Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I desperately need your advice! I know that this might sound petty and unimportant, but I have a very short-time before this window of opportunity closes. It would also mean a great change in my home life and shalom bayis. Please bear with me as I try to formulate the events so you can better understand my dilemma. I am a forty-eight-year-old man of Orthodox persuasion, up until recently happily married, or so I thought, with six children ranging in age from six through to eighteen who have attended yeshivos and Bais Yaakov type schools. My family and I have lived in Brooklyn early on and now reside in Manhattan.
I have worked in a prestigious law firm and if all goes well, stand to make partner. However, with this promotion comes an inordinate amount of problems, most of which I can deal with, but two in particular stand in the way of thwarting this life-long dream. My wife is totally against my accepting this unbelievable opportunity that I’ve worked so hard to earn. She is opposed to it because it would involve extensive travel, sometimes for weeks at a time depending on the case and where it is being adjudicated. The biggest issue is that my partner in assistance will be a woman who I work well with on many cases. I think you get the picture.
I love my wife and would never think of endangering my marriage by doing something illicit and I think in her heart of hearts she knows this and can trust me. But she has been begging me to turn it down all the same. Her insecurity is so overpowering that she has gotten the three older kids to side with her on this. I am in a state of chronic angst because I have to send in my acceptance by the end of June. If I lose this opportunity I’m sure I will regret it for the rest of my life and may even have to leave the firm. What can be done to convince her that she has nothing to worry about?
Dear Friend,
I feel your angst and am, myself, perplexed at the degree of your wife’s opposition to your admirable promotion. However, in ruminating on the requirements which are attached to this fabulous opportunity, I better understand her fears. At the outset, my first thoughts were what’s to think about? Thousands of lawyers in your position would scream “Grab it and run to the board room with your acceptance speech.” Then, after the heat of the moment passed, I put myself in your wife’s position for a moment and read her heart. Yes, you would be making a grand salary as partner; yes, it is a once in a lifetime opportunity with all the bells and whistles attached, but if your life-partner is so distraught as to ask you not to live your dream… just to live with her in peace and harmony, what do you choose?
There may well be a solution you haven’t considered, nor has your wife, and that is to discuss this situation with someone you look up to, trust and admire, a rav perhaps or a family member who has proved himself/herself in making logical and common sense observations. Go together and hear what that person has to say and then come to terms together on what to do. I think the issue of your female assistant is the source of your wife’s sore nerves or the fact that you may have to spend time away from home with her instead of with your family. That’s a big deal, especially with an eighteen-year-old (if female) where shidduchim are not too far out in the distance. One more thought of last resort is to request that you have a male assistant on those court cases that will require you to be away from home for a length of time. If you are as valued as to be given such an honor, I feel that it is not too great a request on the board of directors to comply with.
It wouldn’t hurt for you and your wife to go for one or two sessions with a therapist in order to understand better how to handle your fears. It may be exactly what you need to get past the road blocks, think clearly and make the right choices for yourself and your family. I wish you the very best of luck no matter what your ultimate decision is.
