Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I look forward to your column every week because it is as if you’re always speaking to me and your timely advice often saves me much heartache and disappointment. I now find myself needing your help, not for me, but for my sister. She is married to a very difficult man who must always have things his way and exactly as he wants it. My whole family saw the handwriting on the wall when they first married, but didn’t say anything that would further upset the marriage because she loved him and was already pregnant. But things got progressively worse over the years. Now it is thirteen years and six children later and it has become impossible.
I have tried to talk to her and even offered to pay for her to see a therapist to help her see the inevitable, but she refuses because she doesn’t want to have her children stigmatized that they have a rashah for a father and that he doesn’t love them or her, only himself.
What she doesn’t see is that the kids are already damaged by his dictatorial, selfish and often cruel treatment of them. The older ones have terribly low self-esteem because he has drummed into them that they will never amount to anything and the younger ones cower in fear when he yells at them. They seldom smile, Mrs. Bluth. I have rarely heard them laugh or sing, or seen them happy.
I don’t want to think about the possibility of physical abuse he may be inflicting, because I have never seen it with my own eyes. However, these children have a deep fear of their father so these thoughts have crossed my mind. When I spoke to my sister about it, she told me to stop trying to fix her life, that this year due to the pandemic, things just seem to look worse, but that her children are fine, she is fine, so butt out.
But I can’t. Is she right to tell me I’m wrong? That everything is as it should be?
Dear Friend,
This has been an awful, trying and life-changing year, but to me devastating issues cannot be blamed on the coronavirus, especially if they preceded it. Not having spoken to your sister to hear her account, but only the view from your corner, I would have to concur with you that all is not as it should be. Of course, being emotionally involved, you see things in a way that is darkly colored because you love your sister, nieces and nephews and can’t bear to stand on the outside looking in and not being able to ‘fix’ it.
From years of experience I can tell you that you cannot force a person to do what they don’t want to do, because of fear or embarrassment, or simply because they don’t have the stamina or strength to change that which affects or afflicts them. However, when there are children involved who are defenseless and suffer in silence because there is no one to protect or defend them, that’s a whole other thing. And you have an absolute responsibility to make your concerns known.
Children are the silent victims of abuse and neglect and often they reside in homes that, to the outside world, appear to be solid, stable and structured. Many abusive homes hide under a blanket of normalcy, which is a cover-up to discourage what really goes on. It is often a teacher or caregiver outside the home that will spot something in the way the child behaves or if there are marks or bruises on the child to explain away, and it is up to that individual to get involved. Better to be wrong about it than to turn a blind eye. Just so you understand, the abuse may not always leave physical marks. Most abuse is emotional and those scars never heal but grow with the child into adulthood, leaving damage far greater than belt marks and black eyes.
Please get to your sister and show her my response. She must find the courage to do what is best for her children and ultimately, best for herself. Children should not have to fear their parents, they should be able to laugh and play and are entitled to love, protection and safety. If she can’t provide that for them because she fears her husband, or is embarrassed at what people will say, then tell her that you and I will step in to immediately rectify the situation.
There are many organizations and individuals who will help in the after-process to bring safety and stability and healing to your family but immediate action is warranted here and I ask you to let me know whether she’s ready and able to protect her children and herself. Hatzlacha rabbah.