In the previous installment, we explored how taking responsible action reduces shame, allowing us to feel worthy of the good in our lives and to trust that what Hashem sends is for our ultimate benefit and growth. But even with this understanding, our sense of self-worth can spring a slow, steady leak if we’re still carrying unresolved baggage from the past. This hidden weight doesn’t just cloud our judgment—it drains our energy and erodes our capacity to fully believe in the good that’s coming our way.
Live and Let Go
Holding onto anger and resentment reinforces the flawed belief that someone can harm us outside of Hashem’s Providence. The damage intensifies as repeated rumination strengthens these neural pathways, making us increasingly susceptible and sensitive to negative emotions. (Our brain develops specific neural pathways to alert us to potential threats, and these pathways remain active until the associated emotions are fully processed and released.) In fact, studies show that stress levels immediately rise when a person dwells on anger or recalls memories of insult or offense.
This process involves what neuroscientists call “neural kindling”—where repeatedly activating the same emotional circuits makes them fire more easily over time. Each time we replay a grievance, we’re essentially practicing being angry, making anger our brain’s default response. The amygdala, our brain’s alarm system, becomes hypervigilant, interpreting neutral situations as threats. Meanwhile, chronic anger floods our system with cortisol and adrenaline, creating a toxic internal environment that damages everything from our cardiovascular system to our cognitive abilities.
Conversely, feelings of forgiveness instantly lower stress, triggering beneficial chemical and neuromuscular changes. Findings show that forgiveness not only restores positive feelings toward the offender but also boosts positive feelings and attitudes toward others. In other words, when we forgive someone who has hurt us, all of our relationships seem to benefit. The opposite is also true. Unresolved anger from a soured relationship can easily seep into our other relationships.
The emotional and physical benefits of forgiveness are deeply intertwined and well-documented. Forgiveness is strongly associated with lower levels of anxiety, stress, and hostility, as well as fewer symptoms of depression and a reduced risk of alcohol and substance abuse. Conversely, holding onto negative emotions can have serious physiological consequences. Research shows a strong connection between the cognitive act of dwelling on painful memories and both physical pain and impaired immune function.
The emotional distress caused by unresolved anger has a measurable impact on the body. Studies in pain management suggest that physical symptoms are often unconsciously triggered to divert attention from emotional distress, which is typically harder to confront. These symptoms operate as part of a psychological repression mechanism, blocking buried emotions from reaching conscious awareness. Over time, this can lead to a wide range of conditions, including chronic pain, anxiety, depression, gastrointestinal disorders, cardiovascular disease, and autoimmune conditions. (It’s interesting to note that a person who is always angry often suffers with bouts of depression. Anger is not a primary emotion—it’s a secondary response that masks deeper feelings of helplessness, sadness, and fear. Persistent anger is often the psyche’s defense against facing vulnerability and emotional pain. The angrier a person becomes, the more deeply they entrench themselves in a narrative of helplessness, victimhood, and loss—fueling the very despair they are trying to escape.)
This creates what psychologists term a “trauma loop”—where the very emotion we use to protect ourselves becomes the source of our continued suffering. Anger gives us a temporary sense of power and control, but it’s an illusion. We become addicted to the adrenaline rush of righteous indignation, mistaking intensity for strength. The irony is that while anger feels empowering in the moment, it actually strips away our agency by keeping us emotionally tethered to our offenders. We become prisoners of our own resentment, allowing people who hurt us to continue controlling our emotional state long after the initial incident has passed
Anger and Idolatry
The essence of idolatry is the belief that Hashem is not the only power. Anger assumes the same belief. “If one breaks dishes in his anger, it is as if he were involved in idol worship” (Shabbos 105b). If we choose not to forgive, we fail to acknowledge the true Source of the circumstance. For this reason, the Rambam ( Hilchos Deios 7:7) writes that taking revenge is an extremely destructive trait. Instead, he instructs that if someone who has wronged you comes to ask a favor, you should respond “with a complete heart.” As Dovid HaMelech (Tehillim 7:5) writes, “Have I repaid those who have done evil to me? Behold, I have rescued those who hated me without cause.” The Sefer HaChinuch (Mitzvah 241) explains:
One of the roots of this commandment [“Do not take revenge”], is that a person should know in his heart that all that happens to him, whether good or bad, is because it is Hashem’s will that it happen to him… It was Hashem who wished this to happen, and one should not consider taking revenge on the other person, because the other person is not the reason for what happened.
The Torah states, “Do not hate your brother in your heart; do not take revenge and do not bear a grudge” (Vayikra 19:17-18). Harboring ill will toward someone who has wronged us doesn’t make sense, as such events occur only through Hashem’s will. Shlomo HaMelech (Mishlei 19:21) writes, “Many are the thoughts in a person’s heart, but it is Hashem’s plan that shall stand.” Likewise, a consistent theme throughout Shaar HaBitachon is that no one can benefit or harm us without the Creator’s permission (a concept we’ll explore further in the upcoming installments).
To be continued.
