Dear Dr. Yael
Being a people-pleaser is not necessarily a bad thing, but it becomes difficult when you feel you have to avoid conflict at all costs.
Dear Dr. Yael
Women are generally more sensitive and astute and the fact that you seem happier and more vibrant may be upsetting to your daughters. Perhaps, they were Daddy's girls, so this is hard for them to see.
Adulting
In the beginning, perhaps you appreciated the input and research your parents offered, but now things have changed. You are less reliant on their suggestions and opinions and trust yourself to make good dating choices.
Dear Dr. Yael
Maybe it was true! Maybe they only loved me because of all the joy that I give them. Maybe they don't really love me for myself!
Old Soul
While marriage is holy and beautiful, it is also a huge responsibility. It is a parents’ duty to make sure that their child is physically, emotionally, and mentally prepared for this lifetime commitment.
Dear Dr. Yael
It is best to make lifestyle changes and seek guidance from health care practitioners on how to deal with the weight issues in your life and your family's life.
Groundhog Dating
I’m sure you are a wonderful guy, and clearly, you are not to blame for the uneven balance of our dating system where girls seem to be the underdogs. You want to date right, but there is a limit on the excitement you can conjure when every date feels so similar.
Dear Dr. Yael
If earworms are causing you significant distress it is important to seek professional help. This could be a sign of underlying anxiety or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
Pride And Prejudice
More likely, the shadchanim and your family and friends are making valuable suggestions that your ego refuses to consider.
Dear Dr. Yael
If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing, if you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune, if you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.
But What Will People Think?
We forget to look in the mirror to acknowledge our beauty and successes, and instead, open every window to let in our failures and disappointments.
Dear Dr. Yael
Keeping a journal has also been found to be helpful in remediating homesickness. When writing, it’s important that your daughter focus on the positive and all of the fun that she is experiencing.
No Regrets
If your parents are not the right resource right now, find someone who is. This can be a Rebbetzin, an aunt, a close family friend, or a therapist. It’s true that many kallahs feel nervous after getting engaged and it is possible that you are simply one of them.
Dear Dr. Yael
Prioritizing other people‘s needs can lead to burn out and neglecting your own emotional and physical well-being.
Past, Present, Future
We tell ourselves every day that mistakes define us and shape us and in turn they hold us back from improvement and change. But what if you ate the cake, enjoyed it, but ultimately decided that it was not in your best interest?
Dear Dr. Yael
Dedicating small mitzvos you do in your father’s memory can also be helpful. It doesn't have to be large things. Every mitzvah can be something special for your father.
I Got This Feeling
Perhaps, you feel closer on one date and less so on another. This is common, and patience and some encouragement can be all that we need. That being said, when we actively notice that we like someone less and less as we date, we need to recognize and take note.
Dear Dr. Yael
Some people may think it is cruel to not marry a boy because of their family background, but be forewarned: even if he is remorseful about the way he treats his mother, he will most certainly repeat it with you.
Don’t Pop My Bubble
In shidduchim we need to look toward possibilities and potential. We do not hold onto self-righteous anger, we do not become cold and unfeeling, and we do not develop a victim mentality. We have to face opportunity with an open heart and from a place of yes.
Not The Same
It is so exciting that you have met someone that you are contemplating a future with. But with Pesach and the spotlight on minhagim and customs, you now see your differences in a new light. You worry that this will be an adjustment you might never be ready for and may be too much to take on.
Dear Dr. Yael
You are likely having anxious thoughts. These thoughts are probably swimming around your mind all day and are exacerbating your anxious feelings. Once you identify your anxious thoughts, you will need to reframe them and create more logical, non-anxious thoughts, which you will use to start getting your anxiety under control.
Single Freedom
Dear Dating Coach,
I am not going home for Pesach. Nothing you say will convince me to change my mind. I am dating someone pretty...
Dear Dr. Yael
It is crucial that the couple should not leave the session in a state of anger. Instead, it is best to focus on positive things in the marriage and work on the deeper, more problematic issues separately.
Mirror, Mirror
Your inability to see past a picture, a number (both height and weight!) your impudence over color preference, and your arrogance in creating a Ken doll just for you, will leave you not only without a date, or mate, but a future based on Torah values.
Dear Dr. Yael
It is very hard to help someone who hoards. People who hoard may not realize that their behavior is potentially unhealthy or dangerous or they may know but feel uncomfortable speaking about it with others.
Over-Served
You like him. You really do. You have had a great time together. You connected. Your parents did extensive research. They know he has qualities that they felt made him worthy of you. You have spent time together. Now, trust yourself. Trust the process.
Dear Dr. Yael,
Of course organization and being prepared will lower your anxiety, but what is just as important is teaching your brain that Pesach cleaning does not have to be anxiety provoking.
Happily, Ever After
There is an art to communication, where you truly listen, absorb and then discuss what you have heard. You cannot leave or walk out when you don’t like the discussion.
Dear Dr. Yael
I am not sure what your financial situation is, but it may be a good idea to get some professional help to aid your wife in her situation.
Time Clock
Take the time to self-reflect on your growth and sense of responsibility. Are you capable, emotionally stable, and grounded? Assess your ability to navigate the world around you, to stay the course during challenges, and to take care of yourself. If you feel like you have those in the bag, you are probably ready to date.
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