The most important reason to sign a prenup is that such agreements will not succeed in wiping out the plague of aginut until and unless they become standard practice.Rabbis cannot single out only those couples whose chances they deem shaky to suggest that they sign the agreement. That would only increase the stigma associated with signing it. Rather, every couple should be encouraged to sign one so that doing so becomes as unremarkable as choosing a band or hiring a caterer. Each couple that signs a prenup is doing their part to make that happen. As Malka put it, “Those who don’t need it have to sign it for those who do.”
The prenup is not a panacea. Some men who sign the agreement may still go to their graves without giving a get. But for many others – those with their sanity intact and a pragmatic approach to their finances – the prenup may help. It certainly will not hurt. In a sense, a prenup is an insurance policy. Just as people take out insurance hoping never to need it, they should sign a prenup with every intention of spending the rest of their lives together.
Although several leading rabbinic authorities advocate the use of prenuptial agreements, the document has yet to become a normative part of the Jewish wedding canon. (Interestingly, Rabbi Saul Berman has suggested replacing the tena’im, a document with little relevance today, with the prenuptial agreement.)
One of the guiding lights in this area is Rabbi Mordechai Willig, a rosh yeshiva at Yeshiva University’s Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary(REITS), who developed the prenuptial agreement in widest use. In 1999, ten of his colleagues at REITS joined him in signing a resolution urging every couple to execute a prenup. The Orthodox Caucus has staunchly promoted the idea. And the Rabbinical Council of America (RCA) has endorsed Rabbi Willig’s text and called upon all of its members to utilize it for any marriages at which they officiate. All rabbis – right-wing and left, pulpit rabbis and roshei yeshiva – should heed this call.
There is something else we can do prevent the devastation that occurs when a marriage breaks down. It involves fortifying the foundation of the relationship at the very outset of the union. This was Malka’s second piece of advice to us: Go for premarital counseling. Malka suggested that we make time for a few sessions before the wedding, and she recommended a frum therapist who specializes in this type of work.
Premarital counseling is performed in other faiths, and some rabbis conduct pre-wedding sessions with couples for whom they will be officiating. But in Orthodox circles, the practice is far from common. Here again, engaged couples may balk at the idea of admitting that their marriage is not guaranteed for life. “What’s wrong with our relationship? Only people who have problems need a therapist. Anyway, we love each other so much, so we’ll be fine.” But as the divorce rate in our community continues to grow, it’s high time that we do something to stop problems before they start. People often joke that it’s easy to be a bad parent because children don’t come with instructions. Spouses don’t come with instructions either, and without the tools to communicate with each other, avoid arguments, and handle conflict when it does arise, we are walking an unlighted path.
The engagement period is a hectic time, and couples are hard-pressed to fit any more obligations into their schedules. Yet by making time for even two or three sessions, the bride and groom signal to each other that the success of the marriage is their highest priority. These sessions can help them learn how to live in harmony despite their differences and how to grow because of them. At the same time, the couple can address any issues they may already be facing. An added benefit of premarital counseling is that it neutralizes the idea of going for help, so that if problems arise later, the couple can feel more comfortable seeking professional guidance.