Photo Credit: Jewish Press

Dear Mrs. Bluth,

My problem has led to a number of other problems and the list keeps growing and I don’t know what to do anymore. My life is in turmoil, my health is affected adversely and only promises to get worse and my state of mind has plummeted from being an upbeat person with a glass half full perspective to one who is morose, negative and couldn’t care less about anything much less what the glass holds.

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I guess you could still call me a newly wed man, as my wife and I were just newly married a little over two years ago, just before the Covid lockdown. To be exact, we got married two months before and just barely got used to living with each other when the lockdown presented the first problem. My wife insisted that we take in her widowed mother because she was debilitated with a chronic condition and wouldn’t be able to fend for herself. Thinking that the lockdown wouldn’t last long, I agreed as I had a fairly good relationship with my mother-in-law, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. In place of the smiling, amicable and pleasant persona she presented before the wedding suddenly arose a demanding, whining and needy malcontent human being who could not be pleased.

Our intimacy went out the window because most nights my wife had to sleep in her mother’s bedroom when she felt ‘ill’ or had her ever more frequent panic attacks. During the day my job still required me to physically go into work and the stress of having to ride the subway or stand in the elevator along with others who may or may not have the virus, began to wreak havoc with my own personal paranoia. I could not risk losing my job so I suffered in silence day in and day out. So, after each stressful day, you would think I would look forward to coming home to a loving wife, a hot meal and the solace and safety of a tranquil home. You would be wrong on all counts.

My poor wife was run ragged during the day trying to juggle her ‘at home’ office job while also attending to the needs of her overly demanding mother, finding ways to keep her occupied and amused so that when I arrived home she was strung out, worn down and near tears. Forget about the hot, home-cooked dinner, the meal often consisted of something cold between two slices of bread and a tepid glass of water. Silence began to creep into where easy and happy conversation once took place and the chasm widened as the months passed. We started to bicker and pick at each other, she, accusing me of being heartless, cold and unfeeling towards her mother and mean-spirited and argumentative with her. I would shoot back yelling that I didn’t sign up for this, I wanted the wife that I married and not the burnt-out nurse maid at her mother’s beck and call any time during the day and night. We squared off in our own corners and rarely spoke.

Hope sprung anew recently when all the Covid restrictions began to ease up, that now things could go back to the honeymoon stage for us and her mother would be able to go back to her own home and life would return to our marriage, but NO! Her mother wouldn’t hear of it! How could she go back to her home without her previous aide and companion who was no longer working for fear of contracting the virus. And no other aide would do! So, of course, my wife couldn’t evict her mother, even after promising to interview reliable, bonded and well-referred candidates. Mrs. Bluth, I am at my wits end. So much so that I am seriously thinking of divorcing my wife in order to be free of my mother-in-law. I think I still love my wife, but I genuinely hate my mother-in-law. Please help me resolve this one way or the other.

 

Dear Friend,

I was truly saddened by your predicament and the many pitfalls that have eroded the peace and tranquility of your young marriage. There’s something far greater at work here than the pandemic, that is the root cause of your angst and misery in spite of the Covid-19 lockdown. Your mother-in-law seemingly is the catalyst that poses the larger, physical problem by being so overly demanding. Your wife, however, by jumping to her beck and call, is the enabler, whereby the repetitive behavior pattern is doomed to be repeated over and over again. The trick here is to find a way to break the cycle pattern leaving room to inculcate new and curative methods of behavior.

Another way to solve this problem would be to have your mother-in-law go and stay with another married child. You did not mention whether your wife had married siblings to whom she could turn for help, so I am broaching this on the assumption that she does. If there are other siblings, everyone needs to pull their weight and give of their time, especially since this young marriage is suffering. Your wife needs to be the one to reach out to them and demand that they do their share.

The pandemic seems to be at bay but we are living in very ‘iffy’ times. We have no assurance that the pandemic is over, or that this lull in the process won’t revert itself. One thing is certain, both you and your wife have gotten off on the wrong foot in your marriage, mostly through no fault of your own. However, now is the time to repair the cracks in the foundation brought about by the pandemic. Make it your business to see a couples therapist who will help both of you find each other and pick up your marriage where it left off before the pandemic. I don’t believe it will take long before you can reclaim your ‘honeymoon year’ and build on it. But first you must find a way to get the ‘Shvigger’ another ‘hotel.’ I wish you a beautiful life together (just you and your wife….and hopefully a few bundles of joy) and I hope to hear good news that your ‘guest’ has found new lodging elsewhere and is content.

 

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