Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing about people having middos when using a cell phone and in other situations. In general, people have to be respectful to each other. The other day when I went out with a friend to dinner, my friend spent most of the time talking to other people on her cell phone. I, on the other hand, shut off my phone and planned to spend quality time with my friend. I felt that I was unimportant. I left my young children home with my husband and then when he went to learn, we had a babysitter come to watch them. Here I was taking time out to connect with my friend, whom I care about, and I felt so hurt by her behavior. Why are people addicted to their phones? Even when people are supposedly enjoying themselves they are still on their cell phones. I recently went to a Jewish music concert, and I saw everyone texting during the show.
When we are in the middle of doing something meaningful, it is counter-productive to interrupt to answer our phone in case we might miss something. Whether davening, listening to a lecture, talking to a friend or relative, with our wife or husband, our children, or parents, we need to weigh the importance of what we are doing against the possibility of whether that phone call might be of greater importance.
A Reader
Dear Reader,
Thank you for your important letter. You are correct that many people need to work on being more respectful to others, especially with regards to answering cell phones. It is hurtful to feel that a person who calls or texts is somehow more important than the person who is actually taking time out to spend time with you. Of course, people get important calls at times that they must answer, but in general, we should not be picking up cell phones when we are with others. When you give the person you are with undivided attention and do not let your phone be a distraction, you make that person feel important. This is especially crucial with your spouse and children. Often children and spouses resent when their parents/spouse are on the phone and disregard them at a time that they should be spending time with them. I often beg my clients to shut off their phones when they walk into their homes, their “Mikdash Me’at.” I ask my clients to please tell themselves that they are now going into their own home, which is most precious to them, and they need to show the people that they are closest with that they are giving them their full attention.
We must all prioritize our time and be sensitive to others. During the time that we are working on ahavas chinam, let us all try to work harder on not ignoring others when we are with them and really being present, without the distraction of a phone. Here are some ideas for any readers who are struggling with being on their phones too much:
Build your coping skills. Many people use their phone as a distraction. Some people also use it to cope with stress. Learning ways to cope with your emotions will help you stay off your phone because you won’t need the distraction and you won’t need it to cope with the stress that you’re feeling.
Strengthen your support network by making time for family and friends. Human beings are social creatures. Most of the time, when you socially interact with someone that you care about, it helps you connect and feel calmer.
Think of cutting down your phone usage as a diet. You can’t necessarily stop using your phone entirely, but you can definitely cut down and make better boundaries. For example, it’s important to put your phone down in a different room during certain times of the day, such as when you’re driving, davening, working, having dinner with your spouse and/or family, spending quality time with your spouse or friends, playing with your children, etc.
A lot of people find it very helpful to shut your phone off and leave it in a different room charging overnight, so that it is not a distraction when you want to go to sleep.
Research shows that removing social media from your phone can help you stay off of it. Additionally, social media is generally not an accurate reflection of people’s lives. Most people post only positive things and brush over all of their struggles. Research also has shown that when people stay off of social media, they often have a boost in self-worth and their mood as they are not comparing themselves to others.
If these ideas do not seem like enough for you to stop your overuse of your phone or a phone addiction, please seek professional help.
Hatzlacha!
