Dear Dr. Yael
In order to reduce tension and worry, you can try to calm your nervous system by using muscle relaxation, exercise, and meditation.
Kindness Quotient
Dating can be daunting without the added pressure of seeking “kindness” above all else due to a difficult background. Of course you are looking for someone who is kind after your experience at home, as you hope to create a more peaceful life for your future family.
Dear Dr. Yael
In reality, though, you need to marry against your negative imago... It is very difficult for people with a negative imago to marry against their imago.
Yes?
This is not a dating problem. This is a life problem. Being a people pleaser is nice, until it makes you feel resentful and not productive.
Dear Dr. Yael
Unfortunately people must envy your position in life and may not realize how much pressure they are putting on you due to their own issues. You must work on setting boundaries in your lives.
A Sure Thing – Maybe
You are concerned that even if you are blessed with a “yes,” she may not like you after getting to know you better, and awkwardness with descend on both of your families forever and ever.
This Is A Test!
Unless you neglected to mention it in your question, I will assume his is not a mind-reader, a clairvoyant, or have telepathic powers. He cannot see your thoughts.
Dear Dr. Yael
Perhaps you feel people only want things from you in a relationship. However, it is healthy to also take things from others. Do you give people a chance to give to you?
Over And Out
First dates are often fraught with nerves and there are those that are simply unable to put their best foot forward. This small window allows daters to barely scratch the surface of personality, temperament and shared interests.
Dear Dr. Yael
I started at eighteen and that has not made a difference in my life. I went on shidduch dates, single events, traveled and still have not found my soul mate. There is only so much in one's control.
The Healing Hoax
Meeting the right person and a successful marriage will definitely infuse your life with happiness. Dating and marriage, however, are not the “cure-all” for all sadness.
Dear Dr. Yael
Sometimes the in-law relationship can reflect the relationship between the spouse and his own parents.
Break The Bank
Carefully and respectfully raise this issue again. Explain to him that while your salary might be higher than his, your earnings would be used for your collective family.
Dear Dr. Yael
Although you are trying to lighten the atmosphere, it sounds like the humor in these situations is sometimes damaging to your relationship with your children.
Captain Obvious
I would be remiss if I didn’t take a moment to mention that while I could never condone hurting someone’s feelings, the truth still matters.
Dear Dr. Yael
I was a young wife, with two young children and my husband became remarkably successful financially... While I tried to be a loving mother and wife, I often felt very alone in raising our children.
Eyes Wide Shut
Taking the time to reach out to those who know a potential date will offer insight into personality and character traits before you even meet them.
Dear Dr. Yael
I never thought that my going out to lunch alone with our daughter would trigger him. He told me that he felt left out. It reminded him of his childhood when he felt excluded by his parents and his friends.
Easy As Pie
You have been blessed. You met someone quickly and forged a strong connection with ease. There are however, some guidelines that you can remember to reassure yourself that you are making a healthy decision. It’s all about the C’s.
Dear Dr. Yael
I am sure you have a lot to offer someone and it would be good to start focusing on your positive attributes in order to help pull yourself out of this depression.
Love Me, Love Me Not
Controlling behavior is always a red flag. A healthy relationship includes compromise and at the very least a willingness to listen.
Dear Dr. Yael
I strongly believe in something I call “cozy time.” This is the time when you put your children to sleep. It would be most advantageous for each child to get five to ten minutes of alone time with both of you every night.
Family Ties
You want to make a life with this wonderful guy, but you worry that when he sees where and how you have grown up, he will think less of you, less of your family. You feel ashamed.
Dear Dr. Yael
It appears that you have to try to navigate this situation in a loving manner and try to help your husband understand that you get headaches from a hot house.
Unicorns Do Exist!
You need to recognize that while you like each other and see promise in a future together, something in one or both of you is preventing an emotional connection from developing to the point that you can commit to one another.
Dear Dr. Yael
When a person gives you unsolicited advice, you can say, I appreciate your suggestion, but what I really need is a listening ear and support through my situation.
Skipping The Line
We can perhaps discuss the importance of honesty. You did not give your sisters the chance to accept your choice with dignity before you began dating.
Dear Dr. Yael
OCD responds extremely well to cognitive-behavioral therapy. Research has demonstrated that cognitive-behavioral therapy is indeed most effective in treating OCD.
Eye Opener
It is frustrating to feel like an afterthought. While I would like to give your date the benefit of the doubt and assume he most certainly wanted to be there, how he presented himself made you feel otherwise.
Dear Dr. Yael
Psychologically, you can try to approach them in a calm manner to discuss what happened, but I am not sure that this will be helpful and it may just escalate the issue.
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