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Posts Tagged ‘Dear Disappointed’

Chronicles Of Crises In Our Communities – 11/24/06

Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006

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Readers React To ‘A Disappointed Husband’(Chronicles 9-29) (Part 3)

Dear Disappointed,

When two people stand under the chuppah and are “tying the knot,” committing to love and cherish one another through thick and thin, it literally means that a couple should be like one – respect each other throughout their marriage, no matter what life may throw their way.

Their love for each other should grow and not diminish over the years. You wrote that you took your wife, the mother of your beautiful children, on a much-needed getaway, and instead of bonding with her like a normal couple should when they are away and have some private time together, all you can say is that she is disgusting in your eyes and that she turns you off. Moreover, you are embarrassed to be seen with her. What is wrong with you?!

Men are generally given to be attracted to outward appearances, oblivious to what lies underneath the glamour. Unfortunately, the tznius level of many of our women leaves much to be desired, placing obstacles in front of the “blind” who don’t appreciate what they have at home and don’t realize that it is all a façade.

Do you know that women thrive on love and attention? Do you realize that a few loving words, a small compliment, can mean the world to a woman? How much of this medicine do you “spoon-feed” your wife? You can be sure that your disgust and disappointment comes through in your mannerism and tone of voice. It is not what you say as much as the way in which you say it.

I live in a predominantly Chassidic neighborhood where women are mothers of large families. I see these women taking care of themselves. They wear beautiful sheitlach, frequent beauty salons, and work out to look good − killing themselves to shed the few pounds after each baby.

Forgive me for saying this, but I find that the same does not apply to the majority of men in the frum sector of society. Once they are already married, many neglect their appearances and carry plenty of “excess baggage” around. Does this mean that our women should look elsewhere at well-groomed men, chas v’shalom?

To all the “disappointed husbands” (in particular, you) who look for greener pastures elsewhere and fill their heads with empty and forbidden images: Don’t yearn for what you don’t have. Appreciate what you do have: your beautiful flower − your wife. Nourish it and give it abundant love and attention, and in time it will yield wonderful results.

Treating your wife like a queen will make you a king of a human being!

A disappointed reader

Dear Disappointed Reader,

As the last two columns brought to light, readers have had plenty to say on this subject. Along with your wallop of a rebuke, “Disappointed Husband” is likely finding himself with more food for thought than he bargained for. Hopefully, he is digesting it well and doing some serious meditating.

Too many of us are easily swayed by outside forces and live to regret our susceptibility and foolhardy ways. Fortunate are those who wake up in time, who learn to appreciate what they’ve almost thrown carelessly away.

The following letter, dear readers, has had me wavering between posting it for public view and disregarding it. (Anonymous submission via regular mail precluded a personal reply.) My better sense argued that to tune it out would be a travesty of what we hope to accomplish here. Furthermore, its message may impact strongly (and positively) on all the Disappointed Husbands out there.

Dear Rachel,

Please print my letter so that your readers can get a view of the “other side.” In response to a “Disappointed Husband” – I am that ‘wow’ woman. I too have five beautiful kids, but my husband is just like you! Just like you, he doesn’t care about his spouse!

And guess what? I’m having an affair!

Would you prefer me − the sophisticated, dress-to-kill from shaitel-down-to-shoes kind of wife the type that gets looks from all the guys down the streets?

What do you really know?

Dear Know,

Your words are few, yet the weight of your burden is keenly felt. Your letter reveals practically nothing of the how, what, where and when of the malfunctioning of your marriage, but your anger and pain is palpable. Since you have asked for no help or advice outright, I hope you will pardon my intrusion.

Please take some downtime to ask yourself what benefit you have truly gained − beyond fleeting moments of exhilaration, brought on by the attention and flattery showered upon you by a feckless male who is using you shamelessly for his self-gratification.

Try to emerge from your fantasy world long enough to take a good hard look at how your beautiful children are faring, while their mom is preoccupied with maneuvering a secret double life. Don’t be fooled into imagining that they suffer no want while you bury your head in the sand and give your heart to an outsider. Children are smarter and more perceptive than you may think.

Fooling yourself into believing that “no one will know” and “nobody sees” can, G-d forbid, result in disastrous consequences for you and your family, to reverberate for years to come. Why take a chance on losing the real and lasting treasures of your life and being left with nothing but heartache? Cut and run − as fast and as far away as you can, from a situation that can only complicate matters for you. Instead of seeking to take revenge on your spouse, seek help and guidance from a competent professional source.

And last, but by all means foremost, perhaps you have been unaware that the Torah describes ‘Adultery’ as a transgression to be avoided − even at the cost of sacrificing one’s own life.

