Who doesn’t want to be more relaxed, focused, and kind?
I’d argue that most people would be glad to be more of all three. However, in this fast-paced world, sometimes it is hard to simply slow down, which is a prerequisite for those qualities. That’s where Rohan Gunatillake, a meditation entrepreneur, comes in. Rohan created an extremely successful mindfulness app, and also wrote a interesting book for the digital age entitled, Modern Mindfulness: How to Be More Relaxed, Focused, and Kind While Living in a Fast, Digital, Always-On World.
When people hear mindfulness, they often think of meditation. They think of unplugging. They think of staring into space and letting their minds wander. They also think that they have absolutely no time for something like that in their lives. Gunatillake’s book is extremely refreshing because he has three rules for modern mindfulness. In other words, he takes into account that setting aside an hour a day in a quiet room will simply be impossible for most people. Below, I’ve summarized his three rules for the modern meditator.
Rule #1: Make mindfulness first and foremost a mobile activity.
Gunatillake makes a distinction between formal and informal meditation or mindfulness. Formal meditation requires a quiet space and a clear mind. He explains that “Informal meditation practice is what happens when we make the decision to use any activity we happen to be engaged in as the basis for our development of awareness, calm or kindness.” That means that we can live our regular lives mindfully. And, in his book, he provides us with practical examples of how to accomplish that.
Rule #2: Mindfulness should be led by what people want, not by tradition.
In his book, Gunatillake writes that mindfulness “is all about starting with where you are and letting meditation meet you there instead of you having to go out and change before you can even get through the door.” The goal is to go from having your mind full of ideas to being mindful of what you are doing and why you are doing it. Mindfulness need not have religious or traditional implications.
Rule #3: Make technology part of the solution, not the problem.
We often think of technology as the barrier to mindfulness. Gunatillake argues that we need using technology as a tool for mindfulness can actually be helpful, rather than harmful. He states, “The opportunity that mobile mindfulness presents is to move past the binary thinking that our digital technology is either on or off, or that it’s either a force for good or all that is wrong with the world. The opportunity is to change our relationship with our digital lives entirely. To use the power of technology to power our inner lives.”
Mindfulness and Parenting
How does mindfulness connect to our parenting practice? Drs. Shauna Shapiro and Chris White collaborated on a parenting book entitled Mindful Discipline: A Loving Approach to Setting Limits and Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. In their book Shapiro and White outline ways to help your child grow and also ways to learn from your mistakes. After all, we don’t want to turn around and see realize that our children have all grown up without love, guidance, and support.
One of the key tenets of the book is that children need five things from their parents in order to have a healthy relationship:
Unconditional love. The first step of a healthy parent-child relationship is that a child needs to know that he is loved, and that this love will not be taken away. When our children feel this unconditional love, they understand the very best of them comes out. They feel comfortable being themselves because they know that they will be accepted no matter what.
Space. Unconditional love gives children the space to be themselves. They retain a basic trust in the world and sense of their inherent value as human beings. When they feel protected and safe, they are able to explore and engage in the world creatively. This allows them to gain an increasing sense of responsibility over themselves.
Mentorship. Through direct instruction and our behavior as role models, we teach our children skills that are applicable to their everyday lives. At times, as parents, we might cultivate generalized capacities such as middos or courage, but at others, we might teach how to tie shoes and brush teeth. Giving your children the ability to take care of themselves and thrive is the essence of parenting.
Healthy boundaries. Often parents think that in order to preserve their loving connection with their children (based on unconditional love), they cannot set strong limits and boundaries. Shapiro and White argue that this is not accurate. When we offer our children strong clear boundaries, we create a sense of safety. We also indicate unequivocally who is the parent and who is the child. While there are times where we might let the child lead, in the broad sense, children need to know that the parent is taking care of them. Shapiro and White call this a “loving hierarchy.”
This loving hierarchy is a balance between authoritarian parenting (“I am always in charge. You will do as I say. Because I said so”) and permissive parenting (“Dinner is whatever you can find in the fridge. Don’t wake me when you get home. Oh, you had a test in school today?”). A loving hierarchy allows your child to know that he is loved for and taken care of and therefore has limits, but also gives him space to occasionally take the reigns himself.
Mistakes. Shapiro and White actually spell the word as “mis-takes” in their book. They use that spelling to signify that these are “missed takes” or times that we missed the mark and need to redirect. Rather than seeing these as errors, we can see them as ways to allow ourselves to recognize our vulnerabilities and improve our parenting.