Ferberizing

We always hear from well meaning people to read Dr. Gerber and to FERBERIZE him, but this method just doesn’t seem appropriate for us.

I Am Not Picky

To the single, it will forever place ‘single status’ blame on their shoulders alone, without any regard for the myriad of circumstances that may attribute to why someone is still not married at a certain age.

Unique Uniformity

You believe you are all interchangeable at best and at worst the least shiny penny in a pocketful of change.

Dear Dr. Yael

Remind the children (and their parents) that we only eat at the table at Bubby’s house. If you keep saying this (if needed) in a calm and happy voice, the kids will likely comply and not take any offense.

Dear Dr. Yael

When a person has a secure attachment style, they feel confident in their relationship and in their partner.

Single In The Sukkah

Often, the well-meaning suggestions offered at home by siblings and parents on whom you should be dating, and how you should be dating, only cause the single sibling pain and anxiety.

Dear Dr. Yael

None of these girls are the “same type” yet going to their seminary branded them as a certain “type.” Had their respective husbands not gone out with them because of the schools they went to, they would’ve never married their bashert.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Dating can be hard and it can be disheartening. This is especially true for those that have dated for a long time.

Dear Dr. Yael

This probably is not indicative of a larger issue, but either way, it is not your place to address it.

The Magic Number

Without the option to have been a fly on the wall during your dates, it is impossible for anyone to completely determine if it was too fast, too slow, or just enough.

Dear Dr. Yael

Explain to your daughter that you want to do whatever it takes to rebuild your relationship. Ask her what you can do differently to repair your relationship.

New Wife/Boring Life

While you certainly know one another now, time will only encourage the ease and comfort that you feel with one another, making your spouse someone that you appreciate spending so much time with.

Dear Dr. Yael

It is not easy to deal with negative people, but if this is important to your husband, you may need to try to have your father-in-law over and make the best of it.

Don’t Stop Believing

You never want someone to feel compelled to marry you because a certain number of dates have passed and he feels bad, or to move toward marriage if he does not feel thrilled to be doing so.

Dear Dr. Yael

My husband has been driving me crazy to lose weight and even blaming me for the hard time our daughter is having getting dates.

Rough Seas

If you have specific reasons for your anxiety write them down so that your thoughts can be clearly conveyed to those who will help you through. If it is just a general feeling of worry, write that down as well.

Troubled Widow

I don't mean to cut anyone out but just not leave everything equally?

Out of Tune

All those moments where you pictured the décor, the first dance, and the mile-long buffet are lost. A new dream had to be drawn that focused solely on the simcha and the union of two people ready to make a life together.

Dear Dr. Yael

I kept quiet because I would have screamed if I had opened my mouth, This happened three weeks ago and since then I haven't called my parents.

Help Me Help You

Be kind to yourself. This is hard and your pain is real. So first treat yourself with love and respect.

Dear Dr. Yael

I truly believe that chessed begins at home. We must care for our own immediate families and extended families before running out to save the world.

Unnecessary Upheaval

Living in New York will definitely allow you to access more shadchanim, more singles events, and offer you more exposure to a greater group of people.

Dear Dr. Yael

At this point, you may want to first find out what is going on before you involve your ex-husband. Perhaps your son may have actually done this extreme behavior to get you to speak to your ex-husband.

Smart Girls

Being smart is terrific. It is a gift from Hashem, like talent and beauty and the ability to fold bed sheets (obviously). You are smart. You know it, you want others to know it, and you want to marry someone who will mirror that intellect.

In-Lawful

You are concerned that if she is seemingly this involved before you are even engaged, that will translate into boundaries crossed in your future with her daughter.

Dear Dr. Yael

You are lucky that you have one parent to model positivity for you. You are already 16 and seem wise beyond your years.

She Won’t Answer Your Calls? Try Rerouting

Other shadchanim mean well, but don’t know how to express their thoughts gently. Sometimes, it’s not what is said, but how it’s conveyed that makes all the difference.

Stop Placing Your Fate In Others’ Hands

For some reason, when it comes to the shidduch world, it is considered normal – even "the Torah way" – for singles to put their fate entirely in the hands of strangers.

Dear Dr. Yael

I see no harm done in starting with Zoom dating to at least get to know the person initially.

Summer Single

If Covid-19 has taught us anything – it’s that connection can still be fostered when we are not together. We can still get to know each other, build relationships, and learn from and about each other.

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Printed from: https://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/ferberizing/2020/10/25/

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