Dear Readers,
I have received an abundance of letters since before Pesach and thereafter, so I decided to occasionally do a collage of ‘shorts’, addressing a few letters in one column, in the hope that I can provide sound, logical solutions to more than one problem.
Thanks for all the kind words from those of you who missed the column before Pesach and after, it’s good to be back!
Dear Mrs. Bluth,
Yesterday I did a terrible thing, I took something without paying for it. I am so ashamed and mortified at my actions but I had such a strong need to do this, as I hadn’t felt since I struggled with these feelings when I was a young child and I was caught and severely punished by my parents. After that, I never felt that old urge to steal because of the shame of being caught, until yesterday, after being told I was fired from my job.
Suddenly the rush to take something was so overwhelming. So on my way home I went into a large department store at the train station and picked a piece of costume jewelry I didn’t need, all the while terrified that I would get caught at the door and arrested. I managed to elude the store surveillance cameras and walked out of the store, my heart racing and sweating from terror, without getting stopped. Once outside, I raced for the train station, dropping the stolen contraband in the nearest waste basket.
Please help me understand how to avoid another episode from happening again. The horrible shame and self-hate I’m going through nullifies the rush and excitement of the actual act and the shame and fear of actually getting caught should the desire to do this arise again is driving me mad! Please help me understand why this resurfaced and what I can do to rid myself of this affliction.
Dear Friend,
What you are suffering from, based on your description, is kleptomania, a serious impulse control disorder that results in an irresistible urge to steal. The cause of kleptomania remains unknown, but may be caused by childhood trauma. There is no known cure for kleptomania other than therapy and medication that may help end the cycle of compulsive stealing.
I strongly encourage you to reach out to a therapist with experience in dealing with kleptomania, who will help you understand the root cause of what triggers your compulsion to steal things of no value just for the rush it provides you. Don’t waste a moment in that quest and ward off any future episodes by getting help immediately.
Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I am terribly disillusioned with what I have seen happening in the area of education. I have been working in a Bais Yaakov type school, this being my first year as a teacher since I graduated. I was horrified to see how little emphasis was placed in teaching the girls respect and enforcing a good value system. After talking with the seasoned teachers who informed me that I should not expend any energy towards this end, as neither the hanhala nor the parents care enough to enforce these middos in school or at home.
I am shocked to find that all the girls care about is fashion and cosmetics and their collective pastime is shopping and application of makeup. What cosmetics do eleven-year-old girls possibly need for their fresh and youthful skin? Their interests are so shallow and unfulfilling and they are unruly, undisciplined and uncaring when I try to explain to them how a Bas Yisrael should carry herself. They have stopped listening to me during class and behave as though I’m not even there. I have brought this to the principal’s attention but she says there’s nothing to be done as the parents don’t care what the girls do, so long as they are happy and content and don’t complain to them.
I am totally discouraged to return to teaching, a craft I loved and in which I thought I had much to offer. I no longer feel this way. What hope is there for our young children if we allow them to grow without any structure, value system or respect?
Dear Friend,
I truly feel your frustration! I recall recently offering to substitute for absent teachers in a girls school in my neighborhood, not expecting to see the same derech eretz I grew up with, but certainly not by being met without any respect at all! The absolute insolence to my requests to do the work that was expected by their regular teacher, while drinking and eating during lessons and howling with laughter when one student would do something ridiculous. I, too, felt totally dejected and had no desire to return to sub.
I suggest that you continue teaching because I see that you are genuinely devoted to your craft. Even if you reach one or two students in your class, you will be achieving a great deal. Don’t give up so soon after just starting. I have faith that you have all the qualifications to reach your students, you just need the right support system. Give it another year or so and I think you’ll have made an impression on enough girls to win over the class….one girl at a time.
Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I am losing my mind! I’m so depressed and helpless as to what to do, I feel like I don’t care to wake up or get out of bed in the morning. Three weeks ago I gave birth to my first child and, upon coming home from the hospital, I found my mother-in-law had taken up residence in my house and assumed full control of caring for my baby. I so resent her presence as she dictates when I can hold, feed or bathe my baby. I asked my husband to please tell her to go home but he says his mother only means to help until I get my strength back.
I am so depressed at this point that I can’t fight her anymore. I cry a lot and have come to dislike my baby for bringing this unhappiness into my life, but when I hold her I feel so much love for this little one. Please help! I can’t go on like this! How do I get rid of this woman???
Dear Friend,
First of all, mazal tov on the birth of your daughter and your determination to assume full care of your household. Ordinarily, I would say it was great to have a caring mother-in-law who is willing to help you regain your strength and SHARE the workload a first baby presents in the home. But first we need some clarity on how to make this possible so that it works for everyone in the home….mostly for the new mom!
I think that, perhaps you need a little help in setting boundaries, this means you let your mother-in-law know what you would like her to do so YOU can tend to your child while getting the rest that you need. I am, in a small way, concerned about your feeling so down and having dark thought….as to whether those are due to your unhappiness at being denied your rightful access to your child, or whether you are going through postpartum depression, which would require the assist of your OB/GYN, and possibly some prescribed antidepressant. Please call your physician and make him/her aware of your condition.
I’m sure that once you attend to these options, you will be able to set your household to rights and reclaim your good health while doing so.
Wishing you much nachas and return to good health!
