When a boy is born, we wait eight days before making a bris. While we might take this for granted, it is still very surprising. The eight-day wait is not for medical reasons. Many hospitals routinely circumcise boys before sending them home. And since it is not for safety purposes, it behooves us to wonder why we wait eight days to seal this vital pact between our baby boys and Hashem. It doesn’t seem to be something that we should want to put off even one moment more than necessary especially since the Gemara tells us that the foreskin is considered mi’us, loathsome.
The Medrash says that we wait eight days to ensure that the baby will experience a Shabbos before the bris. As the Medrash puts it, we introduce the child to the Matronisa, the Shabbos Matron first. However, the Gemara in Masechtas Niddah gives another explanation. In the times of the Talmud when a woman gave birth to a boy, she was forbidden to her husband for the first seven days and then permitted for the next thirty-three days. (Nowadays, the halacha is radically different.) Therefore, the Gemara continues, if the bris were to take place during the first seven days of the baby’s lifetime, those who attended the circumcision ceremony would be joyous, but the mother and father – since they are forbidden one to another – would be sad. Therefore, the Gemara concludes, Hashem made the bris on the eighth day when mom and dad are once again permitted to one another so that they too can be in a joyous spirit at the celebration of the bris of their son.
Rav Fryeman, shlit”a, of Yerushalayim, shared with me the following sharp lesson to be learned from this Gemara. When a bris is b’zmano, on time, and it falls out on Shabbos, it supercedes even the Holy Shabbos. Further, even if the eighth day falls out on Shabbos Yom Kippur, the holiest possible combination in the Jewish calendar, the great mitzvah of bris milah supercedes even this rarified duo. Yet, when it comes to a question of shalom bayis, the joy between husband and wife, we push off a bris – not one day but all the way until the eighth day – in order to facilitate joy between husband and wife. This shows how high is the regard that Hashem gives to the pursuit of happiness between man and his partner.
Having said this, I’d like to discuss a certain pitfall to marital harmony that surfaces during the leisurely summer months. Jogging, brisk walking, or just casual strolls are very much in vogue lately. And for a very good reason. Running is a wonderful mode of exercise that is a fulfillment of the mitzvah of, “V’nishmartem me’od es nafshoseichem – To guard exceedingly your health.” If the jogging helps to take off some pounds, then that’s a wonderful additionally benefit. When you have walking partners who are good friends and you enjoy talking with, this makes the activity a sheer delight. Indeed, we find especially among Orthodox women that walking has become one of the most favored types of diversions and relaxations.
It is referring to this pastime that I would like to issue the following strong warning. Don’t succumb to talking to your friends about your husband. While this might seem a very natural thing for a woman who is having some domestic blues, it is completely wrong. Let me explain. Firstly, the Torah commands us not to divulge secrets. Private matters between husband and wife are in the category of the most sacred secrets. Furthermore, one of the foundations of marriage is loyalty, and loyalty to one’s husband includes not divulging his shortcomings to others. Remember the words of Hillel, “Ma d’sani loch l’chavreich, lo sa’avid – What you would not like, don’t do to someone else,” and you sure wouldn’t like it if your husband went around talking about your maladies.
But, there is even a more pressing reason why this kind of talk is a very bad idea. Many marriages have been ruined by the well-meaning but poor advice of friends. If you are having marital difficulties and must speak with someone, by all means do so. But speak to a professional who is trained and can refer to many similar cases from his or her experience to aid them in identifying the right advice for you. Go to a wise Rav or Rosh Yeshiva, or ask them to recommend to you the proper shomer Torah u’mitzvos therapist. But don’t – I repeat don’t – take such advice from kind and loving amateurs. So speak about children, recipes, styles, recreation, and any other non-lashon hara topic, but don’t speak about your mate.
The same thing is true for husbands whose wives might be vacationing in the mountains and they are eating dinner with their friends in the city. Do not talk about your wife. This should be an untouchable subject.
In the merit of our efforts towards the great goal of shalom bayis, may Hashem bless us with renewed vitality in our marriages, together with good health, happiness, and everything wonderful.
Transcribed and edited by Shelley Zeitlin.
