Dear Mrs. Bluth,
Thank goodness this Passover is over! Had it lasted one more day I would have surely packed up and left with or without my husband. At this point, it makes little difference to me whether he comes with me or not as it seems he has difficulty choosing who he wishes to live with, his parents or me. I know this sounds harsh and juvenile, however I have been through the worst two weeks I have ever experienced at the hands of his horrible family and, right now, I really don’t care if we get divorced as it appears this is what the rest of my married life is looking like.
This is a second marriage for both of us and we are both in our mid-thirties. My first marriage was a terrible mistake. I had fallen in love with my kindred spirit at the young age of nineteen and he, twenty-five. We were never really on the same page on what each of us wanted from life. He, wanting a housewife at his beck and call when he came home from the office, and I, wanting to spread my wings and achieve my goal of making my mark in the business world. We never discussed having children, had we done this he would have been surprised to learn I had no thought of having any before I had accomplished my dream of becoming a name in the world of fashion and design. The many differences in our worlds caused us to part and divorce after five years of fighting and frustration.
When I was thirty-two I finally got my dream job in an up and coming woman’s fashion company. My parents had long ago given up on any hopes of my meeting anyone suitable for me that fit in with my conservative Jewish upbringing and were utterly shocked when I brought Henry home to meet them. Henry was thirty-six, extremely well educated and well versed in Jewish lore which greatly pleased my father. He was also a CEO of a well-known company and they were overjoyed when he asked me to marry him and I accepted. Needless to say the engagement period was hectic, the wedding was a meshing of who’s who of my world and who’s not from his. Our families were total opposites of each other, but I guess the endless flow of alcoholics took the edge off what was to come.
Henry and I got along for the first three months of our marriage. He and I both are workaholics so by the time we got home we were to tired to argue or disagree about anything. Which brought us to Passover where the worst began and is likely to end. I was a bit shocked that Henry even entertained going to his parents for the holiday but I thought we’d stay for the first part and leave afterwards. I had not spent more than a few hours in total getting to know his parents and siblings, but didn’t get any particular vibe that turned me off. However, from the moment we got to their sprawling home in the suburbs, I was the butt of insult, comparison to his first wife (who had passed away suddenly during their second year of marriage) and how great she was, how exceptionally intelligent and how everyone loved her and how desperately everyone missed her. I could not take the abuse, and my husband just stood by not coming to my defense and allowed this to go on. Because he would not leave for the second half of the holiday, I was made to endure this treatment, totally taken aback at his indifference to my misery. I decided then and there that our marriage was over before it began and that I never want to marry again.
At the behest of a close friend I am writing to you just to calm me down and perhaps shed some light on why I am prone to people who belittle and abuse me… and why I seem to invite such treatment. So here I am, on these pages wet with tears and disgust at myself and others. What words do you have that can lead me to believe that I will ever find happiness with another person. I still care for Henry, but I can’t chance anymore failure and heartache. I’d rather be alone!
Dear Friend,
You’ve been through a lot and I sense a whole lot of misery is missing from this letter. It’s like reading your journey through a huge sheet of Swiss cheese, so I’m guessing that a great deal of stuff has gone missing in the holes. Those are the most important things that you seem to disavow about your own part in all this. You want me to believe that you are not complicit in you unfortunate experiences. That it’s all the fault of others and that you carry no blame at all. I’m sorry to disappoint you but you’ve got to own the parts you left out and for which you shirk off any responsibility. Almost every failure has a person behind it that either encouraged it or did nothing to discourage it. So sit down and get a better look at yourself before you jump to dump the totality of your failures on others.
As I began reading your letter, almost every paragraph showcased YOUR dreams, YOUR wants and YOUR expectations. You gave me little to believe that you had a close relationship, bordering on love, respect, loyalty, consideration or compassion for anyone other than yourself. Not for parents, siblings (if you had any) friends or colleagues. So it is a small wonder to me how any marriage you had or will have has any chance of survival. We live in a world populated by others who also have dreams, wants, desires and expectations and they are equally as important to them as yours are to you. But what’s more important is that we humans must also have the capacity to respect and encourage those hopes and dreams and desires of others as well as for ourselves. No one is more or less worthy of those considerations and if you want others to consider your wants, hopes and dreams, you have to consider theirs. In the workplace this is called teamwork and good work ethics, in a marriage it is called sharing and compromising. In life this is called co-existing with peace and dignity and the consideration of others.
You’re carrying a heavy package jam-packed with attitude, misconceptions and selfishness that have taken root and calcified to such a degree that you can no longer see past yourself. This is a tall order and to tackle it you will have to learn how to undo damaged thought processes, misconceptions that the world owes you but you owe it nothing and that a little humility and empathy for the pain of others goes a long way in others wanting to be in your company.
My suggestion here, albeit you probably didn’t bother to read this far is, get yourself a good therapist and invest the next year or two in taking apart and rebuilding your sense of self as well as your ability to see past just you and focus on caring to understand the pain and hurt of others and be able to empathize for them When you manage to achieve that is when your life, your happiness and your chances for a lasting marriage will be a reality. Here’s wishing you the best of luck going forward.
