Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I know this letter will come off sounding petty and selfish next to most of the other problems and heartaches that come to you in the mail, however, I can’t seem to shake this and it is making me more upset, bitter and angry because I cannot confide in anyone about it. With each passing day, it gets harder and harder for me to look at my sisters, all married, baruch Hashem, with young families and, my brothers as well, without feeling jealous and envious that they all got what I was cheated out of. They don’t have a clue how bitter I feel that I will never have what they do. The worst of it is, I have no one to blame, not my parents, not my sibling not anyone else, so I have begun blaming G-d.
I am the youngest child, the last to get married, this only re-enforces the bile I swallow each day since my wedding. My wedding should have been the event of the year, my parents’ youngest child, their baby daughter, the last one to leave the house, it should have been the grandest and most magical event in our family. My then ‘chosson’ , now husband, to console me and point out that at least we found each other, so many of his friends, mine as well, are still looking for their bashert, still dating under these horrible circumstances that we had been spared, why must I look at the downside when there is no upside available.
All the planning after the engagement, the gorgeous wedding gown, the stunning hall, magnificent flower arrangements, the band and the invitations, all picked out and almost sent out when the pandemic struck and the lockdown went into effect. Everything for my dream wedding had to be canceled because we could not have the 500 people we wanted to invite in the same room. No way could we even have more than ten people! That’s less than my immediate family! I was inconsolable for the entire two weeks before my marriage. To top it off, it rained on the day of the wedding and we had to find a place to rent a tent for the backyard so we didn’t get drenched. Needless to say, I went to my chuppah, my beautiful gown got drenched and muddied, my make-up ran and my hair…..Uchhh! Everyone was miserable and couldn’t wait for the ceremony to be over so we could escape back into the house. I can’t tell you how horrible I felt, even way after my new husband and I went home to our little apartment. I spent my wedding night crying and that’s how my married life started. Everyone made a joke about it, they said rain was ‘mazel’, brocha and at least I didn’t have to put up with a ‘batchan’ like most of them did at their own weddings.
You would think that it would have gotten better with time, but it hasn’t. My husband tries hard to make me laugh, to make me happy but nothing helps. I keep everything inside because I see that no one understands how I feel, they just think I’m shallow and selfish because I didn’t have the royal wedding I dreamed of and planned for. I know that I am lucky to have found my life partner, who is truly wonderful and devoted, and that that should be enough, so there’s no one to pour my heart out to. I find it hard not to be angry at Hashem for sending this virus that erased my beautiful wedding, adding insult to injury He made it pour and ruined what little bit was left of my day, and you expect me to be happy and grateful?
Time only intensifies my heavy heart and jealous feelings towards everyone who had a beautiful wedding in a grand hall, saw all their plans come to fruition and have wedding albums and videos to relive that night forever. All I have are a few snapshot of myself dripping wet, taken by our next door neighbor, pictures I would gladly toss in the trash were it not for the fact that there would be nothing to replace them with.
So, you see what I’m going through is real and very painful and it is affecting me badly. I’m afraid I’ll make my husband tired to constantly have to cheer me up and push everyone I love away from me because I’m so miserable to be around. Help!
I had to re-read your letter a few times and during the last reading, I think I actually understood your pain and misery. I sent myself back those 200 years before my own wedding and remembered the planning, the dreaming, the twirling around in my wedding gown during fittings, when I felt like a princess in some fairy tail. Then, I felt your hurt and understood that for you, this is a pain as deep as any other pain and misery suffered by anyone else and it deserves to be addressed and validated.
Would it help you to know that you are amongst many other young kallahs who saw their wedding day dreams go up in a puff of Coved-19 virus? Probably not. That thing with the pictures and the rain…….there’s not much I can fault you with for being upset about not even having a small album to remember the moment by. However, let’s take a step back for the moment and look at this objectively. You are now the wife of a loving, devoted and caring young husband while so many young people are having a hard time finding their zivugim in such abstract and unusual dating processes as are in practice today. Think of how fortunate you were to have been able to leisurely get to know your ‘then chosson’ and the certainty that he was indeed your bashert, unlike many of your friends who are in the parsha. Still not good enough?
OK then, I’ll give it one more try and suggest to you what I would do to give yourself that “Fairytale Evening” that, for reason’s unbeknownst to any of us, you were denied. When this unpredictable time passes and Hakodosh Boruch Hu removes this magayfa from His world, pick a date and plan a ‘Simchas Hodaah.‘ Invite all those 500 people you should have had, had everything been normal, send out invites saying that due to the coronavirus your delayed party is now on the calendar, please save the date. It will be a night to remember, with flowers, music and photographs/videos that will only make your special story so much more special. It’s not a do-over affair or a vow renewal thing, it’s just the delayed party part of the wedding ceremony, without the chuppah run. It’s going to be the greatest, most fun event because you already know who your going home with! In fact, I’d love to get an invite to that event so save a dance for me!
Now, cheer up and start dreaming and planning the party. Think of how envious all those people who got married during “normal times” and can’t recall anything about their weddings without referring to their wedding albums and videos will feel when you’re having a blast at your “Wedding Party Take #2”!