Dear Dr. Yael,
I just found out that I am adopted. I am a teenager and I never understood why I look so different than my siblings. I am the oldest child. I feel so weird. It means that my younger brothers and sisters are Mom and Dad’s real children. When I said this to Mom she started to cry. She said that I was just as real to her as her biological children and that she loved me as much as she loved them. Actually I always thought Mom gave me a little more love and attention. I thought it was because I was the oldest. The truth is I am the only musical genius in our family. My parents and siblings have no ear for music. Mom and Dad are so proud of me when I play in concerts. They spend so much money on piano and violin lessons. I never thought they treated me differently. But now when I think about it, everyone has dark hair in my family and I am blond with blue eyes. My younger sister was always jealous of how pretty I am. But I am jealous now that she is really my parents child, and I am a child that someone gave away.
That night I cried in my bed. The shock was so great. The way that I found out was horrible. I was looking through my mom’s drawer for something she had misplaced. My mom actually asked me to look through her drawer. On the bottom I found an envelope. When I opened the envelope, there were all kinds of papers. They were papers from a lawyer and they had my birth date. I saw the word adopted and baby girl. I knew that the birth date was mine and I ran to my mom to ask her about the papers. My mom’s face became white and she called my dad into the room. Then they told me that they loved me very much and that they couldn’t have children when they were newly married. They said that they were so lucky to have found me, that I brought so much joy to their lives and that they truly love me. I knew that my mom and dad loved me. They were so great to me. Sometimes I thought that they even favored me, but this I thought was because I was a good student, looked very pretty, and gave them joy when I played in all those concerts.
Maybe it was true! Maybe they only loved me because of all the joy that I give them. Maybe they don’t really love me for myself! As I was crying in bed, Mom and Dad knocked on my door. They always knocked and respected my privacy. They respected all of the children. I told them to come in. Mom came over and held me close. She said that she was sorry that she hadn’t told me when I was younger. She said it was that they were scared about how I would react. Mom said that she remembered telling me a story about an adopted girl when I was five. I told her that I felt bad for the girl in the story and that I was lucky that I lived with my real mommy. Then she told me that the mommy who adopts the child is the real mommy – but I stubbornly disagreed. I remembered that story, but I didn’t think that Mom meant me.
Then Dad started to speak. He said that they loved me very much. But I began to wonder and ask why did my real parents not love me enough to keep me? Why did they give me away? Dad said that my real parents were very young. They were both talented musicians and they felt too young to raise me. Mom and Dad knew that I had real musical talent and they told me that was why they encouraged me to play two instruments. I started to think about who these two young musicians were who gave me away.
So now I want to look for my biological parents. There is a lot of advertising on how children are reunited with their biological parents through different organizations who have DNA banks. I am a teenager and I truly love my parents. I think they will help me, but I do not want to hurt them. Please give me ideas how to do this without hurting my parents who I love dearly.
A Teenage Fan
Dear Teenage Fan,
It sounds to me like you are blessed with amazing and loving parents. I think they would help you find your biological parents, but since I do not know them you must be careful to ask them in a most loving manner. It would be a good idea to first thank them for giving you so much love and attention. It seems that they made no differences between you and your siblings and that you were always showed the same or more love and devotion.
Your parents don’t love you because of your accomplishments. They love you because you’re their daughter. You sound like an amazing, special and talented child.
Please reassure your parents that to you, they will always be your parents. You can then share with them that you are curious to meet your genetic parents and would love their help in finding them. If your parents express that they are very hurt, please speak to a Rav and listen to his p’sak. Please remember that you are loved deeply and that this does not change how your parents feel about you. You are, and will always be, their child, no matter who your genetic parents are. Hatzlacha with this difficult journey!
