Dear Dr. Yael,
I am married to a woman who always must be right and have her way. She will even jokingly say, ” It’s my way or the highway.” I am really having a hard time. We are a young couple with two children. I do not want to get divorced. I love my wife very much. We have been to several therapists, and we end up speaking together in the session. We embarrass each other and end up fighting during the session. When the session is over, we leave so upset and we both feel the therapy only exacerbates our problem. The therapist then asks for his or her fee. We pay and we end up having a miserable night and sometimes week. We want help. Please advise.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I have written columns on this issue in the past. One of the serious mistakes therapists sometimes make is opening up painful issues and allowing a couple to seriously hurt each other and embarrass each other, therefore only adding salt to an open wound in the marriage.
I believe that initially and perhaps even for the next few sessions, a couple should first see the therapist separately. After the issues are somewhat resolved, the couple can then be seen together. What I often do is see the couple separately by splitting a session and then spending a short time at the end of the session unifying the couple and giving them positive tips on how to improve their marriage.
However, it is crucial that the couple should not leave the session in a state of anger. Instead, it is best to focus on positive things in the marriage and work on the deeper, more problematic issues separately.
We all have fragile egos and respond better to a soft, caring approach. As therapists we must be examples of positive energy. I try to treat my clients as I would want to be treated in therapy. We all need to be praised and get positive feedback.
In life, I tell my clients as well “Treat your spouse as you want to be treated.” This will work wonders in all relationships.
The other issue that troubles me is your wife’s attitude of “It’s my way or the highway.” This can reflect many problems. Is your wife so insecure that she needs everything to go her way? Is she stubborn because she feels out of control? Was she brought up in a home where one of her parents dominated the other? Was she traumatized? Do you give her enough praise and confidence so that everything does not have to be her way?
Please look for a therapist who is nurturing and giving, yet sensitive and bright enough to sort out your issues. Marital therapists can sometimes increase the divorce rate by being rigid, uncaring, and not giving proper attention to the couples they are treating. If you feel the professional you are seeing is not helpful after a few sessions or if you’re leaving therapy more angry and hurt than when you went in, then please try to find another therapist who is a better fit for you and your wife and who does therapy the way I outlined above. Please don’t give up on getting the right help! Hatzlacha with this difficult situation!
