters of Tehillim are being recited by many congregations and Yeshivos for our brothers and sisters in Eretz Yisrael: Chapter 83, 130, 142. – Y.K.

Parshas Toldos

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2011

Vol. LXII No. 47                             5772

 

New York City

CANDLE LIGHTING TIME

November 25, 2011 – 28 Cheshvan 5772

4:11 p.m. NYC E.S.T.

 

Sabbath Ends: 5:20 p.m. NYC E.S.T.

Weekly Reading: Toldos

Weekly Haftara: Machar Chodesh (I Samuel 20:18-42)

Daf Yomi: Bechoros 11

Mishna Yomit: Shekalim 7:3-4

Halacha Yomit: Kitzur Shulchan Aruch, 195:14 –196:4

Rambam Yomi: Hilchos Mikva’os  chap. 8-10

Earliest time for tallis and tefillin: 5:58 a.m. NYC E.S.T.

Latest Kerias Shema: 9:20 a.m. NYC E.S.T.

 

This Shabbos is Shabbos Mevorchim, Rosh Chodesh Kislev is (1 day) this coming Sunday. The Molad is Friday evening 36 minutes and 16 Chalakim (a chelek is 1/18 of a minute) past 6:00 pm [in Jerusalem].

                         Rosh Chodesh Kislev: Motza’ei Shabbos at Maariv we add Ya’aleh VeYavo. However, if one forgot to include Ya’aleh VeYavo (at Maariv only) one does not repeat (Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chayyim 422:1, based on Berachos 30b, which explains that this is due to the fact that we do not sanctify the month at night). Following the Shemoneh Esreh, the chazzan recites half-Kaddish. We then say Viyehi Noam and Ve’Ata Kadosh. The chazzan then recites Kaddish Tiskabbel, Aleinu, Kaddish Yasom.

Sunday morning: Shacharis with inclusion of Ya’aleh VeYavo in the Shemoneh Esreh, half Hallel, Kaddish Tiskabbel. We take out one Sefer Torah. We read in Parashas Pinchas (Bamidbar 28:1-15), we call four Aliyos (Kohen, Levi, Yisrael, Yisrael), the Baal Keria recites half- Kaddish. We return the Torah to the Aron, Ashrei, U’va Letziyyon – we delete La’menatze’ach – the chazzan recites half- Kaddish; all then remove their tefillin.

                        Musaf of Rosh Chodesh, followed by Reader’s repetition and Kaddish Tiskabbel, Aleinu, Shir Shel Yom, Borchi Nafshi and their respective Kaddish recitals (for mourners). Nusach Sefarad say Shir Shel Yom and Borchi Nafshi after half Hallel, and before Aleinu they add Ein K’Elokeinu with Kaddish DeRabbanan.

                        Mincha: In the Shemoneh Esreh we say Ya’aleh VeYavo, which we also add to Birkas Hamazon as well as mention of Rosh Chodesh in Beracha Acharona (Me’ein Shalosh) at all times. Kiddush Levana at first opportunity (we usually wait until Motza’ei Shabbos).

                        The following chapters of Tehillim are being recited by many congregations and Yeshivos for our brothers and sisters in Eretz Yisrael: Chapter 83, 130, 142. –Y.K.

Parshas Noach

Wednesday, October 26th, 2011

Vol. LXII No. 43                                           5772

New York City

CANDLE LIGHTING TIME

October 28, 2011 – 30  Tishrei 5772

5:37 NYC E.D.T.

 

Sabbath Ends: 6:43 p.m. NYC E.D.T.

Weekly Reading: Noach

Weekly Haftara: Koh Amar Hashem (Isaiah 66:1-24)

Daf Yomi: Chullin 124

Mishna Yomit: Pesachim 9:4-5

Halacha Yomit: Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 181: 1-5

Rambam Yomi: Hilchos Metam’ei Mishkav u’Moshav  chap. 1-3

Earliest time for Tallis and Tefillin 6:27 a.m. NYC E.D.T.

Latest Kerias Shema: 10:01 a.m. NYC E.D.T.

