Dear Mrs. Bluth,
Three years ago I met the man of my dreams. We met at a Jewish mixer sponsored by my synagogue and it was love at first sight. We spoke for about an hour and discovered we had so much in common, including the same age and birth date. His parents were pillars of the community in his town and he had four siblings. I am an only child and so enjoyed hearing stories about his growing up years. His siblings were married, two unfortunately to non-Jews, but he loved Judaism and was pursuing smicha.
Our relationship blossomed over the next few months and soon, at the suggestion of his rabbi, Jacob suggested we do testing for genetic compatibility. The day we had out tests done, we went out to celebrate and he proposed. As you can imagine, I immediately accepted and we began to plan our wedding.
Three weeks later, I got a call from the clinic where we did the testing. The call was to inform me that due to extremely unusual circumstances, Jacob and I could not wed. They wouldn’t tell me anything else, but did suggest that we speak with our respective parents, whom had already been contacted.
As you can imagine, Jacob and I were beyond confused. His parents came to our home and slowly a story emerged.
My parents had been married for nine years when it became clear that they would not be able to have children by conventional means, and decided to look into adoption. Baruch Hashem, they were soon informed about a newborn baby girl, me, and an adoption was arranged. My parents made a decision to never tell me I was not their biological child.
At this point, Jacob’s parents began to speak.
They had four children, but Jacob’s mother very much wanted another child. Unfortunately, a medical condition prevented her from conceiving. Seriously depressed, she did not leave her home for days. And then one day they got a call about a newborn baby boy who needed a family. They took Jacob home, but they too decided to never tell him that he had been adopted.
Yes, he was somewhat different in appearance from his siblings – light haired where they were dark haired, blue-eyed where most of them had brown eyes – but it was all explained away as having come from a grandfather a generation or two back.
And now, according to the clinic where we had done our testing, Jacob and I were determined to be from the same family. After much probing and prodding the adoption agency confirmed that 24 years before, a 16-year-old Jewish girl had given birth to twins, a boy and a girl, who were put up for individual adoptions immediately after birth. And so, in one horrible moment in time, Jacob and I went from being betrothed to true blood twins.
To say that I saw no reason to live would be an understatement. As far as I was concerned, life was over. I hoped, in some kind of bizarre Romeo and Juliet kind of way, that Jacob felt the same. However, he never responded to my letters. Perhaps our parents intercepted the mail. When I called, his phone had been disconnected.
And so for months, I have simply existed, angry with my parents, his parents, the adoption agency, God. I eat little, speak to no one and see nothing.
My worried parents have consulted doctors and rabbis, but nothing has helped. I am not even sure why I am writing to you. I don’t expect comfort because, really, what comfort can there be.
But maybe, sharing my pain will insure that no one else ever suffers in the same way.
A breathing corpse
Dear Child,
I have read your letter with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes, and now I hope that you will return the favor and read my words. Unfortunately, suffering is a part of life, a part of G-d’s great plan for each of us.
You believe that there is no comfort that can be offered to you. Maybe you are right. But what can we say to the Holocaust survivor who lost his wife and children in the fires of Auschwitz? What solace can we offer parents who bury their young child, or for that matter, those couples who have never had children? What words of comfort can be offered to the terminally ill or the afflicted, the destitute, poor and the lost? One would say there is nothing that can be said to them.
Yet, I have sat with people in many of these situations and have been astounded at their deep faith, their hope and their prayers, their complete trust in the Almighty that all that they are going through is for a greater reason than any of us can explain. They find a strength to go on, a will to use every moment they have to live.
You, thank G-d, are not terminally ill, but your heart is broken. There is good news there, as broken things can be mended – not with needle and thread or with cement and mortar. Your heart will mend with infinite faith that what happened to you was meant to avert something more hazardous. Your heart will heal if you trust that the Almighty has a far greater purpose for you and that happiness is waiting for you right past this place of pain and hopelessness. Reach out to Him and He will pull you up. Call out to Him and He will console you with blessings. Turn to Him and He will envelope you in His love and mercy and give you peace and joy.
I know how hard it is for you to accept my words right now, but I hope with time, your heart will soften and allow the Shechinah to enter it and sooth away the pain.
I am enclosing my cell phone number and beg you to call me so that we can talk. I know that in your heart of hearts you will choose life.
Dear readers: The letter you just read was sent to me eight years ago, and upon receiving my reply, the young lady did indeed call me. We spoke on the phone several times, and when it was appropriate, I suggested the name of a therapist who took over her case. She made steady improvement and several years later, I received a wedding invitation from her. Every year, before Rosh Hashanah, I get a lovely card with photos, keeping me up to date. Baruch Hashem, today she has five children, and has since made contact with her brother Jacob, who has also married and has a family.
This column should in no way deter any couple who is considering adoption. There is nothing more noble or rewarding than welcoming a child into your life. It completes two broken worlds and creates a new and loving one where everyone is enriched.
What I would caution, however, is that a great amount of research must be employed so that almost every question is answered to the adoptive parents’ satisfaction. It is also imperative that the child know that he or she was adopted, chosen through love rather than through biological means, and be made aware of his or her medical history.
