Photo Credit: Jewish Press

Dear Mrs. Bluth,

I’ll cut to the chase and begin by telling you I married the wrong man. You may be wondering why, after so many years of marriage, I should now be writing to you about this, somehow the time never seemed right. Now, too many things have changed that makes this horrible life choice, such a glaring mistake. Now it involves my children who are suffering from my mistake.

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My home has become a war zone, there’s always yelling and screaming that will ultimately end with my husband beating up my fourteen-year-old son for disputing him, throwing things at my three girls who stand up for me when the fight is about my husband’s complaint that I’m an inadequate wife and mother. If I try to intercede in any way to protect them, he goes into a blinding rage and has thrown heavy projectiles at me., I cringe and keep myself invisible. Because of this, my children have come to resent me as well, because I allow him to do this to US.

My girls are ashamed to bring friends home, to witness the awful language and brutal mannerisms, that they see on a daily basis. My son will often run out of the house when these tirades erupt, escaping to my parents’ home several blocks away. My parents are aware of what we are living with, but they can do little to help me. Mostly, they are a buffer for the children, supplying a safe haven for them when home becomes a hot zone.

On top of all of this, I have taken to thinking about the man I was almost engaged to. Gil, by comparison, was sweet, good-hearted and loving. I had grown up with him and it would have been no surprise if we had gotten engaged, in fact, everyone who knew me was in shock when I got engaged to Abie instead. I don’t know why I fell for Abie, maybe it was the fact that he was so very different from Gil, a take-charge kind of guy who was worldly with a great job and lots of friends. I was so young and blinded by his good looks and flashy life. A few months after we married, the snake charmer turned into the snake.

Now here I sit, daydreaming about the life I could have had with Gil, a tranquil, loving home with happy, well-adjusted children and a husband who adored me, respected me and would do anything for us. My guilt is enormous. I am at a loss for what to do, how to ease the stress we are all living under and the only respite I have are my daydreams of what could have been, had I just chosen differently those many years ago.

 

 

Dear Friend,

Day dreams are nice when it’s snowing outside and you’d like to escape to Bermuda or Miami Beach, where it’s warm and tranquil, but that’s not what you’re doing. You are trying to pretend about a life that isn’t, at the expense of taking action and doing what you need to help yourself and your children, who are being victimized by the brute you DID marry. No amount of day dreaming will remedy the situation that currently exists for all of you. Stop beating yourself up about the ‘mistake’ you made and start doing something about remedying this situation.

First and foremost, alluding to your description of Abie, he shows all the signs of an abuser, needing to control everything and everyone in his domain, displaying severe anger issues and is physically abusive. Don’t wait for things to get better on their own, they will not. Don’t wait for him to change miraculously on his own, left to his own devices, he will only get worse over time and do greater harm, to either you or your children. He definitely needs mental help for the multitude of issues aforementioned, and you and your children need intensive therapy in order to de-normalize what you are living through and to offer corrective and curative thought processes to replace the demoralizing, destructive ones you now experience and will give you and the children hope for a functional life where anger, violence and verbal and physical abuse have no place but are replaced with love, respect and caring for yourselves and each other .

I am enclosing names and numbers of authorities who will be able to assist you in this process. Be aware that you must report your husband to the police should he lift a hand against you or the kids! To this end I will put you in touch with professional, legal and criminal agencies to meet any eventuality and any need. I would strongly advise you to leave your home with the kids because it is not safe for you to stay there, especially when any moment may put Abie over the edge. If you need a place to stay I will put you in touch with agencies that can provide you and your children shelter. I don’t think your parents who live close by are a consideration in this case, it may be putting them in danger as well. I am also enclosing my phone number should you want to talk.

Please take this seriously there’s no time to waist! Coulda, shoulda won’t do it! Day dreaming is futility. Instead, you need to find the strength to become pro-active for you and your children’s safe and healthy future, whatever that may be. I, along with the many organizations and legal avenues available to help you achieve this, are standing by.

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