Dear Dr. Yael,
We enjoy reading your column and thought your readers might appreciate this dvar Torah we heard that connects with psychology.
The reading for Shabbos Shekalim, generally before Rosh Chodesh Adar, deals with our contributions to the Beis HaMikdash. Each person, rich or poor, pays one half shekel for the daily service. Usually we are told to give to Hashem with our entire heart, so why are we confined to giving one half a shekel.
The answer is that we need to be comfortable with our incompleteness, and with the knowledge that no human being can be independent of a group. This same awareness should be what keeps us from discriminating against or distancing from those with disabilities. Only by depositing a coin of partial value do we remind ourselves of what it is to be human, fallible, unsteady, and incomplete. If we are sensitive to others than we can be united as a people who cherishes each of our individual parts.
Baruch Hashem, my husband and I have a loving stable marriage and work on completing each other. Many of our friends do not have this outlook and their marriages are suffering.
I would love to hear your ideas on this subject.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for sharing this beautiful thought. You are correct about its psychological ramifications.
Many people have a deep need to be right and often think that their way is the only way – “It’s my way or the highway,” is a terrible way to be in regards to our spouses, children or even with friends and acquaintances.
When two people see themselves as two parts of a whole coin, they know that they need the other to be complete. That is what you seem to be describing about your own marriage. The bracha you note, is in the efforts that you make to bring the marriage to greater heights and to improve yourselves as individuals.
Big people say, “You were right; bigger people are willing to say, “I was wrong.” None of us are perfect and we need to work together to overcome our flaws.
You are fortunate that your husband and yourself have made it a goal to find completeness within the marriage. As you said, not everyone does. Sometimes there is one partner who truly sees his or herself as incomplete, while the other believes that he or she is perfect and always right. That is a challenging situation for anyone to be in.
In reality people who are very stubborn and think they are perfect, are really insecure people who need to have their way since they feel no real self-control.
It takes confidence to say, “I am wrong.” It takes confidence to improve oneself and understand that seeing ourselves as incomplete is actually a strength.
A healthy person can say, “I am sorry.” A confident person does not always need to have his or way all the time. These types of people are generally healthier and have less stress.
Thank you again. I hope your letter gives people some chizuk. Hatzlocha!