Husbands, take heed − of your wives!!!

Chronicles Of Crises In Our Communities – 9/29/06

Wednesday, September 27th, 2006

Dear Rachel,

I find your advice smart and insightful, and I hope you can help me as well. My wife and I took a much needed get-away. Our five beautiful children went to sleep-away camp, so I suggested that we spend some time away together.

Don’t even ask! I didn’t recognize my wife. She looks like a shmatte. I don’t know what happened to her. At this stage of the game, I am not asking for a super model, but she totally ignores herself! I told her numerous times lovingly to take care of herself, and that approach isn’t working. I’m at my wit’s end.

She used to take such good care of herself, but somehow along the way, she stopped. As for me, I work in an office with very sophisticated girls. They dress to kill – from sheitels down to shoes.

I know she works hard and has issues. So do I, and so does this whole world. That’s no excuse for total neglect. I can’t stand the fact that she has become extremely obese. She has a closet full of clothes that don’t fit. I constantly tell her to buy new clothes and she just refuses, saying that one day she’ll fit into them. Baloney!

I hate to say this, but I’m embarrassed to be seen with her, especially when she is among my friends. To be quite frank, I never realized how turned off I am of her. At home she somehow looks the same every day, with her robe and snood and the kids always around her. So after a long day at work I never realized how neglected she became. Since this trip when we were together and I saw her daily wearing the same attire, I can’t stand to look at her or be with her in every possible way.

I love fancy women. I love women who wear make-up, long sheitels, who exercise and take care of their bodies, and my wife knows that. Every man wants a good-looking woman. You can deny it if you want, but men want someone who, when she walks on the street, other men should say “wow.” That’s in every man’s heart. (I’m sharing with the world what men really crave.) Ask any man who is totally truthful, and they’ll say that I’m right.

As for me, we have a membership in the gym and I go there all the time. Unfortunately, only I do.

I’m not joking. My wife turns me off, and that’s not good at all! How can I help her?

A disappointed husband

Dear Disappointed,

Allow yourself a pat on the back for thinking enough of your wife to spirit her off on a mini vacation while your “five beautiful children” were away at summer camp. But don’t overplay the self-praise.

Do you suppose your wife (the mother of your five beautiful children) has had any hand in shaping their delicate personas in molding their fine character traits in consistently ensuring their physical and emotional wellbeing – thus rendering them “beautiful” children?

Do you imagine in all your wild fantasies that the “fancy” woman who turns your head would manage to retain her picture-perfect facade while filling the demanding role of wife, mother and homemaker to you and your brood? (Dream on.)

So your wife, by your own admission, escaped your notice until recently. Until you had the opportunity to place her in a setting where you could compare her – like a slab of meat – to the wives of your friends, whom the Torah explicitly forbids you to focus on. Apparently, you have been taking your wife’s presence (and chores) for granted – not very conducive to motivating her to want to please you.

“She works hard and has issues,” you say. Are these issues in the process of being resolved? Have you made yourself available to her in every way to help her overcome these issues?

“She works hard” – while you revel in daydreams and in your daytime superficial surroundings. Your big-heartedness in urging your wife to purchase new clothing is admirable. Have you dispensed equal generosity in your quest to ease her workload, by hiring household help to give her a respite and by spending as much time as you can in being her helpmate, both in a physical and emotional sense?

You lament that your wife refuses to update her wardrobe. Has it dawned on you that she may be none too pleased with the extra weight she has amassed and would rather not “enhance” the image she projects? You should be encouraged by her aspiration to fit into the clothes she once wore – once, when she still caught the eye and admiration of her spouse – and oh, how good it made her feel about herself and her ability to please him!

Ideally, with time and the sharing of life experiences, initial attraction (at the start of a relationship) turns to true love and appreciation. A woman immersed in the caring and nurturing of her dependent young ones is susceptible to “forgetting” to pay attention to herself. By neglecting to maintain an attractive appearance for her husband, she runs the risk of having him drift away, mentally (if not physically as well). The resultant anger and feeling of emptiness on her part can lead to the overindulgence of sweet-tasting foods for comfort.

A husband is duty-bound to work on himself to remain loving, supportive and attentive to his wife – while a woman needs to find a balance between being a devoted mom, having expectations that her husband will be totally understanding and patient, and with being able to give him some emotional attention.

Surely you recall that electrifying time when you embarked on your life together, when you were there for one another mentally and emotionally. To retain that positive energy and attain a lasting fulfillment, a husband and wife must constantly strive to be number one for each other – for always.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/chronicles-of-crises/chronicles-of-crises-in-our-communities-36/2006/09/27/

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