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Dear Dr. Yael,

My husband works in a kiruv school where most of the kids seem to come from homes with very permissive parenting. Baruch Hashem our children seem to be doing well, but I wonder what, as they get older, is the best way to discipline them. I know that you are against hitting, but what if kids need to know that you are the boss? I am not sure what your stance is on parenting exactly but I know most therapists seem to go for the “permissive way.”

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Please respond as I respect you very much and I love your column.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Any extreme in parenting can create dangerous outcomes. It’s important to make sure that you give your kids a lot of love, but at the same time you must create logical rules and consequences if they are not followed. It’s also imperative to teach your kids boundaries. Kids say they want to do whatever they want, and will often argue when you say “No,” but they truly feel safe with there are rules and boundaries in place at home. Kids who have no rules and boundaries often grow up to be insecure and anxious adults. On the flip side, when parents are too rigid and strict and do not give their children love and positive reinforcement, they also often grow up to be insecure and rebel.

Of course, there are exceptions to every rule and some kids are resilient and are able to form a positive sense of self regardless of the way in which they were parented. However, for the most part, parenting generally plays a large role in how children will develop.

One of the most well-known research studies on parenting was done by psychologist Diana Baumrind in the early 1960’s.  She conducted a study on more than 100 preschool-age children (Baumrind, 1967). Using naturalistic observation (observation of children in their natural settings), parental interviews, and other research methods, she identified four significant dimensions of parenting: disciplinary strategies, warmth and nurturance, communication styles, and expectations of maturity and control.

Based on these dimensions, Baumrind found that the majority of parents display one of three different parenting styles.  Maccoby and Martin expanded on Baumrind’s research and added a fourth parenting style in 1983. The Four Parenting Styles are Authoritarian Parenting, Authoritative Parenting, Permissive Parenting, and Uninvolved Parenting.

In Authoritarian Parenting, children are expected to follow strict rules that are established by their parents.  If these rules are not followed, the children are punished. No explanations are given and if children ask for one, these parents may say, “Because I said so!” These parents have high demands, but they do not respond to their children’s needs readily and sympathetically.  According to Baumrind, these parents “are obedience- and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation” (1991). Children of Authoritarian Parenting were generally obedient and proficient, but they ranked lower in happiness, social competence and self-esteem.

In Authoritative Parenting, rules and guidelines are established for children to follow. However, this parenting style is more democratic.  Authoritative parents are more likely to respond to their children’s needs and be sympathetic.  They also allow for questions and try to give reasons for their rules and boundaries.  When children do not meet their expectations, these parents are nurturing and forgiving rather than punishing.

Baumrind suggests that these parents “monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative” (1991). Children of Authoritative Parenting tended to be happy, capable, and successful (Macoby, 1992).

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Dr. Yael Respler is a psychotherapist in private practice who provides marital, dating and family counseling. Dr. Respler also deals with problems relating to marital intimacy. Letters may be emailed to [email protected]. To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887. Dr. Orit Respler-Herman, a child psychologist, co-authors this column and is now in private practice providing complete pychological evaluations as well as child and adolescent therapy. She can be reached at 917-679-1612. Previous columns can be viewed at www.jewishpress.com and archives of Dr. Respler’s radio shows can be found at www.dryaelrespler.com.