In the Eishes Chayil (Woman of Valor) ballad where our wives are serenaded before Friday night kiddush, we praise them that they are tzofiah halichos beisa, they oversee the ways of their home. Even stronger are the words in Mishlei: “Chachmas [nashim] bansah bauysah – The wisdom [of a woman] builds her home.”
The Gemara sites as an example of this, the wife of Ohn ben Peles who, with her chochma, saved her husband from the hellish fate of Korach and his cohorts. She told him that he had nothing to gain with a fight against Moshe; indeed, either way he would remain a follower. He acknowledged that she was correct, but he responded that he had already given them his pledge and that, as a Jew, he couldn’t break his word. She told him, “Leave that to me,” and she plied him with strong wine until he fell into a slumber.
Then, she went outside of their tent and made herself immodest and, when some of Korach’s men came to collect Ohn, they gave the tent a wide berth since they saw an immodest woman on the doorstep. She thus saved her husband from certain death, living up to the very first praise in Eishes Chayil, “Batach bah leiv ba’alah,” the husband of a Woman of Valor knows that he can always count on his wife, that she ‘always has his back.’ When we go under the chuppah, we’re making a lifelong statement that from now on, “You, my spouse, are the most important person in my life.”
In Parshas Shelach, the meraglim declared, “Lo nuchal la’alos el ha’am ki chazak hu mimenu – We cannot go up against these people for they are stronger than we are.” Rav Moshe Feinstein, zt”l, zy”a, wondered how it was possible, after the ten plagues that ravaged Egypt, the remarkable splitting of the Red Sea which killed nine million Egyptians in just four hours and was accompanied with 250 miracles at the sea, to think that with Hashem’s help they would not be able to go up against the Canaanites.
Rav Moshe answered with a fundamental principle. He explained that the Jews worshiped idolatry for at least 117 years in Egypt. Then they saw flashes of fireworks, the plagues, the miracles at the Yam Suf and, through these momentary revelations, they believed in Hashem. However, concluded Rav Moshe, belief built on brief moments of divine fireworks is very often short-lived. To build lasting emunah takes years of effort from parents, rabbei’im, moros, and personal study, so that a deepening emunah should take root in one’s soul. It takes successive Pesach transmissions from father to son, mother to daughter, many Succos experiences, and so forth.
It is the same with marriage. The attitude that one knows that “you’ve got my back” isn’t born overnight. It’s achieved with a persistent series of small acts and gestures where husband and wife demonstrate that “you are first in my book.” It means getting off the phone quickly to greet your spouse when they arrive home after a long day. It means not multitasking when you spend time with your spouse. It means always answering the phone when your spouse is calling, rather than letting it go to voicemail because you’re not in the mood. And, when you answer the phone, it should be with a cultivated tenderness and not with an annoyed voice born from familiarity! It means that when you’re together, you put the cellphone away and give them your full attention.
When you have good news, share it with your spouse first. I once heard of an unfortunate incident. A young wife took an EPT test and was so excited when it was positive that she called her best friend, exclaiming, “I’m pregnant!” The best friend’s husband happened to be home at the time, heard her scream and asked, “What’s up?” She said excitedly, “Suri is pregnant!” The man, who was friendly with Suri’s husband, called him up to congratulate him, causing an unfortunate consequence that the husband first heard about his future baby from his wife’s friend’s husband instead of directly from his own wife. So again, always share good news with your spouse first.
Under the chuppah, the wife goes around the husband seven times. This is to declare that from then on, he becomes the center of her universe. Likewise, the husband commits himself to the kesubah, pledging that he will cherish her more than everyone else. In so doing, each one should make sure to give prime-time during the day to their partner. Not just mere leftovers and crumbs. Remember, the best presents you can give to your loved one is more of your presence.
Another way to make your spouse feel special is through the unique marital allowance of physical affection. There is great truth in the adage, “Touch says what words often can’t.”
I’ll never forget: a woman once told me that her husband was a fine individual but, if she got sick, he was worse than useless. She complained that when the chips were down, she wasn’t able to count on him. While of course she was right, this situation is not unusual. Marital relationships are very reciprocal. Usually, this woman was sweet and patient, so her husband reacted in kind. However, when she was unwell, she became cranky and irritable. Thus, her husband mirrored that behavior, which was a failure on his part. This is one of the basic challenges of marriage. It is precisely why the second praise of the Woman of Valor is, “Gemalas’hu tov v’lo ra, kol yamei chayeha – She reciprocates good, but never bad, all the days of her life.”
A mate who wants to excel at putting their partner first will staunchly defend their partner’s honor in all situations. This is especially important when raising children. If a child is chutzpadik to your partner in your presence, you must immediately react like a tiger in your partner’s defense. This behavior will serve your children well when they get married. This is even more important if you are in a second marriage. If your children are giving your new spouse a hard time, although they might be grieving for a lost parent, you must fiercely put down such disrespect and remind them that it is biblically incumbent upon them to act with honor and respect toward your new spouse.
The word for marital joy is sas. This word is a palindrome because, as I explained, the marital relationship is indeed reciprocal. In the merit of putting our spouse first, we should be zoche that they treat us in kind and we should be both blessed with long life, good health, and everything wonderful.
Transcribed and edited by Shelley Zeitlin.
