Having spent countless hours over the past three years working to improve the world of shidduchim, including moderating an online message board with thousands of postings, I’ve been exposed to the gamut of ideas and viewpoints on the many related issues. Not surprisingly, some of these ideas and viewpoints are illogical, erroneous, and even preposterous. Here is a sampling of myths and misconceptions that have become widely accepted as facts throughout observant Jewry.
1. Singles are getting married too young. / Singles are waiting too long to get married.
Depending on whom you ask, one of the above statements is a major part of what’s wrong with today’s world of shidduchim. Both statements have an element of truth to them, but neither can be applied across the board.
In general, it is preferable for people to marry younger rather than older. The Gemara and halachic literature are replete with adjurations for singles, particularly men, to marry young. The Gemara warns that a man who does not marry by the age of twenty will struggle all his days with impure thoughts (Kiddushin 29B).
It is a blessing for people to get married young so that they can live to see many generations of descendants (see Eicha Rabba 1:2, where being a grandparent at the age of 26 is held to be the fulfillment of a blessing in Tehillim). Even in terms of building a relationship, it is ideal for people to marry while in their formative years, so that they can begin growing with their spouse before becoming too set in their ways.
This is not to suggest that everyone is ready to get married by the age of 19 or 20. There is no universal magic number. Pressuring singles to marry by a certain age has already led to many unsuccessful marriages. (I fear the number of divorces will continue to increase exponentially, leading to thousands of 20-something divorcees. I only hope I’m wrong.)
Conversely, advising singles to wait until a certain age can unnecessarily delay the essential benefits of marriage and complicate the search when it belatedly begins – after all, singles don’t become more appealing with age.
It is foolhardy, if not prohibited, for a man to get married when he has no conceivable means of supporting a family. The Gemara writes, ased on pesukim in Parshas Shoftim and Mishlei, that it is derech eretz for a man to acquire a place to live and the means to a livelihood before taking a wife (Sotah 44A).
The Rambam further writes that ba’alei de’ah, possessors of knowledge, proceed in this fashion, “but a fool first marries a woman, afterwards acquires a place to live if he can afford it, and still afterwards at the end of his days seeks a trade or receives support from charity. And so it says by the curses, ‘You will marry a womanyou will build a houseyou will plant a vineyard,’ meaning that your actions will be backward so that you will not be successful” (Hilchos De’os 5:11).
Likewise, it is the epitome of recklessness for a woman to get married merely because “all her friends are getting married.” Is getting married at 19 for social reasons worth the increased likelihood of getting divorced at 21 or having a miserable life? Someone who does not appreciate the awesome responsibility of marriage, or whose greatest impetus for getting married has nothing to do with the wonderful benefits of marriage, is totally unprepared to graduate to this phase of life.
