In the previous column, we noted that the harder we fight a negative thought, the tighter its grip becomes. Paradoxically, genuine control returns only when we release the need for control. Drop the resistance, and anxiety loses its fuel – along with its hold on us.
On a macro level, research shows that people who observe their emotions without judging or trying to change them tend to manage stress more effectively. Habitual acceptance of one’s thoughts and feelings are strongly correlated with greater psychological health. Indeed, people who talk about their traumatic experiences show improved immune function and require fewer doctor visits. Studies show they experience fewer physical and emotional health problems than those who do not. Additional research confirms that suppressing major life stressors – past or present—can pose serious health risks extending beyond mental health issues like anxiety and depression; it also contributes to a range of physical health problems.
It’s interesting to add that PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) is a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after experiencing psychological trauma and is familiar to most. However, many individuals experience post-traumatic growth, a positive psychological change following adversity or trauma. While discussing trauma can be therapeutic and vital for healing, the research underscores the importance of eventually shifting our focus. At a certain point, it’s essential to move from revisiting the trauma to considering future possibilities, proactive steps, and the often-overlooked potential for post-traumatic growth.
Step 4: Observe with Objectivity, Curiosity, and Compassion
Like a scientist observing an experiment, we can examine our thoughts with objectivity – without becoming entangled in them. This distinction is more than semantics; it’s transformative. By the way, language matters. Saying “I have anxiety” or “I’m anxious” embeds it into our identity – it becomes who we are. But reframing it as “I’m having an anxious thought” or “I’m feeling anxious about X” creates emotional distance. When we see anxiety as a passing thought rather than part of who we are, we’re not battling ourselves – we’re simply letting go of what doesn’t serve us. Studies in cognitive behavioral therapy show that labeling emotions as temporary experiences – an approach called cognitive defusion – reduces distress and improves emotional regulation.
Recognizing that having an anxious thought doesn’t mean we must feel anxious allows us to break free from its grip and regain control. This realization empowers us to step back from our thoughts, modify them, or even dismiss them entirely – without feeling as though we’re losing our sense of self. It helps us distinguish the true “I” from the false, ego-driven self. Even when we can’t change what we’re thinking, we still retain one essential freedom: to listen to our thoughts or to let them pass. That choice is always within our control.
Observing our thoughts should be approached with curiosity and self-compassion, not judgment or condemnation. Curiosity is not the same as concern; it signals safety, fostering openness and vulnerability, allowing us to explore beyond the familiar. It sparks wonder, encourages growth and can effectively short-circuit anxiety. Studies show that curiosity not only mitigates distress but can also eliminate it entirely, making us less reactive to stress. The alchemy of curiosity is both biological and psychological. Strikingly similar to gratitude, curiosity activates the brain’s reward centers, delivering a dopamine boost.
As we observe our thoughts, it’s important to notice how they transform into feelings – and the physical sensations that follow. Instead of tensing up or trying to escape discomfort, we should focus on relaxing our bodies and leaning into the experience. With each wave of discomfort, we can relax even more rather than brace against it. Practically, this means paying attention to our thoughts as they arise – without judgment and without attachment. We notice where those thoughts register in the body: a tightening in the chest, knots in the stomach, or tension in the shoulders. Rather than resisting or bracing against them, we consciously relax those areas and lean into the discomfort. We breathe slowly and deeply, allowing the sensations to pass like waves – each breath softening the grip of tension.
The Baal Shem Tov’s teachings on suppression, separation, and sweetening offer a powerful framework for managing anxiety and align closely with our approach. Suppression involves cultivating the right perspective – ideally before the stressor arises – so that when it does, we resist indulging in ego-driven thoughts. Separation means recognizing that our thoughts do not define us. Sweetening, the final stage, transforms the experience by fostering curiosity, joy, and a willingness to explore beyond the familiar.
Taking a moment for an honest conversation with ourselves can be profoundly helpful – asking questions like: Why am I feeling anxious about this? What am I really afraid of? Even if self-examination reveals nothing new, the process itself is valuable. Anxiety begins to dissipate the moment we bring it into conscious awareness. By investigating, stepping forward, and exploring, we signal to the brain’s fear center that we are safe, capable, and in control.
In the next column, we’ll explore why compassion is the bedrock of validation – and why the way we speak to ourselves, and how we listen, matters just as much as the words we choose.
To be continued
