From your letter, it appears that your mother lacks empathy for her children and your father and appears to need constant admiration. “Individuals with this disorder overestimate their abilities and inflate their accomplishments often appearing boastful and pretentious….they require excessive admiration, since invariably their self-esteem is very fragile…Vulnerability in self-esteem makes individuals with this disorder very sensitive to any ‘injury’ from criticism or defeat…They may react with disdain, rage, or a defiant counter-attack” (DSM-5-pg. 670-671).
It is possible that your mother may have had a difficult childhood, in which she did not get the confidence that she needed and developed her disorder to compensate for a lack of love. A narcissist is someone who is in love with himself – very different from the healthy sense of self-love we should all have. It is an extreme level of self-absorption. A sense of entitlement is evident in the narcissistic person’s unreasonable expectation of especially favorable treatment. He or she expects to be catered to and is often puzzled or angry when it doesn’t happen. This sense of entitlement coupled with a lack of sensitivity to the needs of others may result in the exploitation or manipulation of others to achieve his or her own needs.
There is a great deal of material available online, but I would also suggest Malignant Self Love by Shmuel Vaknin, Ph.D.
Hatzlocha in dealing with your mother. It’s important that you see her as ill and do your best to treat her with as much kibbud aym as possible. This will help you handle her negativity and manipulative behavior. While you might have to distance yourself from her emotionally, if you are able to be there physically, you’ll earn a great deal of