Say No More Often: Remember that toddler that you could make happy with small purchases? You still often said “No” with good reason. Children of all ages benefit from limits and the need to manage the emotions they feel when they hear the word “No.” It prepares them for a happier life as they learn to create their own destiny instead of expecting life to serve them.
You’re Not So Magnificent: When we tell our children that they are fantastic every second of the day, we are creating within them a sense of superiority. Praise your child for effort, ingenuity and kindness. Say things like, “How great that you practiced daily and performed so well because of it,” instead of, “Oh my gosh! You are a natural born athlete. Great, great, great.” Ironically, children who hear undeserved praise fear they might not live up to the greatness status that’s become their identity. Children praised for effort are successful because they know it’s up to them to work harder and smarter to attain their goals.
Ask yourself these simple questions: Am I modeling a lifestyle that I want my child to live? What are my boundaries for my child? How do I teach my child that for every one of his or her actions, there is a reaction, for better or for worse?
Empower your child with an identity of giving to others. As a society, we need each other. As we recently observed Yom HaShoah, Holocaust Remembrance Day, I’m reminded of a story about a survivor who at the age of 17 was on his way to Auschwitz. The terrified group in the cattle cars were freezing and this teen saw an elderly man shivering. The teen hugged the man, rubbed him in order to share his body heat and the two of them continued that hug throughout the night as they fell asleep in each other’s arms. Upon waking, they realized that they were the only two in the car who had survived the evening because of the warmth they shared. Survivors would use this “making an oven” when needing to warm each other.
This is the message we need to give to our children: Giving to others helps those around you, but helps you even more. Give your children an identity that is meaningful, useful and one that you as a parent can be proud of.