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Gone With The Wind

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Some people, in an attempt to avoid these problems, get one of those plastic turtle shells that they attach to the tops of their cars, and then every time they go through a toll booth, they flinch and duck, like that’ll make the car shorter. Also, if you don’t do a phenomenal job attaching those things, the wind can catch them, and you can be going over a bridge and all of a sudden, out of the corner of your eye, you will see all of your worldly possessions sailing majestically into the river.

So I say that maybe you should tell the other people in the car that they can only bring in suitcases of a certain size, and that you’re going to weigh them. That’ll go over really well with your wife.

Dear Mordechai,

I’m out on the highway, and every time I pass an exit, my GPS makes a point of telling me to stay left. Every exit for the entire trip! So I threw it out the window.

Frustrated Location Unknown

Dear Frustrated,

The left window, I hope. But yeah, you did the right thing.

Don’t get me wrong. A GPS is a very helpful device, but it’s basically like a person with no social skills that you let sit in the passenger seat anyway because he knows how to get everywhere. He keeps interrupting you while you’re talking or listening to traffic reports to tell you things that he’s already told you that have no bearing on your life, like you should stay on the highway that you’re already on that he already told you that you don’t have to get off of for at least three hours. And you miss the beginning of what he said because you didn’t realize he was about to start talking. But then other times, for no reason at all, the GPS is silent. “Should I turn here?” It doesn’t answer. I personally think the next leap forward in GPS technology should be that it responds to voice commands, such as “What?” and “Should I stay left again?”

To be honest, my GPS doesn’t always know where we are. For example, whenever we drive through Manhattan, it spends half the time convinced that we’re actually inside buildings. And right now, as I type this, it thinks we’re on the Garden State. It’s like a little senile being that won’t stop giving advice.

“Make a right over here.”

“We’re home, Bubby.”

I also cannot for the life of me figure out how to stick it to the window. It stays on for a while, but then I make a left turn, and Clump! It falls on the floor, out of my reach. And then it keeps directing me, muffled, from under the seat. It’s like I’m taking direction from someone I kidnapped. So, in total, a senile, socially-impaired kidnap victim.

But at least we’re making progress. Just a few short years ago, GPS devices hated humanity, and took every opportunity to cheerfully send us the wrong way down a set of train tracks. It’s like they were programmed using cartoons. So at least nowadays they’re just passive aggressive about it. So, progress.

But I say that if you don’t like your GPS, you should toss it, and just drive wherever the wind takes you. Maybe you’ll find your turtle shell.

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