Dear Dr. Yael:
A number of your recent columns mentioned the theory of “Love Languages.” I have read Gary Chapman’s book and thought it was great. I also found the “Words of Affirmation” debate in your column enjoyable. I know that each love language depicts giving in a different fashion and that all are important for a relationship.
To be honest, “Words of Affirmation” is the love language that neither my husband nor I are very good at. This poses a problem for our marriage, but more importantly to the chinuch of our children, who I know need loving, supportive words and actions to make them into strong, confident, and healthy adults.
So why is this love language so hard to give to each other and to our children? I really think it is because we are both grandchildren of Holocaust survivors. Yes, I said grandchildren. We are in our 30’s and yet Hitler, yimach shemo, still affects our lives.
Let me tell you about our family histories. All four sets of our grandparents went through gehenom during the war. Which means all eight grandparents had horrific experiences in different camps. Many of them were sole survivors from very large families. So why should this affect us so many years later? Why do we feel that Hitler affects our ability to parent and to have a more loving demonstrative marriage?
Neither my husband nor I saw great marriages. Both of us come from homes that were filled with anxiety and negativity. Compliments were rarely given to either of us or to any of our siblings. Our own parents also grew up in horrible homes. All four of our parents experienced little warmth and love and certainly no compliments or ego boosting. So we have four insecure parents, and from what I have heard, we had eight very fragile and insecure grandparents.
How can you expect people who go through such gehenom to even know how to give warmth and love? The Aryan strive for perfection created a situation where all four of our parents are very hard workers; however, no matter what they did, it was never good enough for our grandparents. And while I am sure my parents tried to raise us differently, this message got transmitted to us, the grandchildren, as well. My husband and I remember feeling frustrated as children, as if nothing we ever did was good enough. We were both good students, but if we got a 95 or even higher, why not 100? There were constant pleas for us to be better, to strive higher. Although our parents wanted the best for us, they did not know how to encourage us in a positive and reassuring manner. Whatever we did, we could have done better and we were both always compared to other people’s children etc.
Baruch Hashem we are both in individual therapy, struggling to change the way we treat each other and our children. At least we are aware of and are trying to stop this negative cycle. Unfortunately, we see our siblings repeating many of our parent’s negative behaviors with their children.
Please Dr. Yael print my letter! We are not alone. Many of our friends, also from Holocaust survivor families, struggle with these same issues. While some of them have embraced the new ideas of parenting and are trying to break the pattern, others unfortunately repeat the parenting techniques that they were raised with.
Please make people aware that even if they are not grandchildren of survivors, they may be perpetuating negative parenting as well. Many grandchildren of American grandparents, who had to survive the “spiritual” challenges and financial depression this country faced during the war years, are also affected by this negativity. These grandchildren may also have serious baggage to deal with from their childhoods and their parents’ childhoods.
Please Dr. Yael, encourage people to seek help to break the negative cycle so that this next generation will be able to give more easily and to receive all the love languages, especially “words of affirmation.” We cannot allow past trauma to affect our lives and our children!
A Reader
Dear Reader,
Thank you for your poignant and important letter. People who have experienced trauma, especially the horrific traumas of the Holocaust, can definitely perpetuate a whole gamut of issues into the next generation. Survivors are amazing people who persevered through the worst times and the most horrible experiences. A lot of survivors suffer from what we call survivor’s guilt, and feel that they are obligated to make up for all that was lost. Unfortunately, this did affect some of the children of Holocaust survivors.
You are correct in what you say about compliments; they were a luxury that many people felt was not warranted. Today, we know more about education and child behavior than ever before and it is commendable that you and your husband realize this is an area you need to improve in and are taking steps to make that happen.
Raising children is probably the most challenging and rewarding job you will ever have. If you are able to help your children build a healthy sense of self and a positive ego, it will be to their advantage. People with positive self-esteem are generally more successful in their personal and professional lives than those with a negative sense of self.
However, sometimes we see the other extreme – where parents who grew up with negativity and a poor self-image do everything for their children and expect nothing in return, because they do not want to repeat their parents’ mistakes. This too is a detriment, as children need expectations to learn how to be successful and to feel good about themselves.
Thank you for taking the first step to stop the negativity in your family. May you be zoche to have much nachas from your children and your marriage. Hatzlocha!