 

Today is Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan (Rosh Chodesh is 2 days, Friday and Shabbos). Friday morning: Shacharis with inclusion of Ya’aleh VeYavo in the Shemoneh Esreh. Following chazzan’s repetition we say half-Hallel, Kaddish Tiskabbel. We take out one Sefer Torah from the Ark. We read in Parashas Pinchas (Bamidbar 28:1-15), we call four Aliyos (Kohen, Levi, Yisrael, Yisrael), the Baal Keriah recites half-Kaddish. We return the Torah to the Ark, Ashrei, U’va LeTziyyon – we delete Lamenatze’ach – the chazzan recites half-Kaddish; all then remove their tefillin.

Mussaf of Rosh Chodesh, followed by chazzan’s repetition and Kaddish Tiskabbel, Aleinu, Shir Shel Yom, Borchi Nafshi and their respective Kaddish recitals (for mourners). Nusach Sefarad say Shir Shel Yom and Borchi Nafshi after half-Hallel. Before Aleinu they add Ein K’Elokeinu with Kaddish DeRabbanan.

Mincha: In the Shemoneh Esreh we say Ya’aleh VeYavo, followed by chazzan’s repetition and Kaddish Tiskabbel, Aleinu and Mourner’s Kaddish.

Birkas Hamazon: In the Grace after Meals we add Ya’aleh VeYavo as well as mention of Rosh Chodesh in Beracha Acharona (Me’ein Shalosh) at all times.

Friday evening, Kabbalas Shabbos and the usual Maariv tefilla with inclusion of Ya’aleh VeYavo in the Shemoneh Esreh. If one forgot to say Ya’aleh VeYavo – at Maariv only one does not repeat. (The Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chayyim 422:1, based on Berachos 30b, explains this as due to the fact that we do not sanctify the new month at night – and this rule applies even when Rosh Chodesh is two days.)

Shabbos mornings: Shacharis is usual Shabbos tefilla with inclusion of Ya’aleh VeYavo in the Shemoneh Esreh as well as in the chazzan’s repetition, followed by half-Hallel, Kaddish Tiskabbel. We remove two Torah scrolls from the Ark and in the first we read the weekly portion of Noach and call seven Aliyos. We then call the Maftir and read from the second Sefer Torah in Parashas Pinchas (Bamidbar 28:9-15). We then read the Haftara, Hashamayim Kis’i (Yeshayahu 66:1-24). We say Yekum Purkan, we do not say Av HaRachamim, nor is there Hazkaras Neshamos, but we continue with Ashrei. We return the scrolls to the Ark and the chazzan says half-Kaddish.

Mussaf: Instead of Tikkanta Shabbos we substitute Ata Yatzarta and in the Korbanos (sacrifices) we mention both Shabbos and Rosh Chodesh; after chazzan’s repetition, Kaddish Tiskabbel followed by Ein K’Elokeinu, Aleinu, Shir Shel Yom and Borchi Nafshi and their respective Kaddish recitals (for mourners). Nusach Sefarad say Shir Shel Yom and Borchi Nafshi after Shacharis.

Mincha is usual Shabbos tefilla. We include Ya’aleh VeYavo in the Shemoneh Esreh. We do not say Tzidkas’cha. Maariv is the usual Motza’ei Shabbos tefilla.

                        The following chapters of Tehillim are being recited by may congregations and Yeshivos for our brothers and sisters in Eretz Yisrael: Chapter 83, 130, 142. – Y.K.

Daughters And Daughters-In-Law Also Need Help – The Readers Respond

Wednesday, November 19th, 2008

Special Note: Subsequent to the publication of my article on the conflict between a young woman and her mother-in-law, I received an avalanche of mail. I feel very saddened to share with you that these letters all reflected anger, resentment, and most tragic of all, a deterioration of what used to be the beautiful cohesiveness of Jewish family life. Of course, I am aware that there are countless people out there who do enjoy the blessing of shalom bayis, but that does not minimize the reality of the conflicts that are plaguing us today. It also appears that this conflict is not only prevalent among in-law children, but between mothers and daughters as well. I am publishing two of these letters.

