Dear Dr. Yael,
I would firstly like to thank you for all your help with all the important issues that affect our lives on a day-to-day basis. Recently I have been confronted with an issue regarding my five-year-old son, and I really need your guidance. Within the last week or so, I noticed that my son had been lying to me. For example, if I told him he could not have a snack until he ate dinner, he would take the snack when I was not looking, and then when I would confront him, he would deny the whole thing. These occurrences happened four or five times within the last week. Of course, I stressed to him how important it was to tell the truth. I even told him a story in third person [the mutual story telling technique that I learned from a lecture of yours] during time we spent alone before bed, about how important it was to tell the truth.
Today, his morah from camp called me. When I spoke with her, she said that three of the children were missing their snacks, which they brought from home. The children were very upset and were searching worriedly for their missing snacks. Subsequently, two other boys approached the morah and informed her that my son had taken the snacks. The morah checked my son’s bag, and there it was. She said that a week before that my son had taken a pen from the Morah’s closet, but that she didn’t think that it was a big deal because it was only once, and maybe he didn’t know that it was wrong. However, now that they are noticing a pattern, they felt they should notify me, so that we could nip things in the bud. The morah also wondered why my son hadn’t come forward when he saw the other boys were upset and angry, but I attributed that to him being embarrassed.
My son at times is very shy. I confronted my son, and he said it was not true, and that it was his nosh (I did this all at a good moment in his room, just the two of us, when I knew he would listen). He kept denying it and lying further. I did not yell at him however, I just stood firm, waiting for him to tell the truth, and he finally did. But he didn’t seem remorseful, and I am worried that he might do it again. I am afraid to make too much of an issue out of it because I don’t want him to use it to get attention.
On the other hand, this is scaring me. He is also extremely intelligent. The people who know him well, think he may even be gifted. He can behave beautifully when he wants to, which we make sure to praise profusely. However, at the same time he often tests me. He is the oldest of three, and my husband and I make sure to have special time with him. He has an extra-curricular activity during the week because I know he needs the extra stimulation. Please advise me on how to proceed!
BR
Dear BR,
While stealing and lying can sometimes be a part of normal developmental behavior, frequent stealing and lying can be an indicator of something underlying that may be amiss. It is important to understand why some children struggle with stealing and lying so you can handle these situations appropriately and help your son navigate what he may be feeling.
Some children steal or lie to get attention from their parents or friends. They may feel neglected or ignored and they may use stealing or lying as a way to become the center of attention, even though it’s a negative form of attention. It sounds like you try to give your son a lot of attention, but it’s still possible he feels ignored and wants/needs more of your attention. Do you think you and/or your husband can try to give him more one-on-one time for the next few months and see if this helps in any way? Perhaps he is going through something with friends or maybe the other children are taking over more and he feels dethroned? It is hard to know how he’s feeling, but by spending more time with your son, you will give him positive attention and if this is why he started stealing, the stealing will likely stop. the lying may be just to cover up for his misbehavior, but either way, giving your son more positive attention can possibly take care of these negative behaviors. Please don’t stop giving your son extra attention when the stealing/lying stops as that will just inadvertently make him think that stealing/lying will give him the attention he needs, and he may go right back to the negative behavior.
Some young children steal because they are struggling with ADHD or an impulse control disorder. Children who are impulsive may find it hard to resist the urge to steal. If you feel your son has many signs of ADHD, he may need professional help to teach him skills to work on being less impulsive. Sometimes children steal and/or lie because of peer pressure, to fit in with friends or because a friend told them to. Or other children may steal because they think having certain things will make them more popular or likeable, perhaps they are struggling with fitting in or with low self-esteem. Other times, children may steal because they are envious and want what another child has. Understanding the root cause of the problem can help you get the right support for your son.
Firstly, it is important to have a conversation with your son about why stealing and lying are wrong. Try to help him understand that you love him and think the world of him and that he is amazing, but that this behavior is not ok and will not be allowed. Hopefully, your son is just seeking attention and by giving him the extra attention he is craving, you will help him not need to do these negative behaviors. If you see that you are consistently giving your son more love and positive attention and he is still struggling with these negative behaviors, please seek professional help to assist you in dealing with this situation before it continues to grow. Most importantly, don’t be scared. Children do a lot of “crazy” things and being scared that “something is really wrong” will only exacerbate your reactions and worsen the situation. Stay calm and give positive love with boundaries, so your son understands he is loved and cherished, but some behaviors will not be allowed.
Hatzlacha with this challenge and we hope to hear that things worked themselves out very soon!
