Dear Mrs. Bluth,
This letter is an act of momentary courage and extreme exasperation. However, being a reader of your column, I feel reassured that it is the right thing to do. I am a 39-year-old man who is becoming terminally disillusioned with women and see little hope of ever finding the young lady (my bashert) with whom I have dreamed of sharing my life. I come from a strongly yeshivishe background, from a family with older and younger brothers and sisters, all of whom are married. My father, a’h, recently passed away and my mother cries incessantly that he died from a broken heart because I was not married. Needless to say, this does little to help my already insecure state of mind.
From the date I had at age 21 to the present (they have become fewer and far between and further compounded by Zoom dates due to the coronavirus) most girls managed to put a kibbash on that first date by emphasizing all the petty things that are important to her in a candidate for her hand in marriage. The questions about character, visions for the future, thoughts of where they would like to live barely take precedence over where I went to school/college, what kind of job I have and is there room for growth in my firm, etc. Whatever happened to personal values, character, middos, good hashkafa, mutual respect and caring? Instead I get her take on the importance of marital acquisitions, or the desire to achieve greatness in the social world, or that she’s looking for a 20% learner/80% earner. The few girls who did entice me to ask for a second date by omitting the above, only proved to come forward with this on the second date. And that was the end of that.
Here are some other forms of foolishness I have been subjected to on the first date, 1) how financially secure are your parents? 2) is there a divorce in the family, amongst the parents or siblings? 3) is there baldness among the males in the family? 4) are you tall, thin, own your own business, wear an up-brim or down-brim hat on Shabbos? and so on!
Ask me what I am looking for in my soul mate and you will get the same answer as I gave on my very first date. I want my mate to possess inner beauty, although an accompaniment of outer beauty wouldn’t hurt. She should have a great heart, a sharp mind, a gentle nature and a sense of humor. I wish for her to have the ability to enjoy and find the beauty in the simple things as much as the great events. I would expect her to share with me in a life of mutual love, respect and anticipation of a wonderful life as well as the willingness and strength the overcome the rough patches, struggles and hardships that may present themselves in life.
In essence, I’m afraid I’m searching for someone who doesn’t exist! Even if this means never marrying, I refuse to settle for less. Even though the prospects are fewer as the months go by, I will not give up on finding exactly the woman I want as my wife and I will keep on looking no matter how long it takes. I hope that she is reading this column so we can finally get in contact and get to know each other.
Thank you for listening.
After reading your letter, I got a bit of a weird feeling, along with the hope that there were not too many more of you out there holding out for “Miss Marvelous.” I know that you really genuinely believe that there is that perfect woman out there that you specified in your “I want…” section, yet you fault every candidate you date when she brings her own laundry list of what she deems as the perfect soul mate for her! This may be a shopping expedition that will leave you wheeling an empty cart up and down the aisles!
You are 39 years old and not getting any younger, and the ladies that are now being sent your way have aged a bit too. Somewhere in the background an old cuckoo clock is ticking and every year that passes makes the chimes ring a bit louder.
What I’m trying to say is, and I hope that I’m wrong and that you will get the lady of your dreams in the near future, the odds are not looking too good. The best of the best has already been taken in youth, and now you’re left with the rest. Be smart and revise that list so that it will make your search easier and hopefully, should she be reading this column, she will indeed reach out to you. Wishing you the very best and may your search be short and successful.