Letter # 1

A Troubled Daughter’s Perspective

Dear Rebbetzin:

I would like to respond to your most recent column about daughters/daughters-in-law. For a while now, I have had a serious problem with my mother. Hashem has blessed me with four wonderful children. For the majority of the week, except for Shabbat, I am alone with them. My husband works two jobs and doesn’t come home until very late after the kids have gone to bed. Thank G-d, we are able to send the older three to school and so, during the day, I am only with the baby. It is much easier than last year when I was home with two little ones. Having just one at home makes a big difference. I am able to breathe a little, but I still have responsibility for one.

In the evenings it is a constant challenge for me not to lose my mind. I have to do dinner, bed and bath, all alone. On nights when I lose it, which is too often, I think I break down once the kids are sleeping. I don’t so much feel sorry for myself. It’s more about the memories they will have of their mother constantly yelling or shushing them or hurrying them up.

I don’t want to be that mother. I have nowhere to turn. I pray constantly. Every minute actually, as my days go on. The only time I get a break is when they are all sleeping, and even then, I am full of anxiety waiting for one of them to wake up.

I am overworked; usually I go through the week in the same clothes. I don’t have time to look decent, never mind to wear clean clothes. I need a break, and wouldn’t you think that a woman could at least turn to her mother for help? Not in my case. My mother is selfish. She never cares to baby-sit. She knows exactly how hard I work.

She herself raised four kids. I never complain to her. All I do is ask her to baby-sit. In the past, whenever I would ask her, before she answered, we would go through the usual questions: “Where are you going? When will you be home? Can’t so-and-so baby-sit? ” This was followed by, “Well, I don’t know…I’m really tired.”

I would get so angry and argue with her until she agreed, and when she finally did agree, I didn’t feel like having her baby-sit anymore. She made me feel so awful for asking. As the months went on I just got tired of asking her to baby-sit. If I asked and she said no, I just accepted it without pleading my case.

A few months ago my husband and I were invited to a wedding. We were so excited to finally get out. She agreed to baby-sit, but showed up late. We missed the chuppah, which upset us. When we told her that, she said, “Oh well.” Then we were invited to one of the sheva berachot. It was close to home. I told her that the groom noticed that we weren’t at the chuppah…hint, hint…and we wanted to make it up to him by going to the sheva berachot. She agreed after I told her it would only be a couple of hours.

Well, it ran late. Once the clock began ticking, I started to get anxiety. I couldn’t leave early because the Rabbi had just arrived. In the car, on the way home, I told my husband that we couldn’t go out anymore. It’s not worth the anxiety.

When we got home, she gave me an earful. I felt physically sick afterward. How dare she make me feel guilty? This has been my whole life. My mother constantly plays mind games. I asked her once to baby-sit early in the morning so that I could attend a bris. She didn’t want to, but instead of telling the truth, she went on and said that I didn’t need to go because they didn’t come to mine. UGH!

A few months ago I had it out with her. I told her “I am your daughter. You should want to help me out. You should want to see me have a night with my husband without the kids.” Before the wedding that my husband and I attended, I think the last time we went out was in 2006. She will never do anything that is too hard for her.

The part that gets me the angriest is that she started to become more observant, but she doesn’t know what it’s like to do mitzvot and chesed. Her reply to the above was that she baby-sat enough with the two older ones. That’s right. Punish me because I am giving you more grandchildren.

Rebbetzin, with the help of my husband, I have come to accept that this is my mother. She is not going to change. But now, I have come to the point where I can honestly say that I resent her.

The sad part is that my mother-in-law doesn’t care to help either, so we are totally alone. A while back, my husband and I and the kids spent Shabbat at a rabbi’s house. I got to talk with one of the other guests. We were talking about life and she told me how, when her kids were younger, she had such a great support system from her siblings. They were always willing to help out. I told my husband that that was a slap in my face. I need to accept that if Hashem wanted me to have a mother that cared, I would.

I pray every day for Hashem to send me help. Someone that I can turn to. Because I don’t have a baby-sitter, I miss out on many lectures and Rosh Chodesh events. I guess the world is no longer like it used to be…when it would take a village to raise a child. Grandmothers today are too absorbed in their own world of doing lunch, getting their nails put on or their hair blow-dried.

Rebbetzin, thank you for letting me vent. I would love to hear any advice you may have.

