A magnificent affair was arranged in their neighborhood, in a posh venue we could never have afforded even when my husband was working. Friends and neighbors looked confused when I asked them if they’d gotten invitations, and so did my parents. It took time for us to realize that no one we knew was invited – not my parents, family or even our son’s rebbe.
For the first time in months my husband and I were in total agreement: we had made a big mistake. We decided to call the whole thing off. But our son got hysterical and yelled that we were going to ruin his simcha, just like Bubby told him we would. So we acquiesced, said nothing, and attended the affair like trained seals sitting and performing to the expectations of the trainers, in the company of strangers we never met nor cared to know.
Our children are completely besotted with their newly found grandparents, who shower them with expensive presents, take them to eat out in fancy restaurants and treat them to things we don’t approve of. But we can’t say anything because they pay all our bills. In exchange for financial assistance, we’ve sold our children and forfeited our place in their lives. Our children no longer come to us for advice, or to ask for something they need; they have smart phones programmed with Granny and Grampa’s phone numbers. Their every desire is fulfilled even before they’ve finished asking for it. We have become obsolete in their affections, and they’ve stopped calling and visiting with my parents.
Please give us some idea of how to reclaim our life and stand up to these manipulative, controlling and destructive people before it’s too late. Our children already have said they want to go and live with my in-laws because they could have their own rooms and everything they could possibly want. Maybe it’s already too late.
Dear Friend,
I must tell you, your problem intrigues me for a number of reasons. What stands out as the most prevalent red flag that should have clearly sent you running from this offer was the conditions set forth by your in laws. They were buying complete manipulation and control for their money, and what shocks me most is that you agreed! Why are you surprised that your children turn away from you in favor of the couple who offer them everything they want but nothing they truly need, when the two of you did the very same thing? The ensuing brainwashing did not happen suddenly. You had every opportunity to break the agreement, yet you held off until all your debts were paid off. Why are you stunned to find that your children want to go with the new and improved, albeit older floor model? Isn’t that like the pot calling the kettle black?
Children can’t be blamed for leaning towards the folks who give them every thing their heart desires. They are like drunkards with their faces plastered to the liquor store window, just waiting for it to open up so they can load up on their favorite whiskeys, and each drink enslaves them. Is this starting to paint a picture? You asked them for money and you got it, but at what price?
I agree with you and your husband that you need to make a plan to return sanity in to your family and home.
I would encourage you to sit down with your in-laws, express your gratitude to them for their monetary largess in helping you financially, as well as their magnanimous generosity to your children. Then explain that this life-style is not one you want to encourage and it has upset the value system you worked so hard to instill in them. You would love for them to be a strong and positive force in the children’s lives, but they will have to partner with you in implementing and enforcing the rules you have set in place. Roles have to be clearly defined, you are the parents, the primary people responsible for the care and well-being of the children, and they are the grandparents whose position comes with certain privileges, but in no way undermines the authority of the parents. Pick your words carefully and invite them to visit often; however, visits to their house should be kept for special occasions, when you and your husband can be there as well. Lastly, gift giving has to be reserved for birthdays and one or two yomim tovim and the choice of gift should be made with parental approval Hopefully, they will be wise enough to see what they chance to lose should they opt not to comply, now that the tables have turned and you are willing to forgo their offer by reclaiming your family.