Dear Dating Coach,
Six months ago, I went out with a girl, “Esti,” for a while and thought she was the one. She was everything I wanted and more. We discussed getting engaged and then out of nowhere she said she wanted to end things. She apologized but said she didn’t feel the way she thought she should. She said it was over and she didn’t want to continue. I was upset, angry, frustrated, and hurt but she wanted to move on. I have been thinking of her since, even though I dated a couple of girls in the past few months. This morning, the shadchan called and asked if I would consider going out with “Esti’ again. She said that “Esti” feels like she made a big mistake and wants to try again. A big part of me obviously wants this too, but another part is still hurt and mad and also scared to try again. Is it safer to just say no?
Dated and Dumped
Dear Dated,
Life is full of risk. Get into a car and you might crash. Eat something unknowingly spoiled and you will be gifted with food poisoning. Play sports and you could get injured. Send in your resume and face rejection. Submit your work and learn it’s not up to par. Speak up and others might laugh. Risk. Risk. Risk. So perhaps we are better off in a cocoon of safety, unwilling or unable to put ourselves in a position where we will be hurt. This bubble however pains us as well. Leaving us protected, yet woefully alone. So, do we live with risk or risk living alone?
The Biggest Risk…
I’m so glad you reached out. You are in a difficult spot. You felt like you met your bashert and she walked away. You were hurt. You are still hurt. And now you are being asked to give her another shot. Is it foolish to say yes and risk heartbreak or do you give her another chance? You still believe she could potentially be the one, but you know as well that she might possibly cause you even more pain if this doesn’t work.
Is Not Taking Any Risk
There is only one answer to this. In shidduchim we need to look toward possibilities and potential. We do not hold onto self-righteous anger, we do not become cold and unfeeling, and we do not develop a victim mentality. We have to face opportunity with an open heart and from a place of “yes.” This is a risk. There is a chance that you will encounter pain but there is also a chance that you will win the jackpot; a lifetime of happiness with the perfect girl for you. How then can you even see this as a choice? Surely, Hashem will see your humility, your self-growth, and your commitment toward building a future. Date with renewed determination, enthusiasm, and without bad feelings or recrimination. We are all praying for a “Mazel Tov.”
