We must also caution parents who, in their desperation, enthusiastically enroll their child in the first yeshiva program that accepts him. There are inherent risks with this if a child has a problem (or problems) requiring a specialized focus that cannot be provided by the selected program. Problems may also arise when parents “hide” their child’s problems in the hope of getting the best possible shidduch. The complex, though understandable, situation involving stigma in shidduchim was addressed at length by my colleagues at Ohel in the November ’04 issue of the Jewish Observer.
It is important for parents to personally visit the program, speak to other students, and, if possible, other parents. Parents often are willing to share their experiences with like-minded people. This brings us to the sixth criterion: Consulting with or hiring a professional to assist you in screening the programs. Though you are in need of a solution, you are interviewing the program as much as the people who run the program are interviewing your son or daughter. Once your son is in the yeshiva program, you can also consider retaining a “case manager” to assist you throughout the year, since your child is thousands of miles away in another state, in Yerushalayim, Tzfat or Beit Shemesh. The case manager becomes your added eyes and ears. He or she can serve to escort your son or daughter to weekly treatment sessions, be a mentor, and assume any role necessary to ease the transition and assure your child’s safety.
The seventh and final rule of thumb is follow-up. Approximately three months before your son or daughter plans to return home, establish a follow-up plan. What services will your child require to maintain his or her (hopefully) good physical and mental health? Is the young man or woman returning to a yeshiva, to a job, to a therapist?
When your child returns next year for Pesach or at the end of the z’man, he will, God willing, come back healthier and in a better frame of mind than when he left. A team of specialists has invested their koches in him, and we must have a sustainable plan to keep him on this good path for the subsequent year, to plant his feet as he prepares to be on his own. Such a transition plan should be developed with a mental health therapist in your community or with an organization like Ohel or other local social service providers.
Between this writing, erev Purim 5765, and the new Elul z’man 5766, several hundred young men and women and their parents will come under the broad classification of “Help – I’m desperate for a solution.” For some youngsters it can develop gradually, beginning as early as the sixth grade. With others, it can occur literally overnight, as they experiment for the first time with drugs – often given to them by a good friend – on Purim or Pesach break.
There are efforts underway in many yeshivas and day schools to address these concerns. These include discussing safety with third graders; explaining healthy living and diet to sixth graders; teaching proper behavior at bar mitzvahs to eighth graders; and talking openly about drug usage with high school juniors and seniors.
“Chanoch lana’ar al pi darko” should incorporate preparation for the range of problems children may encounter, which unfortunately includes young people seriously hurting their bodies and minds with self-destructive behaviors. These discussions can be led by a qualified mental health professional in a classroom setting within the appropriate boundaries established by the yeshiva. The early indoctrination by parents, mechanchim and mechanchot occasionally buttressed by the input, when appropriate, of mental health professionals, will hopefully resultin fewer children becoming adolescents with behaviors that require a specialized response.
