Dear Mrs Bluth,
Please explain to me how it is possible that there are no men in the frum community who suffer, only women? Unless you are so partial and one sided that you only champion the cause of women’s abuse, I find it hard to believe that even a small number of men in abusive marriages would not use your platform to make their issues known.
While I am not a man, let me open the discussion.
I am the mother of a sterling young man, a trusting child who looked to us, his parents, to find him a life partner when he finished his second year of learning in Eretz Yisroel and felt ready for marriage. He is the middle child, and our only son, so we were truly meticulous in our search for just the right girl for him. He really liked the first girl he went out with, but we felt he needed to see at least one more young lady so he could be sure. The second young lady he went out seemed to be equally suited to him. He did not feel the same way about her as he did about he first, but at the point, the first young lady was no longer interested in seeing him again. Being the trusting and loving child, he listened to you praise of the second young lady, continued seeing her and, soon after, there was a l’chaim and a vort.
It wasn’t long after the wedding before her true colors began to emerge. She was very demanding and no matter how much time he spent with her, it wasn’t enough – to the detriment of his learning.
During her pregnancy it was even worse. There was no pleasing her, no matter he and we tried. When the babies were born, they were blessed with twins, it got worse.
Her parents were not able to help either physically (because of their ages) and financially, so most of the responsibility fell on our shoulders – and of course on our son.
After a while, my son developed chronic bronchitis, which weakened him immeasurably. Every cold he contracted turned into a bronchial attack and still, in his weakened state, she demanded he care for their now four children, help with the household chores and still maintain a job. He never complained to us, although he didn’t have to – he was no longer the bright, articulate and engaging son we once had, but a broken and defeated shell of a man.
We spoke with our rav, asking if we should try to intervene, but were told that as long as he did not complain or imply that he was unhappy, we had no right to get involved. We went home feeling helpless and defeated, without hope. Then we got angry. This was a rav we had consulted with when making shidduch inquiries about this young lady and spoke glowingly of her middos. Why did he lie? Why did people not tell us the truth about her family? Why didn’t we listen to our son when he wanted to continue seeing the first young lady and expressed concerns about his current wife?
Mrs. Bluth, I am certain our son is not the only one in this type of matzav; surely there are other men suffering in miss-matched, loveless and abusive marriages. Perhaps hearing our son, some of these men will have the courage to come forward and offer some hope to our family. I honestly believe that abuse is not totally a one-gender curse. Please implore the male readership to come forward and reach out to each other, even if there are only one or two valiant souls amongst them.
