Dear Dating Coach,
I went to the right schools, worked hard to excel in all areas, and I have a wonderful family that is well-known in our community. I take care of myself and am often told that I am pretty. I do my best to be kind, to volunteer, and to do chesed. I say this not to, G-d forbid, brag, but to give you a better understanding of my question. I believe I would be considered a “top girl” in our circles. With that being said, as soon as I was back from Israel, shadchanim called with suggestions for wonderful boys from similar backgrounds, and I started to date. But three years later, I was still single, despite my best efforts to better myself spiritually and practically, and with the definite intention to connect to those I have dated.
Recently, I was suggested to an amazing guy. Everyone gushed about him. His talents, his middos, his learning, and his personality. There was just one catch. He was from an unusual background that would definitely not be considered “prestigious” in my circles. Without getting into specifics, his family is largely dysfunctional and his last name is not “impressive.” Still, because we had heard such beautiful things, we decided I would at least go out on one date. Well, here we are, many dates later, and he is amazing. I think we are a perfect match, and I like every single thing about him. Everything, that is, except for his family background. I know that when people hear that we are engaged, there will be those that are surprised that my family chose his. That I chose him. Even though he is terrific, his family and his background are still his, and in my world, this matters A LOT to people. How can I mitigate what people say or how to manage their reactions so it doesn’t affect my upcoming simcha? Your advice is very much appreciated.
Judged
Dear Judged,
Every day we remind ourselves of how, as a nation, we were once praised for the way we set up our tents in the midbar. We placed each one just so, so that doors and windows did not face our neighbors. We valued privacy and held our accomplishments close. Today, we live in an Instagram world, where we are constantly encouraged to look outward. We are conditioned to gauge our lives against those who pretend to glitter and shine so that we “like” them and offer them praise and validation. We forget to look in the mirror to acknowledge our beauty and successes, and instead, open every window to let in our failures and disappointments. We measure every gift we have been blessed with against those who vie for our views. Their children are prettier. More well-behaved. They are richer, smarter, more patient, more organized, more talented. They are “more.” We rebuke ourselves for our shortcomings and do our best to emulate those whose snapshots and carefully filmed and refilmed reels tell us that they have succeeded. We must become skinnier, we must dress better, and we must redo our homes to become better people. We disregard their carefully curated spaces rented for optimal viewing, their delicately placed lighting, and their determination to capture angles that distort the truth. We ignore the falsehood we know exists behind every photo, because we are desperate to live up to the impossible. We want to be liked by those we don’t know, and we want to be appreciated by people who don’t matter.
I am so glad you reached out. I hear you completely. And you are right. For generations, we have been vulnerable to what people whispered and gossiped about. Everyone is susceptible to wanting a shidduch that is notable and admirable. But today, we have taken this too far. We live our lives by what others think and what they might say. When in actuality, we are merely a timed headline: interesting today and gone tomorrow. Instead, look inward at the bracha you have been given; a gem that you know is perfect for you. Picture the future where you are blessed with children, with mazel, and with a marriage that is healthy and good. Focus on your happiness and remember that this is real and this is true. Listen to the opinions of those who love you and of those that you respect. This is not always easy. But when you refuse to measure REAL blessings by the purported blessings, opinions and REELS of the masses, you are only hurting yourself. Look inward and celebrate real everlasting joy. Look in the mirror, and close the window.
