Dear Dating Coach,
I am dating a great guy and we have similar backgrounds. We have the same hashkafa and the same goals. He is from a good family and he went to all the right schools. Everything about us seems to align. We have now gone out on four dates and it has been…fine. Nothing glaringly bad, and nothing really great. Our conversation is a little stilted, but otherwise, no red flags. It’s just, I feel nothing at all. I just feel silly breaking up with him since nothing terrible has happened on our dates. He is everything I want on paper. I’m just not interested in him at all. Like. At. All. I find myself desperate to end the date when I am on it. Should I keep trying to make thing work or should I walk away?
Unfeeling
Dear Unfeeling,
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess in a castle far, far away. She waited and waited for Prince Charming to come along the yellow brick road from under the sea. He would surely not be the Beast to her Beauty, and evil step-sisters need not apply. A fairy godmother would appear, because hakuna matata, and a magic carpet would join the party. How else do you get to the Unknown? And then they would Let it Go, and live Happily Ever…fine. Because fine is enough. Isn’t that how all fairy tales end?
When You Wish…
Thank you for your letter. You met someone and you seem like a perfect match. You are frustrated, then, by your lack of chemistry and connection. You have now gone out a few times, and instead of feeling positive, you seem to have grown less tolerant of him and the time you spend together. It’s upsetting to you then that so much can “seem right” and yet you still don’t feel the way that you think you should. Perhaps you just need time? Doesn’t everyone say that “feelings” need time to grow?
Upon…
Sure, feelings can take time to build. We hope that your dates foster an emotional connection with feelings that grow slowly but steadily. This takes effort and intention and it is often not a clear, linear process. Perhaps, you feel closer on one date and less so on another. This is common, and patience and some encouragement can be all that we need. That being said, when we actively notice that we like someone less and less as we date, we need to recognize and take note. “Desperate to end the date” is certainly not a good indicator.
A Resume.
It is also a disservice to the person you are dating to “push through” when you are feeling disinclined to be with them. Every single person deserves to be adored and loved by the person that they marry. It is not a kindness to just be “fine” with your choice (or even less so). When you picture yourself on your wedding day, the messaging you carry in your heart should not be, “this is fine.” No one needs to marry a martyr. If you find yourself less and less attracted with every date, it is time to move on. Do it for him. He certainly deserves the chance to live happily ever after.
