Dear Mrs. Bluth,
For some time now, I’ve been wondering if there is a problem with my marriage. I have always known that my husband has a temper, but once he’s cooled down, all is well, until something sets him off again. My friends who witnessed his behavior no longer wish to visit us because they say they don’t want their husbands to learn from his abusive behavior. But he has never lifted a hand to me! My two closest friends have warned me that his ugly put downs will only get worse with time and that they can’t understand how I allow myself to be spoken to in such a demeaning way. I have always explained his behavior by saying that he is stressed from work and tired from his long train ride home (he does not drive and we don’t have a car), and our baby keeps us up at night with colic.
Slowly though, I’ve noticed that we are being excluded from events and that the men do speak to my husband in shul. Recently, one of closest friends came to see me and told me that I was a fool for staying married to my husband and that if we don’t go for help, I will find myself without anyone to talk to as no one can stand him. Everyone in the neighborhood feels sorry for me, she said.
I thanked her for coming and told her that I cannot think of leaving my husband just because he’s out of sorts much of the time and that I’ve learned to accept live with it. Besides, I have a child to think about.
But I began to see what she meant that very evening. He came home from work in a sour mood, banging the door as he came in. Startled by the noise, the baby woke up crying and I ran to calm her down. This upset him even more and he let loose with a sting of vile language the likes of which I had never heard and threw the dinner dishes right at me.
I closed and locked the door to the baby’s room, afraid of what he might do if he came in, and there I stayed until I heard him leave for Maariv. Once the baby was asleep, I walked out to find the kitchen a shambles, broken glass on the floor and food scattered everywhere. I cleaned up the mess not knowing what to do or whom to call. I took out my Tehillim and hoped that when he came home from shul, he would be calmer. When he did come home, it was as if nothing had happened, for which I was so grateful, but my friend’s words were ringing in my ears. Why had it taken me this long to see this?
By nature I am an easy-going person who looks for the good in other people. My mother had told me that a wife must be beholden to her husband, respecting him and doing her utmost to make him happy. I did my best to be that way. I never thought anything was wrong in my marriage, although it hurt me when my husband called me names and was angry a lot of the time, I simply knew it was my duty to be quiet and try to sooth his anger. I was embarrassed when my husband would criticize me in front of guests, but smoothed this over with friendly chatter. Thinking back a bit, I never really noticed that none of the other husbands treated their wives this way and it suddenly became clear to me that something was really wrong.
Over the next few weeks, I watched closely how the other husbands greeted their wives after shul, with warm smiles as they walked off together, while my husband’s surly scowl left him a wide birth from others who avoided contact with him, as I hurried trying catch up to him while pushing the carriage. The more I thought about it, the heavier my heart felt, because I want the kind of marriage my friends have. I also see the futility of dreaming such a thing, because he will never go with me to anyone for help. So, I am stuck without friends, without the comfort of a loving and caring spouse and without hope that it will ever be different, because divorce is not an option.
Dear Friend,
It grieves me to hear how little you understand about abuse, but I am glad that slowly you are coming to see how difficult your situation is. Your husband is absolutely an abuser, and though verbal abuse leaves no outward scars, it is no less painful and decimating than physical abuse is. Listen to your friends who have tried to warn you and understand that most verbal abusers eventually turn to physical violence to appease their anger. Be very careful, if not for yourself, then for your child’s safety, and be aware that your husband’s anger may lead to more frequent and greater physical outbursts.
I would advise you to speak to your parents and make them aware, if they aren’t already, of what you are experiencing. If they cannot or will not be of help because they are against divorce or suggest you stick it out at all costs, then speak to your rav or anyone your husband respects and to whom he will listen. I fear, however, that without professional help there is little or no hope of changing what is a volatile and abusive environment. The threat of his becoming physically abusive is quite real and you should take every precaution, even if it means divorce as a last resort. As you so aptly put it in your own words, “you have a child to think about!”