In our last column we noted a hard truth: anxious thoughts don’t stay quiet for long. Distraction may buy a moment of calm, but the mind always circles back. When that happens, we want to employ the most advanced, evidence-based protocol modern psychology can offer. Here goes.
Chapter Nine: Restless Minds
When distraction and avoidance provide only fleeting relief, our approach shifts—we delve deeply, fully observe, and immerse ourselves in the anxiety. Research shows that this method not only reduces the intensity of emotions but also accelerates their dissipation.
The Protocol: Phase II
Step 3: See Clearly, Accept Fully
When negative self-talk begins, we should follow the Phase I Protocol: if X happens (e.g., negative thoughts arise), then I will do Y (e.g., execute a pre-planned protocol). We remind ourselves that changing our physiology alters our emotional state. We unclench our jaws, drop our shoulders, and smile. We take a long, deep breath, focusing on the breath, and continue breathing slowly and steadily. We then gently shift our attention to something positive, focusing on what we are grateful for. It is natural for our thoughts to snap back, but we should continue for as long as we can maintain some control over them.
Once fear ignites our imagination, thoughts of “what if” initiate an anxiety-adrenaline-anxiety cycle. This cycle produces physiological symptoms that confirm the perceived threat and prompt us to fight the feeling. We brace ourselves emotionally and tense up physically, preparing to combat each unwanted thought and sensation as they arise. The ego instinctively shifts into battle mode, seeking to seize control. Although our goal is to feel calm, forcing ourselves to relax only proves counterproductive.
When anxious thoughts persist, we will find it most effective to neither resist nor judge them, nor force ourselves to feel calm. Newton’s Third Law explains that if body A exerts a force on body B (an action), then body B exerts an equal and opposing force on body A (a reaction). These forces have the same magnitude but are opposite in direction. A force acting on a body always results from its interaction with another body, so forces always come in pairs. In other words, when you push on something, it pushes back, becoming stronger in the process.
Like a tightly wound spring, the harder we attempt to suppress a thought, the stronger it springs back, heightening our fixation and preoccupation. If we are told not to think of a pink elephant, it becomes hard not to do so, even though there is no such thing as a pink elephant. Whether the thought is true or false doesn’t matter. (Please recall that in an earlier column, we emphasized the importance of self-trust. The ego needs to feel grounded, making the idea that we cannot or should not trust our thoughts unsettling. Under emotional distress, the ego struggles to accept that our thoughts are not always factual.)
The theory of ironic processes explains that the more we deliberately attempt to suppress a specific thought, the more we find ourselves attached to it. The key to regaining control lies in letting go of the attempt to control. By eliminating resistance, anxiety loses its energy, rendering the emotion inert.
Fighting doesn’t work. Neither does denial. We cannot move past an emotion we refuse to acknowledge; only by accepting it can we begin to release its hold. Accepting our thoughts and feelings eases anxiety, while resistance or suppression reinforces them, intensifying both their frequency and impact. Acceptance does not mean ignoring reality. If the reality is that we are scared or hurt, then the height of responsibility is to recognize that this is a moment to feel pain.
Be real. Be honest.
Any lie we tell ourselves divides our energy and pulls us into the realm of falsehood, the home of the ego. We can never achieve wholeness if we deny our pain or our right to feel it. The optimal approach is to observe without judgment—without condemning the thought or ourselves for having it. I shouldn’t be thinking about this… Why do I do this to myself?… I should have bitachon.
Anything beyond pure observation fuels the very thoughts we seek to release. It is axiomatic that we need to cultivate bitachon and remind ourselves of its importance. However, getting angry with ourselves for lacking it in the moment is counterproductive. Instead, we should first accept our feelings, validate our experience, and then gently bring bitachon into the equation.
As you might have guessed, there’s a great deal more that goes into our approach, and we’ll continue in the next column. But before we end a quick PSA on exercise. Recognizing that the physical sensations of anxiety are normal physiological responses to perceived threats can significantly reduce the distress they cause. This is why exercise is a powerful tool for managing anxiety—it mimics its symptoms, such as an elevated heart rate, sweating, and rapid breathing. By repeatedly experiencing these sensations in a controlled, non-threatening context, we desensitize ourselves to them, weakening their association with distress. Okay—PSA over!
To be continued
