Word Prompt – MUSSAR – Ruchi Koval

Mussar? It depends if you ask my frum friends or my non-frum friends (who learn mussar with me).

Frum friends word association: mussar = scary, my principal, I did something wrong, I’m in trouble. Non-frum friends word association: character development, kindness, patience, forgiveness, giving the benefit of the doubt.

Who’s right? Both, of course. The first is the mussar you get from others; the second is the mussar you give yourself. The first is mussar as a weapon and the second is mussar as a kiddush Hashem. The first is usually mussar done wrong; the second is mussar done right. How do I know? Because mussar that helps you grow is the right kind of mussar. And mussar that sends you running for the hills is the wrong kind of mussar.

Shlomo HaMelech says (Mishlei 1:8): “Listen, my son, to the mussar of your father, and do not forsake the Torah of your mother.” If the mussar is too harsh, not delivered with kindness and respect, and not customized for your audience, it will not be heeded.

That’s what parents and teachers have to understand about giving mussar. Because really? Everyone should be giving the answers my non-frum friends give.