From time to time I am approached by a divorced parent who asks if I would publicize in The Jewish Press the nasty custody case in which he or she is embroiled. These individuals want the world to know how they have been abused, maligned, ignored, threatened, financially milked and ruined by corrupt, bought-off, unscrupulous, incompetent, unsympathetic judges, batei din, attorneys, social services, school officials and rabbis in New York, Toronto, Los Angeles, Chicago, Bnei Bark, Jerusalem, Johannesburg, London, Brussels, etc.
They pour out their heartfelt tales of woe and anger and hopelessness. Whether their version of the story would be viewed the same way by an impartial bystander is irrelevant. Their desperation and despair, and their anxious belief that they are trapped in a seemingly unending nightmare, is to them all too real.
Which is why it cannot be said emphatically enough that couples who feel their marriage is unsalvageable should at least salvage their divorce. In other words, couples on the brink must attempt to work out – in advance of the break-up – any potential post-marriage issues (custody, visitation division of mutual assets, etc.) themselves.
A few words of wisdom to each and every man and woman facing the reality of a divorce: Don’t allow your life and those of your children to be hijacked by outsiders – i.e., the officers of a secular or religious court – in the misguided belief, fueled by anger or greed or a vindictive desire to punish, that you will come out ahead. You, not your spouse, may well turn out to be the big-time loser, both financially and emotionally.
There’s no polite way to say this: If you think even for a moment that the court will take what you say at face value and give you everything you ask for, you’re as big a fool as a moth heading straight toward a burning light bulb.
When divorcing couples “out-source” the adjudication of their major disputes, they essentially give up the freedom and entitlement to make decisions on their children and assets. They effectively hand over their right to determine the course of their personal lives to total strangers – people who the day before didn’t even know they existed. These strangers – for the most part indifferent and with their own ingrained biases – will make life-altering decisions for them, and either parent risks serious censor and punishment if he or she won’t comply with those decisions.
When you take your dispute to court you are effectively saying, “Your Honor, you don’t know me or my family from Adam, but I am going to let you and the officers of the court (lawyers, court-appointed psychologists, advisers) dictate if my kids will be living with me – and if not, when I will be able to see them. If I don’t follow your orders exactly – if I try to see my son on Shabbat instead of Wednesday – you can find me in contempt and jail me. And for all this I will end up paying a fortune, using up my savings and even going into debt or borrowing from everyone I know.
I am reminded of a true story regarding a young frum mother who was mired in a vicious custody fight over her children, all under the age of six. The judge appointed a woman to do home visits when the kids were with their mother and when they were with their father. Her job was to watch the children’s interactions with each parent and with each other and give her “expert” opinion on whom she thought the children would be better off with.