Letter # 2

A Mother-In-Law’s Perspective

Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis:

They say that before Mashiach comes, daughters and daughters-in- law will go against their mothers. Sadly, I think I can testify to this.

I have been a mother-in-law for many years now. My daughter-in-law lives out of town, and even when they lived in town, my husband and I always helped in every way we could – and we both work. We did everything possible for them, whether it was money, taking the children for Shabbos so their parents could go on vacation, helping when the mother was sick, baby-sitting – the list goes on and on. There is no end to what we were asked to do or what we wanted to do and did. P.S. I also work, cook and take care of my house – and have part-time help.

As I read this letter, I hear the same words that I heard come out of my daughter-in-law’s mouth less than six months ago – how in-laws do not do enough and have to help more (by the way, I was wondering whether the two girls are friends).

When they come for a visit or a Yom Tov, they feel they are on vacation and need not help out at all. Recently, my daughter-in-law asked me to take the children for a few days. I told her that this time, I could not …for the first time in 20 years, I said no. Well, World War III broke out! Now, she doesn’t talk to me, and I was shocked at the words that came out of her mouth…by the way each time I did not or could not do something for her, she attacked me, and I have only said no twice.

Where does it say how much an in-law has to do? Where does it say that a daughter-in-law who is six months pregnant cannot help – being pregnant is not an illness? Where is it written that a husband can tell his wife, “If you go to my parents, you don’t need to help, they will understand?” My daughter-in-law has never been in my shoes – does she have the right to judge me?

No mother-in-law requires her daughter-in-law to wash her floors…but just to lend a hand, and if they resent helping, where are their husbands? Why don’t they do something?

I have another daughter-in-law whom I expect to help when they come – set the table, clear off, make sure diapers are not lying around, and they both work full-time and have small kids.

A mother-in-law doesn’t have to do a thing if she chooses not to, and daughters-in-law should help when they come. At the very least, they should ask their mothers-in-law what they could do to assist, or they should bring something for the Shabbos table, or ask their mother-in-law how their week went. Such a question would reflect some consideration and sensitivity. After all, mothers-in-law are people too!

From a mother-in-law who’s had it!

Q & A: Yahrzeit And The Two Adars (Conclusion)

Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
QUESTION: In a leap year when there are two months of Adar, during which month is a yahrzeit observed? Do the rules of yahrzeit precedence apply in regard to Kaddish? Finally, can you discuss the precedence regarding leading services during the year of mourning?
M. Berman
Los Angeles, CA
ANSWER: We began our discussion with the application of yahrzeit dates from a leap year’s two months of Adar to a non-leap year’s Adar, and vice versa. We discussed the hierarchy of precedence in regard to mourners reciting the Kaddish prayer. The rights to precedence follow the severity (middat hadin) of the stage of mourning – as discussed by R. Yechiel Michel Tykocinsky in his Gesher HaChayyim. There is also a question of precedence as to who leads the prayer service. We continued with an examination of the sources of these stages of mourning. Last week we discussed the yahrzeit day specifically. We now conclude our discussion.* * *

There is an anomaly regarding a leap year. On the one hand we noted that if the person died during Adar of a “shana peshuta,” a non-leap year, the main yahrzeit commemoration is on the specific day during the first Adar (Adar I), with a lesser observance on the same day during the second Adar (Adar II).

However, regarding our celebration of Purim, the 14th day during the first Adar is observed as Purim Katan, with a minimal observance, yet the real celebration is held on the 14th day of the second Adar.

Regarding the need for the yarhrzeit to be observed during the first Adar, this can be explained based on the time the avelut commences. As we discussed previously, the full mourning period is 12 months – even though Kaddish is only recited for one’s parents for 11 months, as we do not wish to designate parents as being wicked. [See Rema, Orach Chayyim 376:4, who notes that the judgment of the wicked lasts 12 months.]

The 12 months obviously start at the time of death. There is a major dispute among the authorities as to when the 12-month period starts in the event that death and burial were not on the same day.

The Shach (Yoreh De’ah 402:12, citing the Responsa of R. Binyamin) rules that if the burial is not on the same day as the death or on the following day, but takes place on the third day from death, then the yahrzeit in the first year follows the date of burial, as there must be a complete 12 months of mourning, and in this case three days would otherwise be missing from that mourning period.

