web analytics
August 2, 2015 / 17 Av, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


Gone With The Wind

Schmutter-060812

Some people, in an attempt to avoid these problems, get one of those plastic turtle shells that they attach to the tops of their cars, and then every time they go through a toll booth, they flinch and duck, like that’ll make the car shorter. Also, if you don’t do a phenomenal job attaching those things, the wind can catch them, and you can be going over a bridge and all of a sudden, out of the corner of your eye, you will see all of your worldly possessions sailing majestically into the river.

So I say that maybe you should tell the other people in the car that they can only bring in suitcases of a certain size, and that you’re going to weigh them. That’ll go over really well with your wife.

Dear Mordechai,

I’m out on the highway, and every time I pass an exit, my GPS makes a point of telling me to stay left. Every exit for the entire trip! So I threw it out the window.

Frustrated Location Unknown

Dear Frustrated,

The left window, I hope. But yeah, you did the right thing.

Don’t get me wrong. A GPS is a very helpful device, but it’s basically like a person with no social skills that you let sit in the passenger seat anyway because he knows how to get everywhere. He keeps interrupting you while you’re talking or listening to traffic reports to tell you things that he’s already told you that have no bearing on your life, like you should stay on the highway that you’re already on that he already told you that you don’t have to get off of for at least three hours. And you miss the beginning of what he said because you didn’t realize he was about to start talking. But then other times, for no reason at all, the GPS is silent. “Should I turn here?” It doesn’t answer. I personally think the next leap forward in GPS technology should be that it responds to voice commands, such as “What?” and “Should I stay left again?”

To be honest, my GPS doesn’t always know where we are. For example, whenever we drive through Manhattan, it spends half the time convinced that we’re actually inside buildings. And right now, as I type this, it thinks we’re on the Garden State. It’s like a little senile being that won’t stop giving advice.

“Make a right over here.”

“We’re home, Bubby.”

I also cannot for the life of me figure out how to stick it to the window. It stays on for a while, but then I make a left turn, and Clump! It falls on the floor, out of my reach. And then it keeps directing me, muffled, from under the seat. It’s like I’m taking direction from someone I kidnapped. So, in total, a senile, socially-impaired kidnap victim.

But at least we’re making progress. Just a few short years ago, GPS devices hated humanity, and took every opportunity to cheerfully send us the wrong way down a set of train tracks. It’s like they were programmed using cartoons. So at least nowadays they’re just passive aggressive about it. So, progress.

But I say that if you don’t like your GPS, you should toss it, and just drive wherever the wind takes you. Maybe you’ll find your turtle shell.

Have a question for “You’re Asking Me?” OUT OF OFFICE AUTO-REPLY

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Gone With The Wind”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Inside of the home burned in the Prce Tag attack in the village of Duma.
In the Wake of a Lethal Arson Attack
Latest Sections Stories

We studied his seforim together, we listened to famous cantorial masters and we spoke of his illustrious yichus, his pedigree, dating back to the famous commentator, Rashi.

Singer-Saul-Jay-logo-NEW

Jews who were considered, but not ultimately selected, include Woody Allen, Saul Bellow, David Ben-Gurion, Marc Chagall, Anne Frank, and Barbra Streisand.

Personally I wish that I had a mother like my wife.

What’s the difference between the first and second ten-year-old?

What makes this diary so historically significant is that it is not just the private memoir of Dr. Seidman. Rather, it is a reflection of the suffering of Klal Yisrael at that time.

Rabbi Lau is a world class speaker. When he relates stories, even concentration camp stories, the audience is mesmerized. As we would soon discover, he is in the movie as well.

Each essay, some adapted from lectures Furst prepared for live audiences, begins with several basic questions around a key topic.

For the last several years, four Jewish schools in the Baltimore Jewish community have been expelling students who have not received their vaccinations.

“We can’t wait for session II to begin” said camp director Mrs. Judy Neufeld.

More Articles from Mordechai Schmutter
Schmutter-M-NEW-logo

My parents have a coffee table in their den, and I’ve never seen anyone drink coffee on it.

Schmutter-M-NEW-logo

Wait. Why would I give you 22 minutes first? How about you give me the world, and then I give you the 22 minutes.

For the most part, though, people tend to base their decision on how long the lines in the store are going to be.

Now that Pesach is over, we return you to your regularly-scheduled pressing questions:   Dear Mordechai, Can I use a nose hair trimmer during Sefirah? Harry Lipman   Dear Harry, Yes, as long as your nose hairs are so bad that they’re affecting your job. Like if you have a desk job, and they interfere […]

So generally, I dance for a few minutes and then stand off to the side with all the other people who don’t dance and feel like they have to make conversation, even though that’s when the music is the loudest.

Imagine you were a doctor, and then, one day a year, everyone tried his or her hand at surgery.

Dear Mordechai,
How do I prevent my Smartphone from breaking the first time I drop it?
Shattered in Pieces

Because you can’t have kids pouring huge jugs of oil into tiny glasses, unless you want to turn your house into an environmental disaster.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/potpourri/gone-with-the-wind/2012/06/11/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: