Dear Dating Coach,
I take care of myself and I think I look pretty good. I am looking for a girl who is a “10” and I’m not embarrassed to let everyone know. But everyone keeps telling me my standards are “unrealistic” or that I’m being shallow. I want to marry a beautiful girl. Why is that a bad thing?
I may have had too much free time in my youth, because one day some friends and I found ourselves looking at a cardboard box with excitement. We took the box and decided to decorate it – and we really went to town. (Disclaimer: I possess zero artistic talent. My job was “holding the glue.”) When we were done, we took the box outside and pretended to gush over its contents.
Slowly, and then with more urgency, people started coming over to take a peek inside the box. The more we “oohed and aahed,” the more people rushed to look. Soon, we had a crowd vying to see the treasure inside our precious box. We laughed and laughed, as everyone had a similar reaction: Frustration. Disappointment. Confusion.
Of course they did – the box was empty.
I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you simply forgot two words in your question. I hope you meant to say that you are looking for a girl who is a “10” to you. If, however, I’m wrong and you meant that you are looking for someone whom everyone will agree is the most gorgeous girl that they have ever seen, then buckle up and keep reading.
There is nothing wrong with beauty. It is a gift from G-d like musical ability, a sense of humor, or great intellect. There is nothing wrong with looking for a girl you are attracted to, whom you think looks wonderful, or even one whom everyone would agree is gorgeous. However, when that is priority numero uno, it is time to reevaluate and self-reflect – immediately.
Glitters is Not
A healthy marriage has so many facets, but the underlying foundation must always be based on mutual respect and a shared vision for your present and future together. Having someone beautiful on your arm is nice, but I implore you to push that down the list and replace it with kindness, a great personality, and graciousness. Look for someone who will bolster you when you are down, who will push you to continue growing, and who will bring happiness into your life. Look for someone whom you connect with emotionally, someone who “gets you,” and someone who will be a loving mother to your future children.
Instead of looking for someone whom everyone will agree is beautiful, look for someone you think is beautiful. Let chemistry guide you, instead of the covers of magazines or Photoshopped Instagram accounts. Notice how her smile shines bright, how her face lights up when you speak, and how her eyes really look into yours. This is not idealistic, and this is not unrealistic. This is you making a conscious choice to focus on inner beauty over external beauty.
This also doesn’t mean that your future wife won’t be beautiful; it just means that you are looking for other qualities first. Her internal beauty – her kindness, her love, and her true partnership – will only make her external beauty more apparent to you and to those around you.