“No! I won’t put my shoes on,” Nachi yelled as his mother pulled on her own jacket.
“Nachi, we talked about this before. You are five years old and you need to put your shoes on yourself,” Penina sighed. She could tell by Nachi’s body language that this tantrum was going to be a long one. He was already sprawled on the floor, his hands tightly balled into fists.
“I can’t. I don’t remember how,” Nachi whined.
Penina knew this was not true. Nachi had been putting on his own shoes since he was two. Today, he just didn’t want to cooperate.
“Well, Nachi, if you don’t know how to put your shoes on, then we won’t be able to go to your friend’s birthday party. We can’t go outside without shoes on.”
“Yes, I can. My teacher told me that Native Americans didn’t wear shoes and they walked outside. I can be a Native American.”
“You are not a Native American. Nachi, get your shoes on or else we are not leaving this house,” Penina said, her voice rising. Just then, the baby starting to cry. He was all bundled up in his jacket and wanted to get out of the house already.
“No. I’m not leaving. I can’t put my shoes on,” Nachi wailed. And with that, the full tantrum began. Nachi rolled around on the floor and banged his hands on the table leg. Every now and then, he would yell, “Mommy, I can’t put my shoes on.” And then, he would continue his screaming.
Penina knew this was not going to end any time soon, so she went over to the baby and unzipped his jacket. They would all have to wait until Nachi tired himself out.
***
Every child occasionally has a meltdown regardless of their age or natural disposition. While the roots of these tantrums might differ, these fits of rage and temper often affect the whole family. The way you respond to the meltdowns can influence their future recurrence and their long-lasting effects on your family. Before I talk about positive parental responses to tantrums, I would like to outline several different types of meltdowns that children might experience.
Power Struggles
When your child is of preschool age, like Nachi above, he has very few ways of controlling his environment. He is told when to eat, what time school starts, what pajamas he should wear, and even who his playmates will be. As he develops as an independent individual, he needs to find ways to assert himself. One way that he can try to gain control is through throwing fits.
These meltdowns could be in response to multiple stimuli: food, clothing, teeth brushing, or buckling seatbelts. The trigger is not relevant, rather it is the idea of control that is most important to the child. Your child understands that the technique he can use to get his own way is through making you uncomfortable. Obviously, the more you give in to the tantrums, the more they will occur. If he accomplishes what he wants, then he will feel in control. And what’s his weapon of control? His fits and your discomfort.
What You Can Do:
- Don’t give in. The worst thing you can do when your child is throwing a fit is to give into the fit. This includes yelling back. Remaining calm will show your child that he will not get what he wants simply by having a meltdown.
- Reinforce consequences. Once your child is calm, ask him what he accomplished by having a fit. Did he get what he wanted? Chances are, he lost something. Perhaps, like Nachi, he is going to be late to his friend’s birthday party or perhaps he won’t be able to bake challahs for Shabbos with you anymore. Point out the negative consequences of his actions.
- Avoid triggers. You might know that your son gets particularly worked up when you go through the candy aisle of the supermarket. Don’t pass that way when you are with your son, you are simply asking for a breakdown.
- Emphasize rest and nutrition. Children will often have meltdowns when they are tired or hungry. Paying attention to the times of the day that meltdowns occur and giving a snack or nap will greatly reduce tantrums.
Homework Horrors
Children who are school age will occasionally feel completely overwhelmed and exhausted by their homework. They might throw their book bags or rip out pages of their notebooks. Alternatively, they might simply cry about how they just cannot do their assignment. If these meltdowns occur every now and then, this is normal and a symptom of our pressurized school systems. However, if these meltdowns happen on a consistent basis, there is something larger at play.
What You Can Do:
- Regular routine. If your child does his homework at the same time and in the same place every day, he will be more likely to feel in control and at peace. Set aside a separate area and time for homework nightly.
- Sleep. Children who do not get enough sleep will not be able to concentrate and will therefore be more prone to being overwhelmed by homework.
- Get tested. If your child is struggling with work on his grade level, consider having him evaluated. He might be having meltdowns because a learning disability is preventing him from comprehending the assignment.
Sensory Strife
Children with sensory processing disorder (SPD) can be easily over-stimulated. When they feel overwhelmed, their senses can go into overdrive – every sound, smell, or touch can drive them up the wall. Sometimes, when children with SPD feel over-stimulated, they will respond to the stimuli by attacking what they feel is attacking them. This can mean that they will scream or hit in an effort to make the sensory bombardment stop.
What You Can Do:
- Remove offending stimuli. Pay attention to what triggers over-stimulation in your child and make an attempt to lessen those stimuli in your child’s environment.
- Add positive stimuli. There are bound to be sensory experiences that your child appreciates and enjoys. Try to fill your house with those positive stimuli.
- Remove guilt and shame. After a sensory meltdown, your child will often feel guilt or shame because of the way he acted. Be sure to remove these from your tone and conversation. Unlike children without SPD, a child with sensory processing disorder cannot always completely control their reactions.
Meltdowns are never fun – especially when you are out of the house and your child throws a fit that can be heard in the next zip code! Depending on the circumstances, your reaction to these fits can greatly reduce them in the future. Just remember: always take a minute to cool yourself down – one meltdown is more than enough!