The Taz (ad loc.; and Orach Chayyim 568:8) disagrees, saying: “If one first heard of the death of his father six months after his death, there is no one who would rule that he now mourns for 12 months from the time he heard about it, but rather the 12 months are counted from the time of the date of death.”

In practice we seem to follow the ruling of the Shach, but only if three complete days have passed (see Yesodei Semachot, the excellent sefer by R. Aron Felder, shlita, Philadelphia).

Accordingly, the yahrzeit would be observed during the first Adar of a leap year, as one certainly would not observe 13 months of mourning. Regarding every successive year, the yahrzeit is observed on the date of death. This is inferred from the Gemara (Shevuot 20a) and Rashi (ad loc. s.v. “Keyom she’met bo aviv”), where we see that the date of death is imbued with a precision clear enough to effect a proper oath.

Thus, regarding fasting and saying Kaddish, this is observed during the first Adar; but since there is a second Adar, we treat that same day in the second Adar as a lesser observance, where one recites Kaddish only, but does not fast [although there is a view in Piskei Mahari, cited by Rema, to fast on both days].

Regarding Purim being celebrated during the second Adar, we find the following in the Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chayyim 685:1): “If the Rosh Chodesh of Adar that is closest to Nissan [i.e. Adar II] falls on Shabbat, we read Parashat Shekalim [the first of the four special Torah readings - Shekalim, Zachor, Parah, and Parashat Hachodesh].”

The Mishna Berura (ad loc., citing Rashi on Megilla 29a s.v. “Korin beparashat Shekalim] explains that this is done so that in the time of the existence of the Temple they would bring their shekalim in the month closest to Rosh Chodesh Nissan in order to be able to bring offerings from Rosh Chodesh and on from the new shekalim donations.

We find as well the dispute between R. Eliezer b. R. Yosi and R. Shimon b. Gamaliel (Megilla 6b) as to whether we read the Megilla and give matanot la’evyonim during the first Adar or the second. R. Eliezer b. R. Yosi is of the opinion that we observe the mitzvot of Purim during the Adar closest to Shevat, just as in all the other years, as the verse states (Esther 9:27), “Bechol shana veshana – each and every year,” and we have a rule of “Ein ma’avirin al hamitzvot – We do not allow a mitzva to be bypassed,” meaning that we perform it as soon as possible.

R. Shimon b. Gamaliel derives from the same verse that just as Purim is in the Adar closest to Nissan in an ordinary year, so is it in a leap year, so that we may connect the redemption of Purim to the redemption from Egypt.

We thus find that according to R. Shimon b. Gamaliel, whose opinion we follow, Purim during a leap year is celebrated during the second Adar. [See the fine work of R. Dov Aaron Brisman, Rav of Philadelphia, in his Responsa Shalmei Chova, Yoreh De'ah, Responsum 94, where he discusses this matter in great detail.]

We are left with one matter to which we do not have a clear answer – the candle we light on the yahrzeit. We do this because of the verse (Mishlei 20:27), “Ner Hashem nishmat adam – The candle of Hashem is the soul of man.” The Magen Avraham, the Taz, and the Ba’er Heitev to Orach Chayyim (Hilchot Shabbat 261) would allow one to ask a gentile at “bein ha’shemashot” (dusk) on a Friday evening to light this candle in the event one forgot, as the yahrzeit candle on the yahrzeit of one’s father or mother is an important requirement, similar to the Shabbat candles.

The above scenario applies to the first Adar. But what if this situation occurs during the second Adar? Is this day only commemorated by reciting Kaddish, or is the lighting of the candle also included? There is no clear answer.

In summation, the general rule is that the first Adar is the yahrzeit for one who dies in Adar of a non-leap year, and on that day all yahrzeit precedence belongs to the person observing the yahrzeit. However, Kaddish is said on that day in the second Adar as well, but there is no precedence over one who has an actual yahrzeit on that day.

Let us hope that this month will be a true zeman geula, a time of redemption, as we connect the redemption of Purim to the redemption of Pesach, and herald a time of true peace and prosperity for our people.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/judaism/ask-the-rabbi/q-a-yahrzeit-and-the-two-adars-conclusion/2005/03/09/

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