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What Happens When The Freedom
To Choose Interferes With One’s Destiny?

Dear Rachel,


Several issues ago you featured some articles on the art of shidduch making from a chassidic perspective. Your response to readers who commented on the subject revealed that you are a proponent of their way of doing shidduchim. (If I misread you, please forgive me.) I just thought it might interest you to know that I am currently aware of at least three young chassidic couples whose marriages went bust.

One couple separated just weeks into their marriage, the second broke up before the first year was up, and the third divorced some years later, following the birth of four children.

At least one in each pair claims he or she was misled into marrying a person ill-suited for him or her. In the first case, the wife turned out to be on meds for a psychotic condition (unbeknownst to her new spouse); in the second instance the husband was unbearably overzealous in his religious practice. In the third the wife tolerated relentless emotional abuse before the breaking point finally came.

All of these couples, being of chassidic origin, met only briefly before making a life-altering decision to spend the rest of their lives with someone they hardly knew.

Is this what you were advocating? I am waiting for you to concede the folly of this type of arrangement. To my way of thinking, the relationships that do end up working out have pure luck to thank.

A Skeptical Onlooker

Dear Skeptical,

Mazel – luck – sure has lots to do with the way our lives turn out. Bashert (meant to be) is another undeniable component. Though the pairing of zivugim is Divinely ordained, we are still expected to do our part — and man, chassidic or other, has been known to mess up plenty along the way. (To be sure, effective prayer can positively alter our mazel, and conversely, a deliberate veering off of our destined path can impact it negatively.)

Furthermore, for all the courting and dating before marriage, it is a fact of life that really getting to know someone requires living with that person. As has been discussed at length in this space before, one of the advantages of the chassidish method is that parents take the trouble to weed out totally unsuitable proposals — so that if a couple’s marriage ends up on the rocks, a huge part of the blame rests with the parents who, for whatever reason, failed to choose wisely.

Take the mom of a large brood who was anxious to marry off her eldest daughter, a great kid but not particularly bright or good-looking. Her parents didn’t tarry and quickly settled on a mediocre boy who turned out to be innately inferior to their daughter.

After much heartache and tears on the part of the young wife, the couple divorced and the young lady soon met a wonderful young man who had also been mismatched in his first go-round and had subsequently divorced. For various reasons, neither of these two families would have considered their children a suitable match before, but their now-common ground brought them together and before long it became clear that they were a compatible pair.

Marrying the “wrong one” can sometimes clearly be seen as Divine orchestration intended to bring two elusive meant-for-one-another singles together, as in the story of the well-to-do parents who wouldn’t hear of having their son set up with the quality girl whose father happened to be a simple laborer just making do. This boy went on to marry a girl whose yichus was impressive and more in line with what his parents had in mind.

The two young ones, however, had little in common and eventually ended up going their separate ways. The poor girl who had been rejected the first time around now suddenly became worthy of a second glance, being that the boy’s shattered first marriage brought his credentials and his family’s standing down a notch. Unfortunately, his parents’ refusal to look beyond the façade to begin with had caused them to pass up a good thing, not to mention their son’s apparent zivug — hence the more complicated circuitous route came into play.


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    The Jewish populace seems too busy confronting themselves to realize that there is a shidduch, the tragedy before them. All of us are engaged in the “I am Frumer (more religious) Than Thou Game.”.

    Yes, the chess game of the Jewish people does exist and it consists of numerous players including Kings, Queens, Pawns and Knights. Let us analyze these players. The Kings and Queens are found everywhere. They are better known as the “Better Than Thou” contingency representing, with nose held high, the so-called “ultra ultra”, whose main function in life is to supervise and interpret the motives of others.

    The J.A.P., a term which applies equally to both sexes, reigns supreme. A true J.A.P. is one whose true emotions and feelings of dedication and idealism are hidden under the heavy burden of appeasing self-righteous motives. Is it any wonder that some young Jewish singles seek elsewhere?

    AND YES, let us not forget the elite, the “Yechis (status) Seekers”. “Remember my son, you belong to a righteous family; avoid the Baal Tshuvah (a non-observant Jew who became religious), after all they may change their ways. Remember who you are and where you came from.”.

    And if these were not sufficient, the Kings and Queens engage themselves in the “I AM GLATTER THAN THOU PAGENTRY.’ This requires the ability to openly criticize others regarding their mode of dress, their eating patterns, recognized certified Kosher products are not acceptable, the fictitious Glatt pickle is preferred, and, of course, an open attach against religious leaders, their ammunition being the infamous non-existent 14th century Chumrah (strict legal view) entitles one to acquire membership in this select group. The only problem is that no one wants to be a follower and thus the leaders continue quoting profound statements found in the tractate “Buba Meisah (fairy tales).”.

    Now, the heroic Knight enters the arena. This individual, male or female, traditionally minded and filled with the love of Torah, wages an heroic campaign. The Knights are represented by clergy and lay leadership who open their hearts to Jewish young people communicating the love and harmony of the Torah. Numerous Rabbis are fighting on the front lines to create a vibrant Jewish community. Young people are engaged in Shabbatonim, retreats and seminars in an active attempt to spread Yiddishkeit; yet, too often, Jewish organizations seem more interested in the establishment of plush swimming pools than in financing such religious projects a community mikvah (ritual bath).

    THESE KNIGHTS, however are confronted by numerous foes. Rabbis are challenged by the Glatt contingent whose battle cry seems to be “The Mechitzah (separation between men and women in the synagogue sanctuary) is not high enough.” Some musmochim (rabbinical school graduates) forget that they are not the leaders of the congregation and consider Shabbat and Yom Tov a day to play “Challenge the Spiritual Leader.” Others are more compassionate; instead of aiding the Rabbi, they just lean back awaiting the opportunity to privately render their illustrious Psak Din (Legal decree). This is the prelude to the “Let’s create another Shtibbel (synagogue) game”, starring these above mentioned unassuming geniuses of Jewish Law.

    Forgetting the great “Tuna Fish and Bubble Gum Controversy” of yesteryear, let us turn to other significant and crucial issues. The agunah, divorce and conversion procedures, together with the existing problems of Mamzeres require our immediate attention. Yet, they too cannot escape the “I am glatter than thou game.” We are informed that a sanhedrin (universal Rabbinical Court) is needed in order to solve many of our numerous halachic difficulties. The only problem, of course, is that we cannot agree on membership to the Sanhedrin.

    Why is there a Shidduch crises? Perhaps it is because in the chess game of life, it is the PAWN who suffers the most.

    THE TORAH holds the answers to all our questions; however, human beings, with G-d’s help, are needed to overcome so called obstacles.

    If only we, the pursuers of Torah knowledge, would realize that the battle is immense and the time is short. Instead of playing the Glatt Game called “Frumer than Thou,” let us communicate love and knowledge , let us act in the image of G-d; only then will we be worthy to be called Frum Yidden who walk in the “Glatt path”. In the words of Rav Kook, “Just at the Second Temple was destroyed by acts of brotherly hatred, the third Temple will be built by acts of brotherly Love.”.


    Subject: : "Dating in the Yeshiva World" OR ANY OTHER WORLD BY DR. ROSENBERG

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